Diane...calling Diane...Get your head out of your...way

OK. I admit I am going out on a limb here talking about "hearing a voice" that is telling me where to go to church but what the heck. It will not be the first time that people have questioned me and surely will not be the last.

So this is what happened today.

Its Sunday...that most troubling of days for me since last October. Now in the last couple months I have made some half hearted attempts to find a community to worship with...a place to go and heal I have found some good people along the way but my sense of call within the community has not been satisfied. My sense of call has remained in limbo. Now this may seem strange since I run The House of Concern...a food pantry, close closet and general referral agency... but it hasn't been the same for me since my derailment. I think that is a good word..derailment... As a train on a track, when the derailment happened..I got woefully off course in all things and with many people and that includes my job. For the first time in almost three years..it became a job. it was no longer part of a call it was a job.

So part of my Lenten discipline was for me to let go of the anger and the sadness that has taken over in my life.

I realised to do that I needed to go to churches where I have been and where I was part of community. That worked last week but this week I felt myself wavering. I was going to head to Trinity today but could not get up the energy. I lay in bed this morning reading an email from the good Rev Dr. Tembeckjan and read her sermon from last week and it was good and it got me thinking and I thought maybe I just need to head to Camillus to hear her but that did not seem right.

So I decided not to decide! I mean that in itself is a decision.

I got myself ready to work out at the YMCA and went to do a cardio/strength training full out workout. So I am working along and working up a sweat and I keep hearing this nagging voice in my head... which is saying go to that church on Grant Avenue up by the movie theater. It was just that plain. Go Go Go.

I kept thinking this is crazy i do not know what time services are... it is already 10:00 and I am sweating and in sweat pants and haven't washed my hair since Wednesday and I am wearing my House Of Concern hoodie and have no make up on and I do not even have any money for the collection plate.

So I finished up. I got in my car intended to head home and next thing i know i am on Grant Ave and I think I will drive up and look and see what time the service is and maybe i will go another time. So I drive up... see lots of cars and think OK it has started and i am not going in and then i see a couple walking in and I drive by the front slowly and see a big sign that says"Come as you are".

Okay I get it.

So I park and in I go... met by a very nice woman who gave me a gift bag and found me a seat. There were people singing...some of that Praise modern singing that i am less than impressed with but they were doing it with gusto and I do like that and the band was good. The sound system was good and despite my clothes I did not feel all that out of place. So I am checking the place out and I think to myself If God wanted me here and I believe he did..there must be something I am supposed to get from this.

So the first reader comes up and he reads" There are many kinds of gifts" And I thought yes, yes there is.

Then we were on to the video and it is this man from Syracuse and they are ending a series on exercising your spiritual muscles.

This week was about service and how we serve and who chooses us to service.

He talked about being chosen by God to serve. That we are all chosen to serve by God. Chosen by God. Picked by God.

I keep being derailed because I forget who chose me. I am only derailed from the Episcopal church... i am not derailed from service. I am not derailed from worship. I am not even derailed from community unless I choose to be.
God has picked me as he picks us all.

We get to come as we are. Stinky, unwashed hair, sweats, it is to follow him...as we are. He makes no conditions for me that I am unable to follow. He does not care if i am a deacon in the Episcopal Church..it will not make him love me more... or less.

He does care if I let myself get derailed. That is not serving and that is not following.

That is my ego getting in the way of Gods bidding.

So will I go back next week..perhaps..I might even clean up a bit. I do know that if God is talking I am listening and I am following.

Amen

Breesus... a savior????

Now I am not a huge football fan. I am not a huge fan of any professional sport. Too much money. Too much adulation, too much focus on a SPORT. A GAME.

I watched the Superbowl more or less. Dozed some, read my book, cut out coupons, you get the idea... not real into it. And I would not have given it much of a thought except for the AOL headline about Drew Brees... Breesus being a new Savior. Really???

That just seems to be a bit of overkill.

