Today was The Seneca Meadows Second Annual 5k "Run for Hunger". It is a fundraiser for House of Concern. The entry fees are a contribution to our food pantry and people were asked to bring canned goods also.It was a huge success!

It was a beautiful morning and while hot now, it was comfortable then. Okay, admittedly it was probably a bit easier for me to feel comfortable as I was sitting under a tent with a stop watch at mile 2 . I have to  say that all the runners looked hot.

So my job was to yell out their time for the racers as they flew by me. The first guy was by in 11 minutes. Two miles in 11 minutes! I was impressed. He did end up winning the race which did not surprise me as by that point he already had quite a lead.

Anyway,all and all it took about 34 minutes for everyone to go by me. That was amazing to me. In 34 minutes in that heat I wouldn't have been much past the 1 mile mark.Actually pretty sure I would have been laying on the trail in a big heap. Heart patients don't love the heat.

So I waited for the jeep to come and retrieve me because I was not walking back. I mean since they were giving money to House of Concern  they most likely did not want to kill the Executive Director so I figured they would be along. 
 After awhile I hear on my little radio that everyone is in and the guys would be around to clean up. So now I am wondering if I should remind them to get me as I did see the people from the water station near me walking back but I am not pushy and  very patient and I figure that they will remember  me eventually.
Then I hear "Okay I think we have everyone"...So then i speak up and of course they came right out and all was well.

BUT, it occurred to me as I was sitting there waiting for them that this is part of the problem for food pantries in the summer. 
Everyone gets busy.
There is always so much to do at all times for most people. So things get forgotten. Like food pantries. Its way easier to think about them at Christmas or Thanksgiving.
I reminded myself that sometimes you need to announce yourself.

Occasionally you need to remember to shout out  "Wait...don't forget me...I am here!"

So this is  my shout out to all of you no matter where you live.

The pantries need you more than ever now. School is out and so more families are coming in for services.
Think about it... If you are used to your children getting breakfast and lunch at school and now you have to provide that all week it means your grocery bills are going to shoot way up. Unfortunately your income does not.

I was speaking with a  woman  on Friday that is  now providing care for her granddaughter and she said " I work 40 hours a week and I have never had to ask anyone for help but I lost two weeks of work settling my granddaughter in and I don't get paid when I don't work and Wow,forgot how much that 12 year old girls eat!"
I hear many many stories like that.
At the House of Concern on Friday we had 5 new families and most said the same thing...kids are home and the paycheck just doesn't go far enough.
Here are a few facts for you...
In July we had 340 families in for food.
That broke down to 945 people that we try to help feed for a 5 day period.

We receive Foodlink but we had still needed many many trips to the grocery store and we spent.. just in the month of July...$3,800.99 on food.
August 1st we already spent $869...so we are off to another expensive month.
As I told one of the board members..its gonna be a very long summer.

So my thanks to Seneca Meadows for a wonderfully timed fundraiser and also The Cayuga Nation for the Mini Golf tournament they held two weeks ago.Great job and I am sure a huge amount of work. You have no idea how much it helps.

My thanks to all the runners... as you all ran by my thought  was thanks be for helping stock our pantry shelves. I truly said a little prayer for every one of you.

Thanks to all of you who always remember your local pantry.
We need you... we count on you...we would not be able to continue without you.
It is always a community effort.

"There ain't no good guys, there ain't no bad guys...

There's only you and me and we just disagree".
Ah..would that it were actually all that simple.

My sister and I are in a disagreement. Now I write this knowing that she will probably not read this and most likely nobody will tell her to read it. Not that I would say anything any different if I knew she would read it.
This is not a piece where I try to tell you that I am right and she is wrong.
I will tell you we disagree but I will also tell you that there is no good/right answer.
We have spent the last 7 years of our lives dealing with parents with Alzheimer's/ Dementia.
Parents...plural...the freaking jackpot..BOTH of them.

I am the one who has lived close to them, I am the eldest and I am the one who has had the most hands on work to do. That does not for a second mean that I think my sister has not suffered every bit as much as I have. She is still their child.
Anyone who has had this experience of watching a parent lose all sense of who you are, who they are, what anything is, knows that it is a really horrific experience. I have likened it to Night of the Living Dead.
That has never been anything my sister wanted to hear and the fact is that she has always tried to will them into knowing "stuff". Maybe its because she was not around like I was.  But really I tend to think it is more her personality. I am probably more of a realist. She has always been the one who figured if you think hard enough about what you want then it will happen.
I might think that is true to a point but not with Alzheimer's or any sort of Dementia.
NOBODY gets what they want.
All the positive thinking in the world does not change the reality.
The reality is that the whole thing SUCKS.

So once again I have had to put a parent in a nursing home.
Not just a nursing home but a lock down facility. You know, like prison.
 You need a code to get in and out. They put a tracking device on them.
Probably not what they call it but  call it what you will, indeed that is what it is. And they aren't getting out. Its a life sentence.
Now as hard as it was with my mom, not nearly as tough as with my dad. She was very agreeable and frankly way to far gone to know where she was or to care.
My dad that is a whole other story.
He knows he is not home. He knows that there are people in the home that are... in his words," in bad shape" He asks me to " get him out of there."
But, he is not safe alone and he needs 24/7 care and...there is no money.

Money is a big huge factor with elder care.
Basically this is what you do...  go through every single cent that a person ever made in their whole life and then sometimes do a reverse mortgage and when it is all gone you put them in a nursing home and sell their home and the bank takes their cut and the nursing home gets the rest and then..well then its time for Medicaid.
It is outrageously expensive  to have any kind of elder care. Home care  or placement..the money flies out the door. I have known people who I am sure thought they were set for anything that happened, my parents, my aunts being a couple that come to mind but that just wasn't so.
They didn't know. I do not blame them. Used to be people just didn't generally live long enough for all of this to be an issue.
But now it is. Modern medicine keeps us going and going...but at what cost?
I mean really,what is the point of living into your 80's or 90's and not having a damn clue about anything that is going on? If you cannot tend to your own basic needs?
Walking Zombies.
So my mom is gone and had no idea who i was...thought I was the Avon lady for the last few years of her life...my dad is in a nursing home and knows he knows me but does not know why, often thinks I am his sister and soon very soon will probably not even know that much and my sister isn't  speaking to me.

Did I mention that sometimes life blows?
 Sometimes there are no good answers.
There is only what is the best  choice of a bad situation.
Thats what Alzheimers is, a series of constant  decisions between what is bad and what is worse. Sometimes, often,  the choices seem  pretty much identical.

I guess the good news is that I got my dad in where I wanted him to be. It is close to me. I can run in several times a day. It is the best choice of this particular difficult decision.
My sister will either stop being mad at me or she won't. I think at this point its way easier to be mad at me then to be mad at the fact that parent number 2 has Alzheimers.
I am to tired to be mad at anyone for more than a few minutes.
So thats the way it is.
No good guys, No bad guys, and nobody gets to be a hero.
It is just the way it is.

Demolition Derby

So tonight, while doing some suppertime bickering, the husband says to me " I often wish you were in better health so I could hit you" and I quickly retorted " I wish I had a gun so I could shoot you."

Love...It is not for sissy's.

The plain and simple fact is that the husband and I have a deeply complicated, frequently dysfunctional,and often hilarious relationship.

For example, the theme song to our relationship...something he wrote ( big surprise) is titled " Demolition Derby".
I truly like the song and the fact of the matter is some of the best stuff he has ever written has come when I left him...each time.

This last recording that was made is almost entirely about the cluster f--k of a couple crazy years we spent together and apart.
For smart people we have made some powerfully stupid decisions.

Our relationship started under a cloud and when you have that kind of beginning Nobody really expects you to last...and if you are being honest with yourself you don't expect it to last.

But its been 23 years now. It was 23 years ago that I met him and from the very very first sighting I was gone..done for..it was all over but the shouting.

I remember my very first Kim Draheim sighting. I walked into class and there he was sitting with his legs stuck out in the isle... wearing a long black leather coat..black beatle boots...sunglasses( in class, in winter!)...long hair.
I took it in and stopped breathing, acted nonchalant as I walked by and told my friend that he was obviously "full of himself" when she asked me if I saw him.

I saw him.
He saw me.

Love at first sight.
All that corny crap that neither one of us believes in.
But it happened. At the wrong time, for no real reason, and despite every single reason that it should not have.
AND..
It keeps happening.
I leave, I come back.
I get angry, he writes a song.
He gets angry, I convince him he is an idiot. ( kidding, sort of)

We are old now. Seriously,I really really never in my wildest dreams figure that this kind of crazy romantic drama would happen at this age.
However, since i was reasonably sure I would be dead by 40 I guess that is no surprise.

But here we are...silly old people acting like we are 20.

