Good Bye 2009

Okay.... it has been a rough one that is for sure.

It has been a year that has left me weary and disillusioned.

As the song says...

My heart is battered and my soul is bruised.

It is not where I want to be but here I am and I suspect there is something for me to learn in all of it.

The betrayal of a man was easy. Not that I haven't grieved but it was not the first time that I have felt that sort of thing...first time in a long time, but not the same as the big disillusionment.

The loss of idealism is really hard. Now I guess bright women who are already 54 should not be allowed to be idealistic and if you are I guess that whatever happens is your own damn fault!

I really believed when i joined the Episcopal Church that it was a home for me. I thought that they meant "all are welcome" and I thought they were really looking for change... a way to connect to the people. It never occurred to me that it might not really be true.

Do not get me wrong I think they want it to be true but it is way easier to take your act on the road and embrace the people of El Salvador rather that have to deal daily with those right next to us who are in need. It is easier to surround yourself with yes men and women than to really embrace those who will tell you the truth. It is easier to concentrate on liturgy than messy lives.

The truth can be too messy and evidently the Episcopal church does not do messy.

They expect their clergy to be less than real people. They expect them to be... dare I say it... "Gods?" Messy lives... Real lives...They have no use for them.

Yet it has been my experience that part of what made me so very approachable to the people in the congregations that I served is the fact that I understand the lives they live. I have lived the life they live. I still am living that life. I know what it is like to have less than perfect lives. I am not perfect, my children not perfect, my husband not perfect. My life is sometimes hard and this year real hard.

However...

I do not believe that God, at any point, has forsaken me.

But I do believe that the Episcopal church did... on more than one occasion.

Maybe that is my lesson. My call is to God. My call is to Jesus.

My call is not to The Diocese of Central New York. My call not to Skip Adams.

Now lets be very clear... I wanted it to be. I spent 4 years and a whole lot of money that I did not have, to be ordained... I worked hard for what i believed in, for what I was called to... FOR Free...Deacons rarely get paid...

but my life was messy. My life did not fit their idea of clergy. I am not their idea of clergy.

I think it is probably good that all the disciples did not have to take psych evals and competency tests. i think it is good that all they had to do was "follow ". They may have not made it either!

My call may be to preach the Gospel everyday without needing the backing of any church.

I believe and I live a real life.

I live inside the church of Gray not black and white, no givens except ... you must love the Lord your God with all your heart and all your mind and all your soul. You must love your neighbor.

I guess that is really enough.

At the church of Gray all are truly welcome.

So now, 2010 almost here... what do I do?...

First and foremost I examine what to do with this call I still hear.

The Bishop may not hear it but it is still there and it will need to be answered.

That I am quite sure of.