It occurs to me that one of the problems that we as a society have is that we place so much emphasis on entertainment, things that are fun, personalities,we treat it as not just important in our life but actually imperative.

Now I get it is really big business for some but for the average person ...deep breathe...it is merely a game, a movie, a TV show, a personality,it is not real to our life except for the entertainment value.

It is not great for the focus of our adulation either. Take Drew Brees...That poor guy has to live up to a flippin lot now. He might want to call Tiger Woods, or Charlie Sheen, John Edwards, or channel Micheal Jackson. Once you have been labeled a savior the fall will be great. Not saying this guy will have all these problems but it is not looking good for him.

I mean if you take someone and tell them you are great, you are the best,we love you, have this, have that, take what you want... we love you. Eventually they have got to start believing their own publicity. They start behaving special.

Then we all get mad at them until they go to rehab, sex rehab, drug rehab, some rehab, and then they are sorry, and then maybe we forgive them...if they still have the goods, and if they can sound a great deal like a repentant victim. They have to repent..every time.

See I look at the past couple years and it has been one celebrity/sports figure/ politician after another..going to sex rehab, falling down in our eyes.

In our eyes.

We go from worshippers to judges and we decide if they should they be forgiven.

That is frankly just f---ked up!

Now call me crazy..it has been said before... but who the heck are we to get to decide anything?

Now I can decide to not watch 2 and 1/2 men anymore because Charlie seems like a creep but that is really the only judging I should be doing.

And I probably shouldn't call him a creep but..I did.

That is really all the judge I need to be. It is not up to me. What happens to him is up to him and God. Not my business.

Then there is Tiger Woods... talk about a fall. DAMN!

Now what made that so hard to take for so many and such an interesting story is that he was supposed to be so squeaky clean. Now turns out he had feet of clay. He was human and life is hard even for a multi millionaire who is banging so many women. No one knew. Well maybe the inner circle but no one even hinted at his activities.

I would take an aside here and posit that many golfers may try to emulate him in hopes that is what made him so great and to that i would say" do not try this at home".

So Tiger is a sex addict.

I would think with all of them out there it must be one of the fields that college grads may want to consider when they are looking for careers that will be profitable in the future.

I think Tiger is just spoiled. He was told he was great,, he was told he was invincible and he was told take what you want and he did. He acted like a child with no manners because we, as the public..let him. Until he got caught and did not live up to his squeaky clean image that we all made for him. Then we were outraged.

So, lets right now do a favor for Drew Brees. Lets not call him a savior. Call him a great football player who helped to bring a win to a losing team and some happiness to a place that has has had huge loss and tragedy. That is pretty good. Let him be thrilled with his win and his family and let him continue with his humanitarian works.

Lets not set him up. Lets not make him a God and lets all of us refrain from playing God ourselves.

Oh and if you need a savior there is one I can point you to. He has been around a long time and so far so good...

Its A Wonderful Life ...Dewey Barker, indeed it is!

Many of you know the village of Seneca Falls is rumored to be the town that Bedford Falls in the movie "Its a Wonderful Life" is modeled after. There are certainly a great many similarities and it is easy to see how this could be thought to be true.

Each December there is a wonderful celebration in the village and this year it was even bigger and more fun than ever.
The House of Concern received wonderful donations from the weekend. It was a great event.

The year before there had been an article in USA TODAY about the similarities of Seneca Falls and Bedford Falls and they talked about House of Concern. Talked about the food pantry, the clothes closet,and the helping hand that we have given for 40 years with the assistance of the good and generous people of Seneca County. Neighbors helping neighbors ...just like in the movie.

Just before Christmas I was reminded of this article. I was reminded because of a young man named Dewey Barker. Dewey Barker is from Lawton Oklahoma. Dewey sent us a donation and a letter. Dewey's letter in part said this" Last year I read about your towns similarity with the town in the movie and felt greatly blessed. I had just returned home from Iraq and this gave me such a good feeling about people." He went on to say that he was settled now and was able to send some money to help our pantry.