It occurred to me tonight as I was trying desperately to explain to him my concerns and he was looking at me like I was from another planet...it occurred to me that we are destined to spend the rest of our life together.

It might not always be pretty but...
where else am I going to find someone with who one minute we will be talking about Bob and Tom, followed by NPR, followed by a fight about cat litter and then a heartfelt
" you should be kissing the ground I walk on" dissertation by me...into "hold the baby' I need to finish my blog...and he does.

Fact...he makes me crazy.
Fact...I make him equally as crazy.

So he vows not to hit..I vownever ever to get a gun and so it goes.

"The taste of blood and the smell of gas its a demolition derby and a love the lasts...forever...forever..."

And the password is...

Does anyone remember the game password? I have vague memories of the game. I know there were teams and a password that that one contestant tried to get their partner to guess on basis of the clues they gave them.

I play password every day. I have been playing for over an hour now. The problem is I have been playing with a bad partner...my computer. Lousy ass clues. My favorite food?? I have no idea what I said my favorite food was back in December of 09. At that point I was kind of down in the dumps so i figure it could have been anything..cake..cookies..wine...cakecookiesandwine...evidently not. None of those.

So in order to write my blog I have to remember my password and I don't. So then i start getting clues...Your favorite food..no...Okay your oldest childhood friend..got that ( yay! Lynn) but NO that is not enough and they still want the freaking food or the last password I signed in with?? Well shit if I knew that I wouldn't be playing password with you guys. DUH.

I hate passwords. Do you know how many stupid passwords I have?? Too many. I have one for AOL and one for GMail and one for my HOC GMail and one for my online banking and one for my work online banking and one for pay pal and eBay and don't forget Amazon and it goes on and on and on and sometimes I got to think really??

Does anyone give a shit what I do?
Do people actually sit around and try to get into my stuff?

I mean I can see the banking thing but what exactly are they gonna do with my blog?

Okay here's the thing, most of you know me and if I suddenly start writing a blog that is supporting Rick Santorum or Newt well you all can be pretty sure its not me OR that I have finally had that long awaited nervous breakdown.

I swear that my computer was getting condescending with me too. Kept saying "You just changed your password 1 hour ago"
Now that sounds a little condescending am I right?
Besides maybe I did but that was only because they made me and then I got busy and well..I forgot. YES IN ONE HOUR!!
Sue me.
Got lots on my mind these days.
2012 has been a little tough.
Now don't get me wrong some really wonderful things have happened..but none of it has come easily.

So, yes I am easily distracted and I have never been a detail gal anyway...so I get locked out of my various accounts pretty much daily.
Some of my well meaning friends and family like to give me tips..things like write the passwords down and put them in a safe place.

Can you guess the pitfalls with that idea?

First, I have to remember to write them down someplace that actually counts..not my calendar at work..with all the other numbers and phrases and pieces of a sentence that I am sure actually meant something to me at some point.

Also, not on any random scrap of paper as it will end up in one of my cavernous purses and be gone until I dump the purse and find like 20 different scraps of paper and stare at them trying to decide what they might have meant at some point.

Once I got a little notebook and diligently wrote all my passwords down and that was great...until I lost the book...which happened in less than 24 hours.

A few things have become glaringly obvious to me this year.

First, the brain can only hold just so much before stuff leaks out and stress aggravates that condition.
I admit I am leaking.

So for all of you whose birthday I may have forgotten or who I forgot to check on after your surgery or who had a special event I forgot...I am sorry.
You are not unloved you merely leaked out and chances are good I even thought about it in the middle of the night but then it slipped away by morning.

Second, the more kids you have and the older they get and the more their family grows the more there is to worry about..to remember and to worry about forgetting!

Third...Once your baby has a baby, you are old. Yes that,coupled with the fact that the more times than I care to say lately I have had people refer to me as
"adorable", that spells OLD.

You get to be adorable when you are a child or a quirky old lady.

Ah well could be worse.

It all could be worse...having too many people who you love...so many that you start to forget some of their events..that's not a terrible problem.

The password problem well I could just make them all the same thing...except for the ones that make me change every 90 days...ugh...

Perhaps the answer is tattoos.. all the important dates and passwords...all over my body.

It will be adorable.

Oh and by the way..I have absolutely NO Idea what the password was that I finally managed to sign in to this blog with...so might be awhile before I write again~

Gods Quarterback

Tim Tebow is making a big name for himself. He is making the kind of name where people who pay little or no attention to the sport he plays( football) still have heard about him.

The boy is making headlines.

Often when a Sports figure reaches that kind of mainstream popularity it has been for some scandalous reason. In recent years there have been players involved with dog fighting, gambling, shooting yourself in the leg with you gun that you took with you on a night on the town, adultery, sending texts of your privates...well you get the point, its that sort of "I am the star" entitlement thing.

Tim Tebows thing is that he is a Christian.

He is a card carrying, praise the Lord, out in the open Christian. Its not just a Sunday thing with him and its not just for family, he is out there. He is a young man whose faith is in the forefront of his life. He prays openly every where he goes and that includes the football field. His drop to one knee stance of prayer has inspired much ridicule and commentary. This apparently does not bother him in the least. Week after week he "takes the knee", not the one usually associated with football, and he does his job. This is a job that by all accounts he is doing very well. Something that the football people in the know, commentators, analyst, all said was not going to happen. They said he was over rated.

Well, maybe not.

It seems that Nay sayers have surrounded this guy since before he was even born. For those who don't know his mother had complications and was told to not have him, that it would jeopardize her life and he certainly would not be okay. His mom didn't listen to the experts, she listened to her heart and prayed.
Makes you kind of see why Tim Tebow is so certain of how prayer should be part of his life.

Now I can just hear some of you saying "well fine, I don't care if he is a Christian, I just don't want to hear about it all the time Don't push it in my face."
Really?
He is praying and he is doing his job and they are coinciding.

He is not saying "I will not go back on that field till everyone in the stadium and on the field prays with me." he does not make any demands whatsoever of the people watching him and the men he is playing with.

Lots of people pray at their jobs.

I pray all the time at my job. I start everyday of my life with prayer, I pray frequently throughout the day and I go to sleep with prayers of thanksgiving for the day I just had...even, when that day was kind of stressful.

True, my job is not in the public eye..but...I would do the same thing if it was. I have no problem letting people know what I believe in and that I am here by the grace of God, and I do what I do with only God's help.

When i was having my "Match" days I was hitting it off with a man until the day we were going to meet. That day was a Sunday and I told him that i would meet him after Church.
Well that was the end right there. He told me he couldn't date a Christian. I actually thought he was kidding at first but then i realized that he was dead serious. So I said to him,"Are you that afraid that just being near me will cause a conversion of your atheism? You must feel my "make-believe God" is really powerful."

Football Fans are notoriously outspoken, in your face, staunch, loyal, people. They have Jerseys proclaiming there allegiance, they have hats and coats and gloves with their favorites. Sometimes they even paint their faces or even their bodies with the team colors and logos.
None of that offend me. I don't feel the need to ridicule, I don't feel the need to be outraged, and I certainly would defend your right to do this at each and every game.
If it did offend me for some unknown reason...I would simply look away. Pretty simple solution.

I have no idea how things will play out on or off the field for Tebow. Maybe he will have a great career and maybe he won't. Football is more often than not about how healthy you can remain.

I was very glad to hear Tebow say without reservation that he does not believe that God cares who wins or loses a football game. His prayers are not for winning.
His prayers are for thanksgiving.

Some are calling him "Gods quarterback".
I bristled a little when I first heard that thinking that people meant that God picked him to be best and maybe that is indeed what some people mean.
However, upon thinking about it I think there is some truth to this.
If the "I am a Christian and not afraid to say it message" is the football then Tim Tebow is scoring all kinds of points everyday...and especially on Sunday...and in this day and age that is probably exactly what God would have his Quarterbacks do.

Two very different churches one message

So today I went to church at Trinity Episcopal Church in Seneca Falls and then I went to Bar Church at Swabys in Auburn. Using Outward appearances they were dramatically different.

Trinity is a very old church just celebrated its 125th anniversary in its present location. It is a beautiful,much photographed church with stain glass windows some of which are actually Tiffany windows.

Swaby's is a bar on South Street that has its own unique charm. It has all sorts of prison memorabilia up to and including an electric chair. It is dark and there are two small windows that appear to be stain glass in the room that church was held in. I am sure that had nothing to do with why church was held there anymore than the fact that the electric chair is in that room.

Trinity has an older congregation and it is pretty much comprised of people who either have gone there for their whole lives or just about. I was away for a couple years and there are a few people that I do not know who are there but mostly people know each other.

Lake Church at Swaby's was a very young group. I am very sure I was the oldest person in attendance by several years. I also figure I was one of the few without a tattoo but I didn't check around.

