Check Please! Or my year on Match.com...

Okay... it was not what one would call a success. I mean if the goal was to meet someone and have a connection be it a friendship or as they like to say in the profiles"something more". It was not.

First... let me say that most people are not on this thing to make friends no matter how much they say that it is an option. Its really not.

Nope, most fall into one of two categories.

Category 1...They are looking for the last great love of their life. They sincerely hope this person can be found through Internet dating.

Category 2..they are looking not to die alone. Now of course I can only speak for my age group...but there are a whole lot of people who are in this group.

Betcha thought I was going to say people looking for sex..that appears not to be the case..again not in my age group..unless we are being courted by youngsters.

But I digress and we will get on to the 29 year olds..I promise.

Dating in your mid 50's has a certain amount of yuck to it anyway. I mean most of us are just to flippin tired to be bothered most nights. There is a lot of work in dating and most of us just don't have the stamina anymore.

The profiles that guys put up crack me up. I have never in my life realised that so many men are interested in "cuddling on the couch" or walking on a moonlit beach".

I also was unaware that so many men are hanging out either in local bars in their jeans or dressing up for those"black tie" affairs. Who knew that central New York had all those black tie affairs and not to stereotype but in Clyde and Port Byron? Doubt it.

So about the guys.

Well, the very best quote that I have ever heard anyone say about online dating was by a woman who is dating a friend of mine. I would love to take credit for it but..

She said " Do you remember the Flintstones cartoon from when we were kids and do you remember Mr Slate? Every guy I date looks like Mr. Slate. I'd settle for Fred or Barney but all I get is Mr. Slate."

Oh... I hear ya sista ,I hear ya.

I have discovered that men have no idea what they look like. They have no problem putting a picture up that is 15 or 20 years old and I figure it must be that is what they see when they look in the mirror.

Well, its either that or they are all under the mistaken impression that I am blind, stupid and desperate or all of the above. Seriously guys, I am going to realize that you no longer have hair and that you have gained 25 lbs. So..why bother with false advertising. It really gets the date off to a bad start. When you walk in that room and you are looking and looking and then you see someone who looks like the dad or much older brother of the guy you are expecting..it is a bad sign for things to come.

Also... for whatever reason, some guys seem to feel that it is Okay to check me out from top to bottom like they are buying a horse. I have had dates where I half expected the guy to open my mouth and count my teeth.

And, it really is not Okay to say" Wow I bet you were a looker when you were younger" Not a compliment and for the record..I think I look better now!

I went on a number of first dates..very few second dates and even fewer third dates.

So lets look at the year in review.

On my very first date after having coffee in a Tim Hortons for less than an hour he says to me

"where do you see this relationship going?"

I thought he was kidding so I said" well my part of the "relationship" (and yes, I used air quotes) is going home.

Turns out he wasn't kidding and he said to me that he did not feel I could be a" serious life partner". Got that right buddy. So no second date.

Took me awhile to get back on the horse after that but I did and the next date was one of those where I walked into the restaurant and saw a man who was for sure a good 15 years older than he had said and he already had professed to being older than i figured on dating.

So my calculations are that he was about my dads age... mid 70's.

His first words to me" You are not dressed appropriately for the weather"

First words to me. My first words should have been goodbye but I am polite..(well I was polite not sure i am anymore)..anyway we continued with what may have been the fastest meal ever eaten at the Sherwood.

He criticised my choice of foods ( not enough protein)..my clothing ( not weather appropriate) .. my number of children ( too many)and my work( too altruistic).

He then insisted we walk before I get in my car as digestion works better with walks after meals.

I walked faster than i have ever walked in heels..I was a freakin marathon runner. Run Diane Run!

Check Please!!

Okay, so again I become somewhat gun shy but then i decided like the ad says" Just do it"

So i did.i became a serial dater. if they asked i went.

I went so often to Parker's in Auburn that my kids were worried that the staff would start thinking i was a hooker.

Some highlights: The guy who spent the first 15 minutes of our date telling me how much he hated his ex. While telling me this he grew red in the face and took a bottle of hot sauce pretended it was a car and showed me how he would love to drive back and forth over her again and again.

