Right from the get go it is a trap designed to make you feel inferior and unloved.
As a child in grade school I would make the valentine "mailboxes" tape them to my desk and worry.
First, I worried because my mailbox was always messy...there were glue spots and nothing ever stayed where it was supposed to stay..the stupid hearts would slide off onto the floor and some kid would step on it and hand it back to me with a foot print on it.
Yes... ever since I was 6... I was sporting footprints on my heart.
Mostly i worried that nobody was going to give me a valentine or that if they did give me one it would obviously be one of the leftovers that their mom made them give out to "be nice".
Even back then kids were told to give one to everyone in the classroom but that didn't always happen.
There were ways around that whole thing and everyone knew it. For example you get one that was meant for a boy and had something like a stupid cowboy on it or an astronaut. If another girl gives you an astronaut you know that means" you are nothing to me and my mom made me give one to everyone." Sigh... I got a lot of cowboys and astronauts.
Which was better than not getting one at all. There was one girl in my class who would always say in her little sing songy voice " oh I ran out of cards and your a V so I didn't have one for you" Liar. I happen to have had the exact same box and I know there was 36 in a box and there are only 30 in our classroom.
However, it wasn't just getting the valentines that was a problem it was the giving of them that was an issue. I would agonize over who got what card. Would they know that the card means I like you but not I LIKE you LIKE you... I was very worried that I would end up with a bunch of boys thinking I LIKED them when indeed I merely tolerated them and I most certainly did not want them thinking I wanted to be their girlfriend. In addition, I also always had one boy that I did actually LIKE LIKE and I wanted him to sort of know but not really know and all of this makes the card selection from a box of 36 cartoon characters a very difficult task.
Can't give out stupid valentines...can't give out babyish valentines...can't give out old lady valentines and you sure as shit better not hand make them! My poor mom suggested we do that one year and I threw a fit to end all fits. It screamed poor kid and besides as previously mentioned I was not exactly "crafty".
I figure that the whole grade school valentine debacle was merely designed to get you in training for the more profound disappointments in the years to come.
It was during my teen year that I really got familiar with the Valentine trap.
It was the 70's... during which I spent much of my time in jeans and talked a lot about what we called back in the day "women's lib".
I was for it and Valentines day was meant to keep women subservient to a man. Giving a woman flowers and a mushy card or a box of candy or the stuffed animal with a big old red heart was a trap..a ploy..a way of clouding our mind and eyes to the realities of inequality.
Oh I really talked the talk.
During that time I had an on and off boyfriend. This guy was not a mushy kind of guy and we talked (well I talked, he listened ) about how it was a plot by ""the establishment to keep women down.
Brother, Talk about screwing yourself!
So while I was in my room writing tortured poetry, plotting government overthrow, and listening to Bob Dylan ,my boyfriend was free to totally ignore the day. He also managed to ignore my Birthday, Christmas and any other event that meant he might have to spend some cash but that's another story.
The year I was 16... he did stick a card in the paper box in front of our house. I found it the next day.It was kind of frozen in the envelope and kind of ripped when I opened it.
It had a cupid on the front of it that and inside it said " valentine..my heart gets jumbly , my words get mumbly..when you are near. "
I was surprised...I was flattered..I was confused...most of all I was...HAPPY!
I did like all this valentine mushy stuff..sound the freakin alarms..I want candy ...I want flowers..heck I will even break out a red dress and shoes...just give me more of THAT.
I still have the card today...39 years later.
You would have thought that I had learned a lesson from this revelation/
Well you would be wrong.
For years and years as soon as all the pink and red candy heart boxes show up in the stores and the advertisements for flowers..jewelry.. and candy engulf us..I would say over and over to husband number 1 +2 how it is a manufactures event. It is designed to make companies rich and that I do not need a holiday for some man to tell me they love me.
Which it is.
Which I don't.
Which is something that many women say once they are settled with a man.
What we don't say is...that knowing all that...WE STILL WANT IT!!
Listen carefully all my new son-in-laws and my son...if you have never paid attention to a single word I have ever said listen...
To all men in general...
It is good advice so you might want to write it down..." if your wife/partner says they do not want anything for Valentines day..that they do not need it...that it is stupid...
DO NOT BELIEVE THEM.
IT IS A LIE.
IT IS A TRAP.
We all want stuff.
We want the flowers at the work...because the office is just another 3rd grade classroom on that day. Whoever has the biggest..best..most stuff on their desk...WINS.
If we are not at work we want them at home.
It means somebody...who is not a thoughtless lug...loves us.
It means their is still a little bit of romance out there.
We want the grand gesture
If you take them to dinner on "the day" its even better. Sure it will be less crowded a day or two before..or a day or two after..and probably cheaper..but it Won't be Valentines Day and by God that is the day we really want to be taken out.
Now if you are a good cook and can make a great romantic ( no kids) dinner that is our favorite
( not yours ) and clean up the mess( very important) and can make the table look pretty
( no paper plates ) then you can also cook for us at home. It is acceptable especially on a work night.
We want romance and we want pampering and ( here is the kicker) those of us who protest the most..want it the most!
Those are the women who sadly expect a man to "just know"
I am here to tell you ladies that is an extremely dangerous and self defeating game..they don't know unless we tell them..and they sure don't know if we tell them its Okay to ignore it...they believe us. Silly Silly men..they believe us.
The advertisements do us all great harm..it is a set up..I was right as a teen..but it is what it is.
Nobody ever said being in Love is easy. It takes work. It takes learning the rules..even the unspoken ones.. Actually, especially the unspoken ones.
Now, my plans for this year is to play " Love Stinks" over and over while eating the box of chocolate I bought myself and drinking my favorite wine. The rest of you get busy. Men there is still time to do it right and women there is still time to make your needs known!
Good Luck and Happy Valentines Day!
Diane,
ReplyDeleteGlad you are choosing your own chocolates and your own wine! You've got it right! Enjoy Valentine's Day -
Dorothy