Trinity has a beautiful old pipe organ and a wonderful choir led by the very capable Doug and Susan Avery. The songs are traditional church songs that can be found in the "new" 1982 hymnal.

Today at Lake Church at Swaby's there was a head banging female fronted band from Saratoga Springs...Silversyde was their name and they were hard rockers. Bar Church promotes itself with "the energy is high and the music is load" They weren't lying.

In Trinity it is very easy to tell who you are by what you wear.
If you are in the Choir you wear one kind of robe, if you
are an acolyte you wear another type of robe and if you are a lay Eucharistic minister you wear an other and then the priest wears yet another plus the collar and the stole.
The congregation has no robes.

At Lake Church I never had a clue who was who...as a matter of fact I thought that the minister(?) worship leader..still not sure what he likes to be called... was the bartender.
Seriously.
The band kind of looked like a hard rocking band but there were several young people who had that same look so again...no clues there.

Trinity Seneca Falls follows a prescribed format. There is a lectionary that all the Episcopal Churches use so you can be sure that everyone is hearing the same lesson in all Episcopal Churches everywhere.
Trinity also uses the Book of Common Prayer and it has all the services for every possible occasion and the way they are to run right down to the sitting, standing and kneeling. This again pretty much makes it so you could go into just about any Episcopal Church and be fairly certain how things are done...if you know the Episcopal format that is. I did not when I started and it took quite some time to be familiar with it all.

Lake Church at Swabys had pretty much no actual format. I mean I am sure they decided that the band would play x number of songs and the then there would be a message and then some songs but...that was about it. It was loose. It started late. Well It started when it started but it said 12:00 so I was there at 11:45 because that's what i am used to. The band was still setting up, the sign was being put up and the chairs...which few people used...were being set up.

So different?..yes very very different.

Except for one similarity.

The message.

Priest Polly and Josh( maybe)not sure it was his name they both had the same message no matter how they got there.

Polly's lesson began with the lectionary.
Her core message...and lets be very very clear...this is what I got out of it and for the person sitting next to me or in front of me it may have been very different...was that we need to focus, in this 21st century we are distracted, tempted and we can lose ourselves and our place with God if we do not stop. God is our core but it is so easy to lose sight of that.

Josh( again if I am wrong on his name I apologize) his message was about Camping. Well that was his story but the bottom line and again...what I heard as the bottom line..was watch where you set up camp.
You can have all the best stuff and all the education and all the advantages but you need to set up camp in the right camp grounds or risk having it all disappear.

The focus, the camp, are both with God. God is here for us and all we have to do is be open to it and put our trust in God.

God is love and we are All, every single one of us, called.

And that is a message I can embrace with formal robed church or informal Bar Church.

Amen,Alleluia.

26 and counting...

It has been a rough couple of days. Work is busy.
Wait...Make that... WORK IS BUSY!!!

There were 26 families in for food today...today between 9:30 and 3:00...26 of them.
Oh and then there were the 5 others in for other things..gas money, (no I am not supposed to do that anymore and I did), the woman who needs beds for her kids...the woman who needs a bed for her bad back...the woman who needs help with her rent as she is almost two months behind and the woman who just...as she said...needed to hear someone nice and get a hug.

I could say i don't get paid enough but the truth is I often am fairly sure that I get paid too much.

I get paid for being kind and listening and giving food.

The giving food part is actually often the least of what we do.
Its the part I can track..I can tell you how many came in for food in August( 306 families) and by the way today one of the largest single days ever...I can tell you how many were families and how many were single and how many were what age.

However,I don't actually keep track of how many pep talks we give, how many tissues we hand out, how many people invite us into their lives, how many hugs we give or are given.
Those are the things that makes this a job worth doing and indeed makes it a job that surpasses all others for me.

I have looked around for other jobs. Jobs that pay more...that have benefits..you know that stuff.
I do not get paid a lot, more than the people who work with me but that's not saying much.

I have worked most of my life in Human Service fields and I am 56 with NO Pension..No retirement...and I would have no health insurance except I am married to a guy who has it.
That isn't great and I know to some that is a definite lack of "success".

People who are called to this sort of work do it despite the lack of money, despite the lack of long term security, despite the endlessness of the job, and despite what is often a lack of respect by those who have "real jobs" that make "real money".

Here's the thing...
We actually work on a hug a meter. You tell me how many CEO's of major companies get hugged during their day? Virtually none I bet.
Too bad so sad...
Would I like to be more financially secure at this point in my life? You bet.
Would I change anything that i have done up until this minute? Not really.
Sure If I could wave a magic wand people, all people, would get paid enough to live and live well.
Not rich necessarily..but well.
You would have money for food, for your home, for your family.
Nobody needs to roll in it. Personal opinion? Many of the problems today are due to unmitigated greed. People hoarding money and stuff. To what end? Who knows?

You really can't take it with you.

I worry often about "the state of the world"...I thinks that means I am getting old.

My dream? To live in a world where resources are shared and people, all people, look out for one another.

We aren't there yet.

Probably not in my lifetime...but who knows?

You see those of us who work in food pantries and the like, we are hopeless optimists. We actually believe that " the sun will come out tomorrow".
Oh,We have our moments where we whine, and falter, and grow weary and then...
then we get our hug a meter filled by someone and off we go again.

Feel free to join us..any food pantry, nursing home, literacy group,lunch program, senior center, boys and girls club, big brothers big sisters, the list is endless.

And indulge me a bit a moment of corniness...I have had a long couple of days...
You won't make money but you will get rich.

All My Children

I watched my first episode of All my Children in January of 1970...I was 14. Tonight, I watched my last episode...I am 56.
Now that my friends is a helluva run.

I cannot think of much else that has been that much of a constant in my life.
My Dad...my friend Lynn and my cousin and friend Amy and my sister Lisa. That's it.

Like I said...It is an impressive run.

I have not always watched every single episode..things like kids and work got in the way..but I kept track and I knew the basics of what was happening.

It was at times my deepest and darkest secret.
I consider myself intelligent and progressive( for lack of a better word) and being a devotee of a Soap Opera did not exactly fit in to either category.

But, while I could not say that "everything I needed to know I learned in All My Children...I will say that there were actually quite a few things.
For example...even beautiful,rich folks, have problems..make mistakes...and are insecure. Money does not buy happiness and family is all important.

It may have left the impression that one could indeed undergo..birth, major surgery and death and still look gorgeous but hey..it is freaking TV!

I have three favorite movies..they are:
1. The Wizard of Oz...2. The Godfather...3. Serial Mom.
So, What do all these movies have in common?
In a word? Family.
The preservation of family against all odds.
If you never watched these films they all had this in common...extreme measures are taken to preserve family.

All My Children was much the same.

Yes, they made bad choices...Erica Kane married 11 times( I think... I might have lost track) but she was a mother who would have died for her girls...end of story.
She did not always "get them" but who the hell actually always "gets" their kids. She did not always agree with their choices but again..who does?
They made bad choices with their partners..she made bad choices with hers but again...who hasn't...who doesn't?

I have decided recently that I am not that crazy with my kids growing up, being married and having their own lives.
Yes, I know the very fact that they have done so means I did my job.
I still don't love it.
That's no disrespect against any of my son/daughter in laws...they are fine..good..maybe even great but...I still don't love it.
I am not great at sharing what I love and I love my kids...no matter what...end of story.

FINE ...they get to grow up and right..I did my job.
But I do not have to love it...all the time.

But, back to All My Children...It had been part of my life for longer than many of my friends, It has been what I watched when I was a teenager...a young mother...a divorcee...a dying heart patient...a grieving daughter...a new grandmother...

This one show has seen me through almost all major phases of my life.

But now we are done...end of an era.

I hear it may end up on the Internet and my first thought was that it is not the same and therefore not worth watching.

However...things change..children grow.. relationships end or evolve or both...parents die...hair goes gray...families broaden..and nothing ever ever stays solid and unchangeable.

So..will I watch the continuing story of the residents of Pine Valley?
Probably I will...Erica and I go way way back and...
I don't ever turn my back on my friends.

What would you do if...

This afternoon I decided to spend some time relaxing after a very long and busy weekend/week/summer. So after church and after painting a whole wall....long wall, I decided we were going to head to the movies. A nice escapist film.
So what better to go to than Rise of Planet of the Apes. All I knew about it was that it was a prequel to Planet of the Apes. So far so good...a big summer movie. Not in the category of Tree of Life but I was not looking for that.

No, I was looking for escapism. Which I am sure, for many people, this movie may have fit the bill. For me...not so much. I spent a huge amount of time sobbing. Now if this was the husband that wouldn't be that surprising as he is a big cryer at movies but me...never.

But, this movie got me on several levels.