Nice

So I say " I detect a bit of unresolved hostility" And he says to me.." I am a nice guy but that bitch deserves to die." Alrighty then..Check please!

Then we have the musician who seemed okay..decent music..sweet..not the sharpest tool in the shed but..nice enough and we had one semi date ( he was playing) and then he invites me to where he is playing again and since it was home territory( Parker's) I figure why not. So I go and I am sitting next to a woman about my age and I am watching him play and this younger woman kind of dancing along with him and I realise that she is also his date and at the same time the woman next to me realizes the same thing. This guy was covering his bases. Three women..well who knows maybe more..

Check Please!!

Then there are the young guys. The guys who for whatever reason are attracted to women my age. Could be that whole cougar thing. Could be unresolved mom issues. The truth is I just couldn't bring myself to actually date them.

Online flirtations worked but when it came down to it..couldn't date guys that were younger than some of the clothes I own.

There needs to be some sort of a marker in ones life. Evidently that's mine.Who knew!

There was the guy that I had a successful date 1 and 2 and then when on date three I said I would not go to his apartment..he became very condescending and hostile he told me I was " not confident in my womanhood"

Nope..don't think thats it...

There was the guy I caught taking the tip I left for the waitress and when I called him on it he said" nobody tips me for doing my job" I told him in no uncertain terms what a jackass i thought he was and I grabbed my money( note my money) and put it in our waitresses hand. Check please!

There was the guy with the disgusting long fingernails..also way older than he said... who told me right away that I was " good enough to do" YECKKKK!!!

Check please!!!!!!

So one year..lots of dates...learning the Parkers menu well enough to work there...and while not a success...

I did get lots of stories and that may just be what it was all about for me anyway.

Because its always about the story.

the perfect pie crust~

Making a truly excellent pie crust is an art form. It is not done distractedly or haphazardly or without intent. Good pie crust makers have patience. They have the understanding that even when you do every thing the same way..sometimes it just doesn't work out...and they do not hold that against the process or the pie.

My mother was an excellent pie maker. Although she made them all year round the day before Thanksgiving was her "Superbowl of pie making days" There was always 2 pumpkin. 1 cherry 1 apple, 1 apple crumb ( or crummy apple as she would call it) 1 mince and my favorite...pecan.

I would wake up the day before Thanksgiving and the process would already be underway...unlike when I bake, the kitchen remained amazingly neat considering all that flour that was flying around. Oh sure occasionally you might see a little flour on her apron( she always wore an apron) or perhaps her cheek but by and large it was an orderly endeavor.

I was extremely fortunate to be taught this process. As a very little girl I learned the secrets of good crust making... proper temperature of the water( cold)...How to add the water...

( a slow steady stop and go stream)...the affect of temperature and humidity on a pie crust, and

how to handle the crust..not too much or too little.. and finally proper rolling techniques...flatten with your hand and the quick short rolls in each directions.

Like I said, it is an art form.

Its interesting what the mind holds on to. For the last couple years I have found myself only dealing with what is and not what was. I dealt with all the day to day duties and responsibilities that happen when you have a loved one who has dementia. As sometimes happens In my effort to caretake I had to let go of my mother.

Recently I feared that I had lost all memories of the woman who was my mom. I really thought they were gone.

Two weeks ago I could barely remember that she made pies let alone the exact sequence.

Today ...I can hear her singing as she gathers her ingredients..I see the big yellow mixing bowl..I can feel the heat in the kitchen and I watch as the windows steam up...the wire are sitting on the kitchen table waiting for the pies as they get brought out of the oven...and then there are the pies... the amazing aroma as they cook in the oven and then their golden crusts and lovingly cut out designs or faces on them...

The nice elderly woman with dementia that I have been dealing with for the last several is gone and in her place I have found that my mom is back.

The pie making..piano playing..garden tending..party planning..storytelling...bookworm..lipstick wearing..jewelry loving...card playing...crossword puzzle expert..game show watching...walking partner...avon loving...sister..wife..mother..and grandmother is back.