How Great is that?!

Dewey Barker feels blessed because of a town and a mission far from his home. He feels blessed to know that while he was in Iraq, neighbors helped neighbors.
I feel blessed because Dewey Barker reminds me that a neighbor is not just who is in our village or county or state or even country. Our neighbors are everywhere.

Dewey Barker you are my neighbor...now and always. God bless you.

Match.com and other indignites of modern life...

Get ready ladies because I, the patron saint of woman's rights, need to get some things out in the open and that is all there is to it.

Some of us are just freaking nuts! I mean really... for the first time in my life I am starting to feel sorry for men who have to deal with...well...us!!

My good friend( a guy) and I both joined match.com at the same time and let me assure you that his experiences are far weirder than mine have been. I mean really..what kind of woman in her 50's sends pictures of herself in her underpants to a man she has not yet met??

We really should know better. I mean I am all for the whole idea of stating what you want and going for it but a little decorum for a 4 time grandmother does not seem to be too much to ask.

Actually,when I think about grandparents on match.com frankly that weirds me out..and I am one of them!

This could be the reason that i have not had any dates yet. I am not just the too picky"he eats his peas one at a time" girl, i am the girl who is not sure we really should even be on it!

See here is the thing...I would truly hate for my granddaughter to find out that I was known as "pretty panties" in some circles. Not that i ever would be because I think functional is always the way to go and that means I will probably not be showing my white cotton fruit of the looms to any guy by text message anytime soon .

There was a time I considered myself liberal and free. Evidently sometime that all kind of went the way of 8 tracks and Nehru Jackets.

I didn't know it until I started doing this.

I thought I could still walk on the "wild side" but Nope, if I have to so in thongs and stilettos, thanks but no thanks! I prefer not to have wedgies or blisters on any part of me.

So what does that say about all my sisters out there who seem to be going full out on the slut train. What happened to "women need men like fish need a bicycle?"

Who the hell are you trying to impress? If you are over 50 and a grandma and you just sent a picture of yourself to a stranger with your boobs out...well frankly i am without speech on that one.

I have a decent rack for someone my age but I am not going to be taking any pics with my cell phone anytime soon.

Besides I have a heck of a time with all that technology and I would have to ask my daughter and i do not feel there are enough bottles of Xanex in the world to get her through that request!

Now do not get me wrong the men have not all been perfect. I have read some really "interesting"things.

For instance:

If you say the word luscious too many times I am going to think you are gay or you received a word of the day calendar and that was today's word.

If you spend two paragraphs on all the things you are not and will not be... then i have to think you are defensive or very set in your ways.

If you tell me that you want an independent woman who loves to cook, entertain, dress sexy for her man, keep a neat house, and be open for spur of the moment romance...you need one of those Stepford Wives.

But my most favorite yet has been a man who i thought was good looking...read hippie type. He truly attracted me very quickly with his looks.

Lets just say one should not judge a book by its cover.

I read his very long profile and was amazed at what this man was looking for.

He wanted a woman who was comfortable being her own person( so far so good) But( uh oh) was willing to give her all to her man. (Ruh Roh) Then he went on with how one would do that..,

You must be willing to live away from the crowds and join him in "his space".

You must be strong. Now I thought for a minute he might mean of strong character but no he meant physically strong and why was that?? Because he wanted you to be able to cook, clean, chop wood, draw water, indulge and enjoy ( well how could we not) tantric sex.

Then he also wanted a woman who" paid her own way" "Paid her own way??"

See... i am thinking if i have cooked, and cleaned, drawn water, chopped wood, engaged in tantric sex....baby I have paid my own way!!!!!

The worst part is that I do believe he was serious and perhaps...just perhaps...that is why this 54 year old, good looking man was single. I could be just going out on a limb here but it is a possibility.