First, There is the fact that the Apes seemed so sad and so human and it broke my heart seeing them experimented on. Really makes me crazy to think about animals being used for science. Sad Sad...of course these apes did get their day but I guess you may have figured that...hence the title. But...i wept.

However, what really got me was the reason that the Apes got"smarter" I won't say smart as I firmly believe they are already smart...but that's another theme. No, what got me was that James Franco was doing all of this to find a cure for his Dad who had Alzheimer's.
Sigh~
Seeing his dad try and not be able to remember things and seeing the look that passed over the sons face as he watched was just all too familiar.
So as much as I loved the Apes and value their life, i have to say that I could 100% get how someone could try to make things better...even for a bit when your parent has Alzheimer's.

I am sure that I would do absolutely anything even a risky experiment in order to have kept my mom from what she went through for so many years and to keep my dad from getting any worse.
I would try it all. It is a truly insidious disease. I have often described it as being in a version of Night of the Living Dead.
The Zombies...alive, but nothing inside.

Sound cruel?...perhaps... but try watching someone you love sink to where they are scared all of the time and have no idea who you...their child... is.
It is a bad dream that does not end until your parent dies.
How fucked is that?

My mom suffered with dementia for years. The first time I noticed that something was wrong was on my daughter Stacey's birthday. My mom forgot her cake. My mom queen of all celebrations forgot her first grandchild's birthday cake. I still remember standing in the kitchen and feeling that cold chill of fear and thinking "oh God, something is so very wrong."
Yeah, one of those moments when you feel time stop.Even writing about it I feel my heart pound and I am transported back in time.

Of course that was just the first of many many chilling moments.
There was the first time i realized she had no idea who I was.
Eventually we got into a routine where I would ring the doorbell or knock and she would answer. I would smile big and she would smile back and say " oh look, its a pretty lady who is selling something...can she come in?" I would say.."yes Ma'am I am selling hugs and kisses, would you like some?" She would clap her hands and say"oh yes, yes indeed."
That went on until she could no longer answer the door.
My mom was a sweet and generous soul every second that she was alive. Polite to a fault.
She was easier than most with this disease. Most are so frightened that they become violent.
That's gonna be my dad. Yes indeed, I couldn't win a lottery but by God I have two parents with this disease. My Dad is actually diagnosed with Alzheimer's. My mom the diagnosis was Dementia. There are some differences but bottom line...they both are killers....a long slow death. Its a death for the whole family...it sucks you in and breaks your heart daily.
Again...no relief till they draw their last breathe. What kind of child wishes for that??
The horrible part is that you do...God help you...you do wish for that. Not just for yourself but for them. Especially for them. Put the people who raised you in diapers and God Help you...you wish for that.

My dad still knows who I am but he gets very confused very easily. Sometimes he gets me confused with his sister.
He obsesses endlessly. About what? Whatever.
Sometimes he is very childlike but often he is just very angry. And why not? Who the hell wouldn't be pissed? He watched his wife of 56 years go away and still live for years... and he knows that the same thing is happening to him, who the hell wouldn't be angry and scared?

Hard for me though as I am the object of much of his anger. I have "taken his money", took his car, took his life away. Fair, no.
True? Well not really but you can see how he would focus on me. I did make it so i am in charge of his money and frankly now..he doesn't have enough to live month to month and so...I do it and its breaking me.
So when he starts yelling( and he does yell) about me taking his money...I am resentful and then I am guilty. There is a whole bunch of guilt that comes with this disease. Guilt for getting impatient, guilt for getting angry, guilt for wishing it would end.
Especially for that.

So back to the movie. It rang just a tad to close to home.
Not an escape film for me, for sure.

My dad is only going to get worse...I have been down this road before and it breaks my heart daily.

But the film also got me to thinking...what would I do if there was a trial med..a chance that I could try something to make my Dad better? What if it was not tested except on animals? Would I chance it?
Oh Hell yes! In a second. In heartbeat.

In the movie the Dad got better for a bit...not for a long time but for awhile.
I would take any any time that I could get. I would give my dad any amount of time that he could get.
A week... a day of being completely cured...I am in.
So stem cell? Bring it on. Don't even talk to me about how it might not be right. Tests on anything...go for it.

My hope is for a cure before I end up with it. I figure that my dance card is pretty much punched.
Selfish...not really. I hope it way more for my kids than for me. My parents illness has aged me in a way that nothing else has. I pray that will never happen to them.

I could pray that my Dad will have a miracle cure but see I know...That is just the summers latest escape film.
But of course as anyone who has had a parent with this disease knows...there is no escape.

There are moments and they will just have to do.

Its all you get...make it work.

let them eat cake....

The other day I went to a meeting of Human Service professionals from several counties. It was a meeting about developing a new program that would provide diapers and pack and plays for families in need. We were to explore if it is needed and if yes...how exactly would that look.
I went figuring that for the most part we were all for the most part on the same wave length.
Surprise!
We were not.
I detected something that I have been suspecting for awhile now. Here's the thing...times are getting tougher and people are getting harsher.
This is what happened:
I had a one on one with a woman...a nurse...that threatened to get downright ugly real quick. I went from 0 to 120 in about 2 seconds and I think...no I am sure... the anger was very evident.

This is what the woman said that torked me so...she said
"I am against just giving "these people" diapers for nothing. I am tired of handing people things without them having to do a thing."

Okay, now them is fighting words for me. First...as soon as you refer to anyone as "those people" you have me on the defensive...and subsequently the attack.
However, I tried to be open and see just exactly what she meant. So I said " oh really, please do be more specific."
So, she looked at me and said " well many of these people
( there is that phrase again)are irresponsible and use their money on things like cigarettes. If they can afford cigarettes and not diapers they should be turned into child protective."

Oh my Oh my...it took every single once of patience that I had in me not to leap across the table and choke her.
But I did not... I figured the board would have to fire me if I did that and I like my job.
I also did not say as I wanted to" you have no freaking clue what you are talking about."
But, i did say.."oh really? Child protective? So, you think when a family comes in and i can smell the cigarette smoke on them and the poop in their kids diapers and I have the diapers I should "teach them a lesson" by refusing them diapers and calling child protective?" She said "well why should we support their bad habits?"
Sigh~
But a fair question. The fact is I have more than once...probably more than once a week said very directly to people that IF they were to stop smoking they would have more money.
I do not condone it. However, I completely understand it.

Now to be fair I also actually understand what the nurse meant...it is hard to understand that someone would not see or worse does see the correlation between the amount of money they spend on cigarettes( or getting their nails done or going to McDonald's)and they still do it.

I think...we have a whole different ball game going on these days.

More and more people are falling through that invisible line that used to be middle class and falling straight...do not pass go... into poverty.

That does two things.
One,it makes it so the people who are now there haven't quite been able to let go of everything that is"a waste of money." Smokers are the most glaring example but there are others.
I figure that it is almost like "waving the white flag" to poverty. We give up...were poor. That's hard to wrap your head around.

The other thing is that the rest of the people who are slipping towards the edge or just sense that ever widening gap..are scared. They want to believe that this is something that most certainly can be avoided its just that people are "doing it wrong".
If that's the case then they won't ever be in that situation.

This month at House of Concern, the food pantry that I have been in charge of for over 4 years now, had 306 families in for food. That number smashes all previous numbers by a tremendous amount. We were barely able to keep the shelves filled. We spent... in 10 days... almost $2,000 on food at Aldis's. That's a lot of food.

306 families, and 30 of them were brand new to food pantries. Most still employed, places like Wal-Mart, the Outlet Mall, area diners, most married families with children.

I believe one of the reasons for the huge number is that Seneca Falls did not have any kind of program for children that provided food in the summer months and that was crippling to the families involved.
My goal is to have something in place next year one way or the other.
I think that will help them and I think it will ease the burden on the pantries.

But mostly, I think we are looking at a shift. The rich are getting richer and the number of poor is increasing.

The middle class is vanishing.

So we all have some choices to make.
Many of us( like myself) need to stop living beyond our means. We need to develop a plan because when you totter along the edge sometimes you fall in.

We also each have to think about what we feel we are called to do.

For myself,as a child of God who is trying to live in to the kingdom, i feel it is my call to help those in need.
Period end of story.
Hopefully, I will help in many cases by making an impact beyond a bag of food, or a couple diapers.
And if that is all it is, well then my prayer is that God will keep me from growing cynical.

Oh and one more thing... if you ever hear me saying anything about "those people" you have my permission to slap me.

I hear its your Birthday...its my birthday too

Ugh~ Okay that is so not the proper response...Yippee!!
But here is the thing..today I feel more ugh than yippee but mostly, most of the time it really is Yippee!!

