When we fall in love our brain isn't really involved.
Well, think about it... we "FALL" in love. We do not step gingerly..we do not walk....we do not even run..its a freaking FALL.
If, by some chance our brain is involved at all then chances are it is not that gut twisting, moon eyed, can't get enough of you, kind of feeling.
Falling in Love is rarely rational.
People do some seriously crazy stuff for love.
Seriously. Think Romeo and Juliet...Maria and Tony( okay I know that's the same)...Elizabeth Taylor and Richard Burton...twice...
See its not always easy to maintain that level of crazy.
It often ends badly.
It often...well... ends.
The trick is maintaining it.
Which judging by the 51% divorce rate is not easy.
Yet, some people do just that.
I am sure you know some couple that have been together for 50+ years and still do lovey things..still look happy and goofy when they catch sight of their love.
They make it look easy.
There was a couple at church that were together for over 50 years. He was 3 years younger than her and he told me that the first time he saw her he was 14, they were at a church dance and he fell in love instantly. She said she saw him and thought well now I have to wait for that boy to grow up a little.
Bruce and Mary.
Mary also told me that in all their years together they had never had a fight, not one. Ever.
Which seems really hard to believe. Over 50 years with the same person and no fighting?
I asked Bruce how that could be and he said" well she rarely does anything I don't agree with."
So I asked and if she does?
He said..."I take a walk. I take a walk until I am no longer mad...sometimes its a long walk."
That's what all marriages need at times... a long walk.
I just got back from my walk. It was 17 months long.
So what did I learn during my walk?...I learned several things...I am pretty good with being on my own...the husband is not.
He did unspeakable things to the house in a relatively short period of time. Who doesn't know about dusting?? Or that you really need to clean the top of the stove once in awhile...or at least once.
Actually, I learned more important things than the fact that the man is kind of a Hobo...I already knew that.
I learned I can hold a grudge...a long long time.
I learned that forgiveness is a whole lot easier to preach about than to actually practice.
I used to preach really well about forgiveness and redemption...but as my friend Lynn's grandma used to say" its easy to be an angel when nobody ruffles your feathers."
My feathers were seriously ruffled and I wanted to make sure that NOBODY forgot it...evidently most of all me.
So, I replayed all that went wrong and did some wallowing and fretting and I decided how it should have gone down and I absolved myself from any wrong doing.
I became the innocent victim in my very own tale of woe.
So what did that accomplish? Well, it made me very self righteous. Yes indeed, righteous indignation that's a good substitute for love.
It also solves virtually nothing.
I learned that having an angry and a vindictive spirit is like being mired in the mud. The longer you are in it the harder it is to get out.
I learned...being "right" isn't actually as important as being happy.
My therapist told me that a very long time ago...like the first time I saw her...but some things can't be heard... they need to be felt.
I learned that connecting...really connecting on all levels with someone...is something that few people are lucky enough to have.
It is rare and it should be held in high regard.
I learned that we all have our own unique dysfunctions that we bring to a relationship. It is both the challenge and the interest in a good relationship.
As the song goes " there is a secret passage and a toll that is due...there are parts of me that are missing and parts of you."
But the most important thing that I learned was that I love my husband enough to put up with
( as my mother-in-law would so delicately put it) "the shit and the string beans" and that makes my very long walk worth every step.
I
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