So we are all a little nuts. The boomer generation seriously has never grown up.

We all really think we are still kids. Not a problem our parents had. But we have it. We are on match.com for crying out loud and we show our boobs. God help us all.

Good Bye 2009

Okay.... it has been a rough one that is for sure.

It has been a year that has left me weary and disillusioned.

As the song says...

My heart is battered and my soul is bruised.

It is not where I want to be but here I am and I suspect there is something for me to learn in all of it.

The betrayal of a man was easy. Not that I haven't grieved but it was not the first time that I have felt that sort of thing...first time in a long time, but not the same as the big disillusionment.

The loss of idealism is really hard. Now I guess bright women who are already 54 should not be allowed to be idealistic and if you are I guess that whatever happens is your own damn fault!

I really believed when i joined the Episcopal Church that it was a home for me. I thought that they meant "all are welcome" and I thought they were really looking for change... a way to connect to the people. It never occurred to me that it might not really be true.

Do not get me wrong I think they want it to be true but it is way easier to take your act on the road and embrace the people of El Salvador rather that have to deal daily with those right next to us who are in need. It is easier to surround yourself with yes men and women than to really embrace those who will tell you the truth. It is easier to concentrate on liturgy than messy lives.

The truth can be too messy and evidently the Episcopal church does not do messy.

They expect their clergy to be less than real people. They expect them to be... dare I say it... "Gods?" Messy lives... Real lives...They have no use for them.

Yet it has been my experience that part of what made me so very approachable to the people in the congregations that I served is the fact that I understand the lives they live. I have lived the life they live. I still am living that life. I know what it is like to have less than perfect lives. I am not perfect, my children not perfect, my husband not perfect. My life is sometimes hard and this year real hard.

However...

I do not believe that God, at any point, has forsaken me.

But I do believe that the Episcopal church did... on more than one occasion.

Maybe that is my lesson. My call is to God. My call is to Jesus.

My call is not to The Diocese of Central New York. My call not to Skip Adams.

Now lets be very clear... I wanted it to be. I spent 4 years and a whole lot of money that I did not have, to be ordained... I worked hard for what i believed in, for what I was called to... FOR Free...Deacons rarely get paid...

but my life was messy. My life did not fit their idea of clergy. I am not their idea of clergy.

I think it is probably good that all the disciples did not have to take psych evals and competency tests. i think it is good that all they had to do was "follow ". They may have not made it either!

My call may be to preach the Gospel everyday without needing the backing of any church.

I believe and I live a real life.

I live inside the church of Gray not black and white, no givens except ... you must love the Lord your God with all your heart and all your mind and all your soul. You must love your neighbor.

I guess that is really enough.

At the church of Gray all are truly welcome.

So now, 2010 almost here... what do I do?...

First and foremost I examine what to do with this call I still hear.

The Bishop may not hear it but it is still there and it will need to be answered.

That I am quite sure of.

Views on Faith from a homeless Episcopalian

Faith.

What is it? Who has it? And how the heck do you keep it in these most difficult times.

Today is the day when many of the churches are empty. Lots of folks did their "churchifying" on Christmas Eve or Christmas morning so to attend today just apparently does not seem necessary.

FYI...Churchifying is a made up word by the estranged husband but it certainly has a ring.

Ticket punched, magic words and elements that keep us in good with the big guy...all part of modern day religion but does that have anything to do with Faith?

Is faith about the church or solely about God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit? Is Faith about being part of the "right club" or is it about more than that.

What does having Faith mean?

Does it mean if we are faithful nothing bad will happen to us? Or is that a myth.?

Is it not a fact that those who have "bad" things happen to them are often looked upon as people who are not "doing it right?" People who are not faithful? I mean surely God will not hurt the faithful. Well, there was Job but that was then and this is now...right?

It has been my experience that you can have all the faith in the world and often all that will do is make you appear feeble minded to those who do not believe but see your struggles.