I mean believe me, I, more than many, get the true value of a birthday.
This is because, when I was about 48 and a very insensitive doctor looked at me as we sat chit chatting about this that and the other thing and he said " well you won't have to worry about turning 50"
It was like a slap in the face and I thought at that exact moment "bull shit...I have every intention of living long enough to have have married kids and grand kids and see my all kids through school".

And I did.
So each birthday I would like to say to that guy...Thank-you...because I never...not ever... like to be told what I cannot do.

I am amazingly healthy all things considered. My heart at one point was so weak that it was an effort to breathe or eat or do anything much but sleep. It was a weird thing that took me in a minute from being really quite healthy to an invalid.

The reason never really discovered. Some theories..most actually... say it was the infection in my tooth that went straight to my heart despite the fact that I received dental care and took antibiotics. If so, imagine what would have happened without me doing that.
Others have said that during those years many people were infected with some sort of virus that attacked muscles, in particular heart muscles.
Well maybe... but I am not even sure it actually matters.

What matters is that I got better and I have already lived several years more than was expected.

I have lived long enough to see all my children except one get married and three of them have children and another one soon to have one.

I have lived long enough to walk away and walk back to the man who is one of the most difficult, but most worthwhile humans that I know. The walk away was imperative for both of us... the walk back was equally so.

I have lived long enough to discover a faith in God that has astounded this former atheist. Not just discovered and rejoiced, but discovered and felt the need to immerse myself in the belief and tell the story to anyone who cares to listen and most likely to some who don't.

I have lived long enough to have a job that is not a job so much as it is a calling. I have worked and worked hard for the last 4 years at The House of Concern and I cannot imagine doing anything else... At least not this second.

I have packed a whole lot into the last few years. A whole lot...and I have every intention in packing each subsequent year every bit as full.
I have plans that stretch right straight into my 90's.
Really.
I have plans to do the following..run a race..consider being ordained again...write a book...join the Peace Corps...be grandmother to many...and to enjoy each and every year of my life.
How freaking great is that!

So, the fact that I get senior discount sometimes when that young blond twit is at Dunkin Donuts and I really should not yet..that only bothers me for a minute..okay maybe two...and then I think.."sweet 10% discount".

The fact that I just realized that I could move into senior housing does not bother me...much.

The fact that I just realized today that I am a mere 4 years away from free admittance to the State fair will not bother me...this year.

I have a hard time reconciling myself to the fact that I am not young anymore. I still feel young. Well most days...recently...after I started trying to run...I thought perhaps I was actually 100.

However, since I have never ever run in my life..I think that is to be expected.
Not even as a kid did I run. My mother would say "run outside and play" and I would shoot her a disdainful look and grab my book and drag myself out into the yard and plunk myself down in the lawn chair under the tree. That was my extent of "running".

I am not athletic. Yet I really want to see if I can mange to run a 5k. I will start with a 3k and they call that a"fun run"...not sure who is having fun..so far not me...but I am committed to at least trying.
I might be last but since I am not even supposed to be alive well that's still something..right??

So, well I've forgotten most of why I was in a bad mood...I think it had something to do with a disagreement with one of my kids but this has made me remember that this too shall pass and as the husband always says to me...
"it will all work out in boom land baby"
and so it will.

happy almost birthday to me!!

"Its bitter bad..heartsick sad.."

"If you do me wrong I'll put your first and last name in my rock and roll song"...
Ah,Melanie.I loved that song.

Now... If she was like the woman I just read about..and I am sure you MUST have heard about it...then putting the guys name in her Rock n Roll song was seriously tame stuff.

This woman was really really pissed off...she took her husband...drugged him..cut off his penis and then... she threw it in the garbage disposal...and turned it on.
SHE TURNED IT ON!!
THAT'S PISSED OFF.
Also... kinda crazy.

As mad as I have been at certain men in my life ( and I have been seriously pissed) I cannot imagine being anywhere CLOSE to that angry.
I mean that's even beyond the Lorianna Bobbette mad.

You remember Lorianna right? She cut her guys junk off and then threw it in a field. There was however a chance of recovery with that act and indeed there was a recovery and surgery.

Not an option for this other guy.
YIKES.
Yeah... he should have been so lucky to have been married to a Melanie type...or even a blogger.
People who write are able to purge themselves of an awful lot of anger.
Thanks Be!
I have written so much that no eyes except mine will see but that is part of the process for me.
Who knows how seriously crazy I would be without it. Still...I must say not even in my writings at my very very worst moments did I ever think up what this woman actually did.
Okay... maybe part of it... but the garbage disposal!!??!! Nope.
That's kind of the point of no return.

I like writing because I can edit.
I can censor myself.
I can revisit.

That woman should have had a hobby..writing..acting...running...anything...
Being married is tough but seriously, if you find yourself looking at your husband...thinking about him and the garbage disposal and its not in conjunction with him fixing it...get help quick!

There is no do-over when you grind up his do-diddly do.
Not for you and definitely not for him.

Writing has kept me sane for years. Okay...Okay...saner.
I have had moments that I could have done something really crazy and then I wrote about it and thought about it and wrote about it some more and then I didn't do it.
Usually.

Writers... are often thought to be a little eccentric but I always figure that is actually a case of "just think what they would be like if they didn't write?"

Life, Love, hard hard hard.
We all need something to take the edge off of life. God...Family ...friends..all good...crucial even...
But sometimes when life gets truly difficult we need to tap into something that takes us from what is our driving crazy of the moment.
Writing does it for me. Its different for everyone.

So men, if you make your woman mad..really really mad and she has no outlet...you might just want to try to make nice very quickly...or sign her up for a writing class..or at the very least... dismantle the garbage disposal.

MHS...its a national epidemic!!

This my friends is a very important PSA.

MHS... Mistaken Hotness Syndrome.
Formerly affecting primarily men and women over fifty...it is spreading wildly and uncontrollably and someone you love MAY be Next!!

Symptoms include but are not limited to...wearing age inappropriate clothing. This can range from wearing clothing that is meant for teens or wearing clothes that you wore when you actually were a teen..
Piercings on anything other than ears on anyone over 50. Buying Cars that are neither comfortable or practical especially if you are a grandparent.
Sudden purchases of any of the following: a motorcycle... a boat... an electric guitar( that they do not know how to play)...or anything that smacks of former glory days.


MHS used to be fairly easy to identify..Former Cheerleaders, football players and men over 50 who play rock and roll ( and the women who love them) these were the primary victims.

But...it has spread and the newest victims are younger and falling hard. This newest strain has relationship and career ending potential. Once merely a disease that caused embarrassment to the children of the victims...now it wreaks havoc on the victims, their families, and over worked paparazzi.

Consider two of the more famous recent casualties: Tiger Woods and Anthony Weiner. Both men who without Golf and political career respectively would not have been given the time of day by most women. Certainly, never ever by all the women that ultimately did give them the time of day( or night) or tweet.

But give them a bit of fame..a bit of power..and MHS grabbed them by the----- and did not let go until they cried SEX ADDICTION.

Now in my humble opinion that is a misdiagnosis.
Actually what I generally say when I hear that is the reason for a fall from grace is "sex addicts my ass" but be that as it may.

I will be kind and I will go with the fact that maybe, just maybe, they have been mistakenly diagnosed.
Dr. Diane says they actually have Mistaken Hotness Syndrome.

Women paid attention to these men and they started to believe that they were actually HOT. They believed it forgetting that they already had landed truly good looking, intelligent wives and they were willing to look like total jackasses and risk it all.

MHS truly makes you stupid.
It does NOT make you a sex addict.

So friends heed the warning and be watchful..the signs are there. Please watch carefully, watch your friends, watch your parents, watch your next door neighbor and your priest.
Intervene while there is still time...because there is no known cure.

This has been a Public Service Announcement brought to you by The National MHS Coalition.

My name is Diane...

My name is Diane and I am a email..texting..Face Book...twitter...addict.

I know that might sound silly and relatively impossible considering I am 55 years old and a few short years ago I could barely turn on a computer and had a cell phone that was only for emergencies.
But it is the way of the world now for many it has become an integral part of life and for some it has become a problem.

Now in these 12 step groups they always want to know when your rock bottom moment came. Mine was the night I heard my fancy phone ( its an Android but I just call it fancy) ding and I checked the email and it was a work related email and I proceeded to answer it...which would have been OK if it had not been 3:00 AM...
3:00 AM!!!!

Okay, unless you are the President of the United States you probably do Not have a job that is SOOOO important that you MUST attend to a situation that very minute.
Trust me..they do not pay me anywhere near enough to be on 24 hr 7 day a week call.

Frankly I am just NOT that important.

Delusions of grandeur.. I think Face Book and Twitter and the ability for everyone to know where you are and what you are doing every single moment of the day and night gives us all delusions of grandeur.