And I have missed her and will not forget her again.

The Room of the Dead...

We all have one. ..A Room of the Dead that is.

It is a phrase I heard while listening to "The Dangerous Old Woman"Myths and Stories of the wise woman archetype by Clarissa Pinkola Estes, PhD.

I have loved this whole series of stories. Actually more than loved it..found it invaluable. Not a word I throw around too much.

So back to the room of the dead, it is described as the room we all have that is filled with all the things that are not good for us..or that are no longer good for us...perhaps, once upon a time they may have been but now.. they are not.

The room can be filled with people. It can be filled with our own self doubt and denigration.

It can also be filled with concepts that drag us down...things like:

Behave or Be A Good Girl Or Be A Nice Girl.

Now in and of themselves these are not actually bad things but nine times out of ten what they really mean is "Don't be yourself. Don't be full of life...Don't question my authority..Do what I want...Think what I think."

I am 55 years old and this very summer i had a man say to me " Be A Good Girl".

Seriously and at that moment I thought: Thats it , I am freaking done being a good girl.

I no longer feel the need to conform to any ones idea of what being good..or a girl..or a woman..is...ever again.

TA DA!! Wretched situation that gave me a much needed wakeup.

That stuff is all in my room of the dead.

It is pretty packed in there. Which is how it should be at this point in my life. If it were empty it would mean I still do not recognize that which is toxic for me.

People need to know this.

People should be cautious. Not frightened.. cautious.. huge difference.

Fright holds you back but caution keeps you awake.

We all need to stay awake. It is when we get drowsy that we are prone to make all sorts of mistakes..again and again. When we get tired we forget all the reasons something didn't work the first 85 times we did it.

And then, well then, we do it again.

You know all those things we really want but know in our heart of hearts are not going to work for us.. a job.. a relationship... All the things that end up being blood sucking and life draining instead of life giving. Its all there and when we start to get tired we convince ourselves that this time it will work.

Recently, I had a good friend talk to me about an opportunity that she has to do something that she wants to do very very much. Something that should be a wonderful fit for her.. Something she and I know she would be great at.

However, the problem is she was offered this very opportunity a few months prior and she turned it down because she knew it was going to suck the blood right out of her.

Now those are my words but the point is she knew it was not, as presented, going to work. No matter how much she wanted it... as it was... it was not going to work.

So... she turned it down and she was very very sad about it. It was a huge loss.

So here it is held up to her again. Over the last few months she has realised how much she really wanted it.

So the question is has anything changed? Is there any reason to believe it will work now other than the fact that she wants it to?

I think that is one of the hardest things to leave in the Room of the Dead...the things we really really want. The things we believe should work...if..if something...were different.

I have no idea what my friend will do. It is quite possible that she will bring this out of the room. If she does i will pray for her that she stays awake.. and aware and if it doesn't work that she without hesitation shut it right back up her Room of the Dead.

After all the door has handles on both sides for that very reason.

God does not give you more than you can handle...

Sorry to my youngest and very intuitive and introspective child...he actually has nothing to do with the sh@*t that comes our way.

Not my theology anyway.

See a loving.. a just God would not be a testing god.

That to me is more like a a God with a big fu*king mean streak.

An Eddie Haskell type God. You know..all sweet and helpful when people are looking but when somebodies guard is down..bam! the nasty trick hits them.

Yeah... not my kind of guy.

I think when people say this what they actually mean is that by your faith in God you can handle all the crap that comes running though your life.

That I can get my head around.

Today I threatened to have a nervous breakdown. I was not kidding ...I actually meant it for a minute. I actually felt it for more than a minute.

Having parents with dementia can really really make you feel like you too are not in your right mind.

Now my mom, she is just..in a word..."shot..or gone". Take your pick.

Not medical terms..not nice terms..but it completely sums up the reality of the situation. My mother does not exist any longer. Oh there are little tiny glimpses every once in awhile but mostly this is not someone I know and she most certainly does not know me.