To believe, to have Faith even when life is good or at least not awful, is not easy.

There are many and is much that that tells us over and over that this is a foolish position to take.

To have faith when the world falls down around your ears and lands with a big fat thunk at your feet is really hard.

I have had a most difficult year. Illness, betrayal, financial problems, more illness, more betrayal, loss of a long time dream, death...it has been a rough one. I have lost faith in certain things. I have lost all faith in the Episcopal Diocese Of Central New York. I have lost faith in the Bishop. I have lost faith in many of the clergy.

I have lost faith in relationships and more often than I care to say in myself.

I have lost faith in organized religion.

I have not lost Faith in God. I have not lost Faith in Jesus. I have not lost faith in the Holy Spirit.

I do not know why that is.

I have a bumper sticker that says"Faith is not believing we know... it is knowing that we believe."

I lost much of what I thought that I was, a wife, a soon to be ordained Deacon, a member of a church community. Many mornings are hard to get out of bed.

But I do. I read a bit of scripture, i read something by Merton and when all else fails i repeat to myself the Merton prayer.

My Lord God I have no idea where I am going .

I do not see the road ahead of me.

I cannot know for certain where it will end.

Nor do i really know myself and the fact that i think i am following your will does not mean i am actually doing so.

But i believe that the desire to please you does indeed please you.

I hope that i have that desire in all that i am doing.

I hope that i will never do anything apart from that desire.

And I know that if I do this you will lead me by the right road, though I may know nothing about it.

Therefore i will trust you always though I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death.

I will not fear for you are ever with me, and you will never leave me to face my perils alone.

Faith.

It is not about The Episcopal Diocese. It is not about Lutherans, Catholics, Baptists. It is not about any group. It is ultimately about you and your God.

It is about what you do and who you are because you have Faith.

The Light shines in the Darkness and the Darkness does not overcome it.

Amen

Cookies, dates, and match.com

So there really were cookies in my mothers pants. It is not the sort of thing that anyone prepares you for. There was never a time that my mother, a proper librarian in the day, ever told me to expect this. I mean my mom was big on being prepared. She told me about men( well more or less and mostly less) she told me about money( do as i say not as i do) she told me how to shake someones hand upon meeting them( quite convinced it has gotten me many a job.) but she never said to me...." Diane there will come a day when you will spend much of your time taking food out of my pockets, from under my bed and yes even sometimes from my pants. I guess, in her defense, you don't ever think to say that.

For those of you who do not know my mom has Dementia. Full blown...don't know who you are...or as my dad used to say "does not know her ass from a hole in the ground".

Then just because the fates decided to see what i am made of... my Dad has Alzheimer's.

He still knows me but the short term memory is pretty much gone. Which makes for an interesting time with the two of them. Meals take a long time. Everything takes a long time.

Some days I start singing the "its 5:00 somewhere" song during breakfast. Well now do not judge...breakfast is long and between the thievery( she likes to take the silverware, and him the jelly...lots of jelly) and the occasional pointing out( loudly) how fat someone is, some breakfasts are long and thoughts turn to that nice bottle of wine that I have at home. Just thoughts so far.

Dating at 54 is interesting. Lots of guys my age look...old. Which indicates that I must look old too! I guess in some ways it is easier to meet people than in the past as there are things like match.com and E harmony. So you can see and get to know someone ( sort of) before the first meet. Of course they all cost money and being separated is already too expensive!

Match.com is the one that i chose. I actually used my Christmas money to give me 6 months. So we will see what happens. I know what i want. I want companionship. I want to go out. I do not want a relationship unless it is another friend. You really cannot have too many friends.

i need to be "in love" as much as I need another parent with Alzheimer's! YIKES!!!

So who is this blog for? Mostly me but if you have a parent or two with Dementia or Alzheimer's, could be for you. If you have 20 year relationship that is in the toilet..could be for you.

If you are a homeless Episcopalian... could be for you too.

More on that tomorrow.