Most of us really aren't that interesting. Does anyone really care how I spend my day? Perhaps the husband has to feign a bit of interest in my day but the rest of you don't.

I have seen couples who do a majority of their communicating on face Book..they make plans on Face Book..they keep track of each other on Face book and they even fight on face Book and THAT is truly dangerous. Once you do that you invite unwanted advice and you run the risk of putting things out there that should be private.

Private..you remember private right?
It is getting harder and harder to be private.
The thing is even if you are trying hard to keep off the radar there is always someone who is watching and most likely reporting and recording it all.

Big Brother is watching and he is all of us.

We are all so very interested in the latest gadgets and devices and we think we want them all... no we actually think we NEED them all and I have come to start wondering WHY?
Why do I need my Email and my facebook to come to my phone? Why do I need to never ever be off.
Because that is what it is... you are never ever off.

This is a real real danger for folks like me who are Human Service professionals and frequently have a bit of the "I must save the world" thing going on.
The stress that I was feeling was over the top many days and I think it is not that anything is THAT much harder or stressful...I think its because I had forgotten how to turn it all off.

If you feel anxiety when you have not checked your email/twitter/facebook account within the hour you too have forgotten how to turn it off.
If you have convinced yourself that people really give a shit that you just went into Wegmans..you have forgotten how to turn it off and...you are wrong..they don't.

We are losing the art of human contact and communication. It is as Orwell predicted.
The part that amazes me is that we have all so willingly stepped into it.

Now does that mean I am going to stop using all these various forms of communication? No. Just this morning I went to a great workshop about Social Media and Communication. It can be a most effective tool for people in Human Services who are frequently doing more with less and less staff. It works.

But it is again like anything else..
I love a good ( big)glass of wine in the evening... However, If I start having a good ( big) Bottle of wine in the evening that might just indicate a problem.
Moderation is always key...

So here is my personal plan for recovery..first, I no longer take my phone to bed. Period.
Nor do I have my computer in my room,or an Ipod or a radio or a Television or even a clock. I have a bed and books. If it starts to get light out and I hear the birds I figure it is getting time to get up..if my stomach growls I get up.
That did make me wake up at 4:45 the other morning but so be it.

I sleep longer I sleep better and I have started to dream again.
I have always been a woman who pays close attention to her dream life. You can't pay attention to what you aren't remembering and that is Much harder if you have nothing but broken sleep.

I start my day quietly and I end my day quietly.

Will I backslide? Probably. Do I still need to make adjustments? Yes.
But they say acknowledging that you have a problem is the first step...
So, I did.

The First Mothers Day...

There are good firsts and bad firsts. Today is both. Today is the first Mothers Day that my daughter is a mom and it is the first Mothers Day that my mom is gone. Both firsts have made a huge impact on me.

My daughter becoming a mom has been a joy to me. To watch her and all she has gone through in the first 9 months of my granddaughters life has been exciting, funny, memorable, and poignant on many occasions.

She, who has asked for virtually no advice from me since she was about 3, suddenly... sometimes ...does. Which is nice...different..but nice.

Now don't get me wrong this is by and large her show all the way and my advice is not likely to mean squat a good deal of the time ...okay especially the advice that I may offer unbidden..but those moments that I see her actually heeding it..those are great!

Moms like to help.

We like to help when asked.

We like to help when not asked.

Actually, we especially like to help when not asked because that's when we see you are heading down the wrong way and truth to be told it is usually a path we mistakenly went down ourselves so we are just trying to save you the trip.

That's what moms do...try to save you from any unnecessary wrong trips.

FYI... We do that our whole lives not just when you are young and in our care.

Being a mom is tough work and It never ever ends. Never. Ever Ever....Ever.

You might think that it will get easier and yes in many ways it does get easier...and in many it gets harder...especially when you start having kids of your own because then WE start having grandkids and that just starts it all over for us.

I made my mom a grandma at a rather young age. She was in her early 40's.

It was not, for one moment what she expected from me or probably wanted for me and she knew how very unprepared I was for the job. She never let on that she was worried about it. She just jumped in and helped me.

She had a wonderful knack of helping me figure things out and then letting me think I figured it on my own. Considering how little I actually knew she probably had to spend many a sleepless night trying to figure out the easiest way to get me to know what I needed to know.

I didn't know much about kids because I was not one of those girls that did a lot of babysitting, I had a younger sister who I tried really hard to ignore, and I had declared at the age of about 7 that I was never going to have kids. Never. Ever Ever...Ever.

I was going to be a reporter and I was heading out in the world. No kid to tie me down.

So the mechanics of babies and kids I had ignored.

Diapers were cloth and involved pins and rubber pants and washing machines.

Bottles involved lots of measuring and boiling.

The little walkers that they sat in were death traps and my poor Stacey probably started walking at 9 months for fear of getting stuck permanently in her little yellow walker.

Motherhood in the 70's was not easy.

Probably less easy in the 50's.

So my mom helped me with all the basics.

A left handed diapering wizard, she taught me how to hold down a squirming baby with one hand and diaper..with pins no less... with the other and all the various songs and distractions that went with accompanied that.

She helped directly and indirectly. She jumped in feet first and she rocked my babies and read to my babies and took pictures of my babies and of course she loved my babies.

She adored each and everyone of her grandchildren with every bit of her being.

An incredibly easy going person, I remember her getting as angry as I ever saw her with one of the teachers at Herman Ave school because she felt that one of them had said a disparaging remark about her grandchild. That was it for that teacher. She was livid.

It was shortly after that she decided she should not be the librarian where her grandchildren were attending school if possible.

Probably a good idea.

My mom and I became friends by the time I was about 25. She called me one morning and she asked me to go to lunch and hear a speaker with her.

There was a slight pause and she said " they said I could bring a friend and right away I wrote your name down on the sheet...I hadn't realized that I thought of you that way until I did that"

I spoke to or saw my mom probably a minimum of 4 or 5 days out of every week...more often that not it was every single day..for over 55 years. Even when she no longer had a clue who I was and thought I was "selling something" we talked.

The last few months have been tough.

I sleepwalked through the first Thanksgiving and Christmas without her. It had been a matter of weeks since she died at that point.

Easter was a little tougher but mostly Easter was tough because May was fast approaching.

May is the month that I always considered my Moms own personal month.

May holds not only Mothers day but also her anniversary and her Birthday. It was her favorite month. She loved the green of springtime, planting of her flowers, opening up her windows and getting some"nice fresh air".

She would love today.

The sun is shining. the birds are chirping happily, the grass is a brilliant green, flowers are blooming and its Mothers Day.

She loved beautiful cards and good chocolate. She was most easy to please on Mothers day.

She was most easy to please every day.

My mom taught me many things in life...cooking? check! Sewing...not a chance...housekeeping...she tried.

The important stuff, of course, is none of that.

She taught me about unconditional love.

She taught me that loving and caring for a child is a full time, whole life experience. It does not end at 18 or 21 or when they get married or even when they have kids of their own. It doesn't end if they do things you don't like or don't agree with. It doesn't end if they make bad choices. It doesn't end if they move away.

It doesn't end...period.

My mom is gone and I talk to her everyday. I wonder what she would do in any given situation. When I recently made a fairly bad decision based on anger and fatigue, my first thought was how great it would be to call her and tell her what I did.

I knew she would have laughed( it was funny...awful...but funny non the less) and then she would have told me to own up to what I did and try to make it right.

Which I did.

Right now i know she would tell me get off that computer and "get outdoors Diane, It is a beautiful day!" She would then break into a chorus of "Oh what a beautiful Morning".

So..

"Oh what a beautiful morning. Oh what a beautiful day. I've got a beautiful feeling every things going my way!"

Happy 1st Mothers day to my Amanda.

Happy Mothers Day to Sheena and Laura.

Happy Mothers Day to my mother-in-law Ruth

Happy Mothers Day to all my friends...

But most of all...

Happy Mothers Day to my mom.. I miss you.. love you...and I am going outside now.

Marriage should be illegal...

"Marriage should be illegal" those words were said to me recently by one of my newly wedded children.

Then my dear one said " I have never wanted to choke someone til their eyeballs popped out of their head up so much in my whole life."

Yep..that's married life.

Those first couple years when you are with someone are filled with passion..and passion takes lots of forms... for example... wanting to choke someone til their eyeballs pop out is one form.

Not that I would not know anything about that sort of thing...Kim and I have always been level headed and rational.

Which is why the kids and their friends used to rate our fights in terms of most interesting..most exciting..most entertaining.

The one that comes up most often is the one where I was so angry that I picked up my daughters Big Wheel ,threw it and hit the hood of his van as he drove off. Which is made all the more impressive by the fact that I was a pretty good distance from the vehicle.

I also tried to run him over with my car.