That is an Eddie Haskell type of joke..trading in your loved one for someone you can not recognise... even slightly.

Then there is the fact that i have two of them with it.

My dad is to the stage where he obsesses constantly and continually about odd things. So much so that at times it takes every once of strength in me not to scream at him.." SHUT UP" Just please shut up.. So far..I haven't done it. So far I have held out and answered the question..the same question..over and over exactly the same way.

Today's obsession was about a reverse mortgage and if it is the thing for him to do..and where his SU hat was. His orange SU hat.. I did not know. I still do not know but I can pretty much put money on the fact that soon... very soon he will call me and once again he will say to me

"Diane..do you know where my SU hat is..the orange one?.."

Once again I will answer "no..No I do not".

Then he will say" oh I thought maybe you did."

See God would not give me two parents with this just to see how the heck I would do..how long it would take to crack.

Eddie Haskell yes..God No.

So what exactly does God give me? He didn't give me parents with dementia..he didn't give me a broken marriage..he didn't give me financial stress.. he didn't give me my laundry list of health problems..or my grand daughter with hearing problems or my daughter with health problems.

He did not. It was not... it is not a test.

How long before you "cry uncle: is not what the Great Spirit is looking for.

He gives us all something different. He gave me a great sense of humor..most days I can find humor in virtually any situation.

He gave me wonderful children and friends who listen to me when i

say "excuse me...nervous breakdown in the works"

He gave me the knowledge that life is short..love is good..and that it does not stop..even when the person you love does not appear to be the person you have loved for years...or when they are "shot or gone or really gone" life continues..love continues.

He gave me a strong sense of faith. Faith in my ability to withstand what life throws at me because I believe in the redemptive powers of his love.

So yes Emily..just flip it around a bit and you have it...God gives us the ability to handle whatever cruel cosmic joke lands at our feet. By his love we can withstand it all. That is the part to always hold on to.

Oh and he gave me you to remind me of it...

Amen

You can't always get what you want...

And sometimes you really can't get what you need.

Now, a prime example of that would be the New York State budget 2010. I mean can you find....anywhere... a better example of poor administration...ineffective government...and last but certainly not least...the complete lack of understanding or caring for poor and middle income New Yorkers.
I have watched this ridiculous debacle as it played itself out and found that at times i have been so angry that it is almost amusing.

The budget cuts that the Governor has been so excited about did not affect Wall Street and the rich. They did however create more hardships for those who can least afford them.
There are over 800,000 unemployed people in the state...not a lot of new jobs created during this 4 month political agenda game. Seems like they might have come up with something a little better during all that time.
But they didn't.

Then lets take a look at the 1.2 billion dollars that was given over the last and the current budget cycles from the federal government that was meant for welfare programs and job creations.
1.2 BILLION DOLLARS... that my friends is a whole lot of cash.

However, Gov Patterson and the gang decided to spend less than 7% on jobs.
This year... during this time of 800,000 unemployed.... they decided it would be a good idea to use only 15 million of the 638 million that was available.

See, now if i was the feds I would want a little explaining done about that but alas, i doubt that is on any ones radar...because...heres the thing...poor people and middle class... not really on any of their radars.
Yep, I said it...they don't actually care.
They only care when they are campaigning...poor people make good great photo ops. Food pantries and Thanksgiving and some politician rolling up their sleeves and dishing out a turkey dinner...that's when they care and that's when they think about it.

Cynical Cynical Diane...for shame. ):

Okay, I believe that individually if they got to know someone and they realised that the person was struggling they would jump in and try to help and care, but on a larger scale they have no frame of reference and cannot even conceive of the real issues.

They can't understand worrying about food for your kids...no idea about having 5 kids and your gas and electric shut off...don't understand about taking your kids and living in tent or cabin at camp grounds until it is too cold to continue...no clue about getting food and clothes at a food pantry and no idea about the hopelessness that exists when there are just no jobs and the unemployment has run out.

Now some of that money went to existing welfare programs and some went to a Childcare
but
...a whole flippin bunch...was simply diverted to use as fiscal relief. NICE.
And not for nothing..that childcare money would be even better if there were any freaking jobs for someone to actually work at!!!

