There's only you and me and we just disagree".
Ah..would that it were actually all that simple.
My sister and I are in a disagreement. Now I write this knowing that she will probably not read this and most likely nobody will tell her to read it. Not that I would say anything any different if I knew she would read it.
This is not a piece where I try to tell you that I am right and she is wrong.
I will tell you we disagree but I will also tell you that there is no good/right answer.
We have spent the last 7 years of our lives dealing with parents with Alzheimer's/ Dementia.
Parents...plural...the freaking jackpot..BOTH of them.
I am the one who has lived close to them, I am the eldest and I am the one who has had the most hands on work to do. That does not for a second mean that I think my sister has not suffered every bit as much as I have. She is still their child.
Anyone who has had this experience of watching a parent lose all sense of who you are, who they are, what anything is, knows that it is a really horrific experience. I have likened it to Night of the Living Dead.
That has never been anything my sister wanted to hear and the fact is that she has always tried to will them into knowing "stuff". Maybe its because she was not around like I was. But really I tend to think it is more her personality. I am probably more of a realist. She has always been the one who figured if you think hard enough about what you want then it will happen.
I might think that is true to a point but not with Alzheimer's or any sort of Dementia.
NOBODY gets what they want.
All the positive thinking in the world does not change the reality.
The reality is that the whole thing SUCKS.
So once again I have had to put a parent in a nursing home.
Not just a nursing home but a lock down facility. You know, like prison.
You need a code to get in and out. They put a tracking device on them.
Probably not what they call it but call it what you will, indeed that is what it is. And they aren't getting out. Its a life sentence.
Now as hard as it was with my mom, not nearly as tough as with my dad. She was very agreeable and frankly way to far gone to know where she was or to care.
My dad that is a whole other story.
He knows he is not home. He knows that there are people in the home that are... in his words," in bad shape" He asks me to " get him out of there."
But, he is not safe alone and he needs 24/7 care and...there is no money.
Money is a big huge factor with elder care.
Basically this is what you do... go through every single cent that a person ever made in their whole life and then sometimes do a reverse mortgage and when it is all gone you put them in a nursing home and sell their home and the bank takes their cut and the nursing home gets the rest and then..well then its time for Medicaid.
It is outrageously expensive to have any kind of elder care. Home care or placement..the money flies out the door. I have known people who I am sure thought they were set for anything that happened, my parents, my aunts being a couple that come to mind but that just wasn't so.
They didn't know. I do not blame them. Used to be people just didn't generally live long enough for all of this to be an issue.
But now it is. Modern medicine keeps us going and going...but at what cost?
I mean really,what is the point of living into your 80's or 90's and not having a damn clue about anything that is going on? If you cannot tend to your own basic needs?
Walking Zombies.
So my mom is gone and had no idea who i was...thought I was the Avon lady for the last few years of her life...my dad is in a nursing home and knows he knows me but does not know why, often thinks I am his sister and soon very soon will probably not even know that much and my sister isn't speaking to me.
Did I mention that sometimes life blows?
Sometimes there are no good answers.
There is only what is the best choice of a bad situation.
Thats what Alzheimers is, a series of constant decisions between what is bad and what is worse. Sometimes, often, the choices seem pretty much identical.
I guess the good news is that I got my dad in where I wanted him to be. It is close to me. I can run in several times a day. It is the best choice of this particular difficult decision.
My sister will either stop being mad at me or she won't. I think at this point its way easier to be mad at me then to be mad at the fact that parent number 2 has Alzheimers.
I am to tired to be mad at anyone for more than a few minutes.
So thats the way it is.
No good guys, No bad guys, and nobody gets to be a hero.
It is just the way it is.
No comments:
Post a Comment