He threw a cup so hard against the kitchen wall it left a hole...

Passion.

Eventually though you get to the point where you start to understand your partner..the things they will say..their reactions to life events..what torks the heck out of them.

Now most of the time those are the lessons that we can use to make life calmer, easier and productive...

Except for when we don't.

Except for those days when we just really want to make a point.

In the "old days" I would decide to make my always salient point by getting up earlier than the husband and playing music that he hated ...loudly.

The Indigo girls and Melissa Ethridge being the two best battle cries I could mount.

It was the equivalent of poking a hornets nest...or waving a red flag at a bull...or bombing a neighboring country.

It got things going.

Which we need to do sometimes in a marriage.

However, I have found these past many months that living apart from your love has its advantages when you are so sick of that person that you stare at them wondering" WTF was I thinking when I married you?? Why did I even date you?? For the love of God why did I date you a second time?"

Yes, If you want to have a "time out" two houses can be advantageous.

Most of us can't afford that...trust me it is not an economically good option.

Its a good option if one of you is a hobo...no offense to the Hobos of the world.

I can make my case about my husbands"hobo" ways with this story.

I have been doing lots and I mean lots of cleaning to make the move back into the house.

Last Saturday i decide I am going to clean the kitchen sink. I scrub and scrub for about 45 minutes(really) and finally decide enough for now..it is pretty good.

The husband comes home awhile later and he walks in the kitchen..looks at the sink..turns away..does a couple things comes back to the kitchen looks at the sink again and says nothing..third time he is back again this time he peers into the sink and has this funny look on his face..he turns and looks at me and says" Di, did you paint the sink white?"

'I just sigh and shake my head and say " no Kim..that's what it is supposed to look like."

I rest my case.

I married one of the few men in the world who could make me appear neat.

See kids ...marriage is like that.

It changes you. You both grow..learn give and take..embrace new facets of your personality.

So what to do...if you are going to make it as a couple.., and you can't afford separate homes?

I would suggest the following...First, have a strong throwing arm... Second,figure out what really makes them mad and use that information wisely...And third, but most importantly,develop a killer sense of humor so you can tell the story without actually choking their eyeballs out of their head...

and of course it is all about the story.

The road from the heart to the head...

"Its a long and lonely highway from the heart to the head." That is a line from one of Kims' new songs. I find it very moving and very accurate.

When we fall in love our brain isn't really involved.

Well, think about it... we "FALL" in love. We do not step gingerly..we do not walk....we do not even run..its a freaking FALL.

If, by some chance our brain is involved at all then chances are it is not that gut twisting, moon eyed, can't get enough of you, kind of feeling.

Falling in Love is rarely rational.

People do some seriously crazy stuff for love.

Seriously. Think Romeo and Juliet...Maria and Tony( okay I know that's the same)...Elizabeth Taylor and Richard Burton...twice...

See its not always easy to maintain that level of crazy.

It often ends badly.

It often...well... ends.

The trick is maintaining it.

Which judging by the 51% divorce rate is not easy.

Yet, some people do just that.

I am sure you know some couple that have been together for 50+ years and still do lovey things..still look happy and goofy when they catch sight of their love.

They make it look easy.

There was a couple at church that were together for over 50 years. He was 3 years younger than her and he told me that the first time he saw her he was 14, they were at a church dance and he fell in love instantly. She said she saw him and thought well now I have to wait for that boy to grow up a little.

Bruce and Mary.

Mary also told me that in all their years together they had never had a fight, not one. Ever.

Which seems really hard to believe. Over 50 years with the same person and no fighting?

I asked Bruce how that could be and he said" well she rarely does anything I don't agree with."

So I asked and if she does?

He said..."I take a walk. I take a walk until I am no longer mad...sometimes its a long walk."

That's what all marriages need at times... a long walk.

I just got back from my walk. It was 17 months long.

So what did I learn during my walk?...I learned several things...I am pretty good with being on my own...the husband is not.

He did unspeakable things to the house in a relatively short period of time. Who doesn't know about dusting?? Or that you really need to clean the top of the stove once in awhile...or at least once.

Actually, I learned more important things than the fact that the man is kind of a Hobo...I already knew that.

I learned I can hold a grudge...a long long time.

I learned that forgiveness is a whole lot easier to preach about than to actually practice.

I used to preach really well about forgiveness and redemption...but as my friend Lynn's grandma used to say" its easy to be an angel when nobody ruffles your feathers."

My feathers were seriously ruffled and I wanted to make sure that NOBODY forgot it...evidently most of all me.

So, I replayed all that went wrong and did some wallowing and fretting and I decided how it should have gone down and I absolved myself from any wrong doing.

I became the innocent victim in my very own tale of woe.

So what did that accomplish? Well, it made me very self righteous. Yes indeed, righteous indignation that's a good substitute for love.

It also solves virtually nothing.

I learned that having an angry and a vindictive spirit is like being mired in the mud. The longer you are in it the harder it is to get out.

I learned...being "right" isn't actually as important as being happy.

My therapist told me that a very long time ago...like the first time I saw her...but some things can't be heard... they need to be felt.

I learned that connecting...really connecting on all levels with someone...is something that few people are lucky enough to have.

It is rare and it should be held in high regard.

I learned that we all have our own unique dysfunctions that we bring to a relationship. It is both the challenge and the interest in a good relationship.

As the song goes " there is a secret passage and a toll that is due...there are parts of me that are missing and parts of you."

But the most important thing that I learned was that I love my husband enough to put up with

( as my mother-in-law would so delicately put it) "the shit and the string beans" and that makes my very long walk worth every step.

I

And the circle goes round and round...

My baby just turned 21. A child born several years after her first set of siblings and 7 years behind her closest siblings so not just my baby... their baby too. Baby sister but baby none the less.

Many of their friends had some of their first experiences with babies and toddlers with her. She was carried around a lot. They all liked to hold her.

Her oldest sister hardly put her down her first year. There was no "let her cry it out" in our house.

Her next oldest sister had a fondness for taking her out with the girls once she started to drive. Two or more teenage girls and a 4 year old bombing around town with the radio blaring.

Her brother and his friends liked to torment her a bit... but It was always good natured.

She was taught completely inappropriate songs like "Gin and Juice"..( was that the name?) and " Baby Got Back"..and "Enter Sandman".

She..who spoke little...did learn some serious swear words early on. Evidently, "the sistas" as she called them... thought that was VERY funny. I am reasonably sure one of the sistas..now a grade school teacher..and new mom...might have a different idea about how funny that is now ...but that is how life goes. Things change.

Change.

Lots of that in the last couple of years.

For example..I am now officially the parent of adults. All of them... card carrying adults.

Not sure how the heck that happened.

Nor am I 100% sure where I fit in here.

It is especially difficult with the married ones...feeling your way around that potential land mind is very tricky. Suddenly every motherly instinct regarding advice..or ignoring their wishes because you think ..well they are just kids and what the heck do they know...suddenly that is not Okay!

If they have children of their own that just ups the ante with the precarious position you may find yourself in.

No longer are you in charge.

Even if you think they need help...even if you think they are wrong...it is now their show.

Theirs to decide what is right ..theirs to do as they see fit. Theirs to make their own mistakes.

Difficult place for any mother to find herself in.

Some of us have more trouble than others.

Some moms... and I have seen them... ignore the fact that their kids are adults and they just do what they want! Can you believe it??

Okay, maybe once or twice I might have done it but by and large I have not been the butinsky type of mama.

Which is not at all the same as not wanting to be the butinsky type of mom.

There is no retirement party for moms...because there is not really an actual retirement for most moms.

I think it is kind of like being the former President. You are used to being in charge..used to people wanting and needing your help and advice..and all of a sudden your opinion no longer really matters. You still see the situations and you think "I know how to handle that" and nobody even asks what you think. The very people that you once had to tell why " you may not stick the scissors in the outlet" or why " you cannot wear your boots and bathing suit to preschool"...

these are the folks in charge now!

Once in awhile..when situations are delicate..you MIGHT be asked for your advice...but usually you are just brought out for show...but nobody plays "Hail to The Chief" for moms.

It is a little hard to get used to.

Don't get me wrong...There are several perks..free time...not having to cook..listening to whatever you want on the car radio...laundry once a week.

I also realize it is way better than having children that cannot function as adults. I thank God every day for the fact that my children grew up. No small thing at all.

So my baby is 21..and 28...and 33...and 35. The circle goes round and round...and so much sooner than they can possibly know their babies will be 21 too.

I pray I am here to see it and...

I will even hum Hail To The Chief for them.

The Valentines Trap...or Love Stinks,,,,

Valentines day is a day which is fraught with unmet, unrealistic expectations.

Right from the get go it is a trap designed to make you feel inferior and unloved.

As a child in grade school I would make the valentine "mailboxes" tape them to my desk and worry.

First, I worried because my mailbox was always messy...there were glue spots and nothing ever stayed where it was supposed to stay..the stupid hearts would slide off onto the floor and some kid would step on it and hand it back to me with a foot print on it.

Yes... ever since I was 6... I was sporting footprints on my heart.

Mostly i worried that nobody was going to give me a valentine or that if they did give me one it would obviously be one of the leftovers that their mom made them give out to "be nice".

Even back then kids were told to give one to everyone in the classroom but that didn't always happen.

There were ways around that whole thing and everyone knew it. For example you get one that was meant for a boy and had something like a stupid cowboy on it or an astronaut. If another girl gives you an astronaut you know that means" you are nothing to me and my mom made me give one to everyone." Sigh... I got a lot of cowboys and astronauts.

Which was better than not getting one at all. There was one girl in my class who would always say in her little sing songy voice " oh I ran out of cards and your a V so I didn't have one for you" Liar. I happen to have had the exact same box and I know there was 36 in a box and there are only 30 in our classroom.

However, it wasn't just getting the valentines that was a problem it was the giving of them that was an issue. I would agonize over who got what card. Would they know that the card means I like you but not I LIKE you LIKE you... I was very worried that I would end up with a bunch of boys thinking I LIKED them when indeed I merely tolerated them and I most certainly did not want them thinking I wanted to be their girlfriend. In addition, I also always had one boy that I did actually LIKE LIKE and I wanted him to sort of know but not really know and all of this makes the card selection from a box of 36 cartoon characters a very difficult task.

Can't give out stupid valentines...can't give out babyish valentines...can't give out old lady valentines and you sure as shit better not hand make them! My poor mom suggested we do that one year and I threw a fit to end all fits. It screamed poor kid and besides as previously mentioned I was not exactly "crafty".

I figure that the whole grade school valentine debacle was merely designed to get you in training for the more profound disappointments in the years to come.

It was during my teen year that I really got familiar with the Valentine trap.

It was the 70's... during which I spent much of my time in jeans and talked a lot about what we called back in the day "women's lib".

I was for it and Valentines day was meant to keep women subservient to a man. Giving a woman flowers and a mushy card or a box of candy or the stuffed animal with a big old red heart was a trap..a ploy..a way of clouding our mind and eyes to the realities of inequality.

Oh I really talked the talk.

During that time I had an on and off boyfriend. This guy was not a mushy kind of guy and we talked (well I talked, he listened ) about how it was a plot by ""the establishment to keep women down.

Brother, Talk about screwing yourself!

So while I was in my room writing tortured poetry, plotting government overthrow, and listening to Bob Dylan ,my boyfriend was free to totally ignore the day. He also managed to ignore my Birthday, Christmas and any other event that meant he might have to spend some cash but that's another story.

The year I was 16... he did stick a card in the paper box in front of our house. I found it the next day.It was kind of frozen in the envelope and kind of ripped when I opened it.

It had a cupid on the front of it that and inside it said " valentine..my heart gets jumbly , my words get mumbly..when you are near. "

I was surprised...I was flattered..I was confused...most of all I was...HAPPY!

I did like all this valentine mushy stuff..sound the freakin alarms..I want candy ...I want flowers..heck I will even break out a red dress and shoes...just give me more of THAT.

I still have the card today...39 years later.

You would have thought that I had learned a lesson from this revelation/

Well you would be wrong.

For years and years as soon as all the pink and red candy heart boxes show up in the stores and the advertisements for flowers..jewelry.. and candy engulf us..I would say over and over to husband number 1 +2 how it is a manufactures event. It is designed to make companies rich and that I do not need a holiday for some man to tell me they love me.

Which it is.

Which I don't.

Which is something that many women say once they are settled with a man.

What we don't say is...that knowing all that...WE STILL WANT IT!!

Listen carefully all my new son-in-laws and my son...if you have never paid attention to a single word I have ever said listen...

To all men in general...

It is good advice so you might want to write it down..." if your wife/partner says they do not want anything for Valentines day..that they do not need it...that it is stupid...

DO NOT BELIEVE THEM.

IT IS A LIE.

IT IS A TRAP.

We all want stuff.

We want the flowers at the work...because the office is just another 3rd grade classroom on that day. Whoever has the biggest..best..most stuff on their desk...WINS.

If we are not at work we want them at home.

It means somebody...who is not a thoughtless lug...loves us.

It means their is still a little bit of romance out there.

We want the grand gesture

If you take them to dinner on "the day" its even better. Sure it will be less crowded a day or two before..or a day or two after..and probably cheaper..but it Won't be Valentines Day and by God that is the day we really want to be taken out.

Now if you are a good cook and can make a great romantic ( no kids) dinner that is our favorite

( not yours ) and clean up the mess( very important) and can make the table look pretty

( no paper plates ) then you can also cook for us at home. It is acceptable especially on a work night.

We want romance and we want pampering and ( here is the kicker) those of us who protest the most..want it the most!

Those are the women who sadly expect a man to "just know"

I am here to tell you ladies that is an extremely dangerous and self defeating game..they don't know unless we tell them..and they sure don't know if we tell them its Okay to ignore it...they believe us. Silly Silly men..they believe us.

The advertisements do us all great harm..it is a set up..I was right as a teen..but it is what it is.

Nobody ever said being in Love is easy. It takes work. It takes learning the rules..even the unspoken ones.. Actually, especially the unspoken ones.

Now, my plans for this year is to play " Love Stinks" over and over while eating the box of chocolate I bought myself and drinking my favorite wine. The rest of you get busy. Men there is still time to do it right and women there is still time to make your needs known!

Good Luck and Happy Valentines Day!

Community~

Community. When you hear that word what images come to mind? For me, I tend to think of a group of like minded people. I usually connect that with church. A while back someone pointed out to me that our community really does not have to be in any way church related... that it is a group that you have common interests and goals with.
Perhaps.. Like a book group could be a community or a writers group..they would fall into that definition.

Still...I tend to think it is more than that... which brings me back to church.

I have been involved with a couple church communities and a community of people who were following a call. There were deep and powerful bonds for me with each group.

My formation group was such a community. We were together for about 4 years. We explored our calls together..we learned together.. we worshiped together... we experienced upheaval and loss together as a group... as a community.

We had dissimilar backgrounds but we had a common goal.

My first experience with all of them was one that was memorable for me in so far as I felt so totally out of place and unconnected to the lot of them. Only one did I feel any kind of connection to and I was not sure if it was the fact that she " came to my rescue" or that I admired her no nonsense strength ..and her sense of style..loved that too. No matter, whatever it was a bond was forming and so began my entrance into this community of would be clergy.

It was a most interesting and cherished journey.

While going through that, I also was part of two really lovely church communities.

One was my home parish..Trinity Seneca Falls. They were my first true community. A group of wonderful people who literally nursed me back to health both physical and spiritual. I weighed a whopping 85 lbs when I started going there. I went because i felt called..I went because I figured i was dying and it would be nice to have a place to have a funeral..I went because I thought then and still think now It is one of the most beautiful churches you can see in this part of the world.

I went and they embraced me and they prayed for me and they watched as I got stronger and they supported my growth and they supported my call. They were my sponsoring parish and I was deeply and profoundly sad to leave them as my time came to enter into internships.

But leave them I did, never expecting that I would find another church that I would fit into as well as completely as totally... but I did.

St. Johns Marcellus was my home for a year and a half. It was there I learned that I loved to preach..I learned about all the duties of a Deacon..I learned that being "clergy" requires more than a love and faith in God. They were and are wonderful people with good hearts who despite occasional individual differences..love and work together. I was sincerely heartbroken when it was time for me to leave. To this day I profoundly miss them.

I have defined myself for the last year or better as a Homeless Episcopalian.

I have said that I am Deacon of the Church of Messy Lives. I believe both to be true.

I was not ordained because life got in the way.

It has not for one second quieted the call I hear.

The fact that I have found it impossible to be a part of any church, and especially the Episcopal Church is.. I believe.. something that i am to work through. It has brought me to my knees more times than I care to admit and yet faith and call remain stronger than ever.

I now believe that my call is to the community of Jesus and to the community of those who do not fit the prescribed molds. It is what I do everyday at work and it is my very distinct and personal call.

Eventually I will find a church community again. I have gone a couple times to St. James Skaneteles lately and I find some measure of comfort there but...

In the meantime...I pray...I read.. I write...I make food baskets.. I listen to stories... and I search for where I feel God is calling me.

Today, in the bulletin at St James, there was this quote by Alexander Graham Bell

" When one door closes another one opens; but we often look so long and so regretfully at the closed door we do not see the one that has opened for us."

Message received Lord..message received.

Amen