So what to do what to do...
Well I am glad you asked...

We need an overhaul in government... both parties... a complete overhaul.

We need to pay attention and we need to speak up and we need to vote and we need to lobby.

If Albany or Washington isn't listening we need to get their attention.
Get new people in office.
Get people registered to vote and make sure they are informed.
Most of all we need to stop sitting on our collective asses and hoping one person will save us.
We Americans have been lazy and complacent and this is where we are... in a mess that only grows worse each year.

So No.... you can't always get what you want and you can only get what you need if you work for it.
Lets all work for it.

Oh that 21st century church...

Lest I be criticized for beating a dead horse...this is not the same thing. Okay, kind of the same with a few differences. First... I am reacting to something recent that has happened that has nothing to do with me. Second... I have decided that part of my call, a big part is speak up when things strike me as odd, insincere, or just plain wrong.

Which is where I find this recent issue..in the just plain wrong category.

I believe it is wrong on a couple levels...wrong as it is not right and wrong it is not in keeping with what the Diocese of Central New York claims to be about.

The Messenger( Diocesan newsletter) came out recently and it had something in it that struck me as so completely incongruous with the "mission" of the Diocese that I couldn't actually believe it was there.

" All Deacon Ordinations will be held at the Cathedral" Say what??

I get the whys. They are hoping to showcase the Cathedral... and want people throughout the diocese to go there.

I would feel that for some ordinations it may be perfectly appropriate. However, in keeping with the mission of the Diocese and stated desire to live out a vision of 21st century thinking I believe they have seriously missed the boat.

If I had been ordained as a Deacon I would not want my ordination to be there. I would want to be where I serve. I had every intention of getting ordained right at The House of Concern in Seneca Falls. The place that raised me up, the place I serve. The people that I would want at my ordination would not have a way to make it to The Cathedral and even if someone arranged transportation few of them would go. The ones with no proper clothes to wear, the ones who feel uncomfortable in any kind of formal setting let alone a church, the least, the last and the lost. Those folks won't go to the Cathedral.

Those folks can't be made to go... so once again they are left out.

The church is being elitist again.

The celebration of a new minister in the church is not supposed to be a party for the other members of the club.

A Deacon is called to serve. To serve...not to preen and immediately turn their backs on the people they are serving.

The cathedral is beautiful. I am sure any ceremonies would be quite lovely. It may be a perfectly appropriate place for some to be ordained...it may be the very last place that others should be.

The Episcopal Church keeps wondering and wringing their hands " oh what can we do to get people to come to us?" I think the first thing, at least for this diocese, is to decide what they really want. This whole 21st century thing...what do they really mean by it.

Are we willing to accept the very fact that a church is not just a building, that church is not even the important thing? The Gospel is the important part. When trying to spread the Gospel sometimes you need to move. You go to the people where they are, you do not expect them to come to you. Most aren't going to come. We welcome them to Jesus, we open our heart to them and if they want to come though our doors we welcome them and if they do not...if they do not... WE STILL WELCOME THEM.

Jesus came to us. His disciples came to us. They did not build a freaking cathedral and expect the beggars and the thieves , the sick, the unwashed to find them.

It was not the way then and it is not the way now.

Watching Amanda Grow...

There was a song back in the early 70's called 'Watching Scotty Grow' by Bobby Goldsboro and it was kind of awful. Well, i thought it was awful. It was a huge hit and so I am guessing somebody liked it a lot and probably made the guy a bunch of money.

Which is not the point of my story at all except that every time I look at my beautiful daughter and her growing belly the refrain of that song keeps playing in my head " I'm just sitting here watching Scotty Grow". Except that by now i have changed it in my head to "Amanda grow."

Being the mother of a pregnant daughter is quite an experience. I have been completely fascinated by every moment of her pregnancy. I have worried when she has worried and worried when she has not worried, I have been delighted watching her growing belly. I have day dreamed about the baby and what she will look like ( yes I said she but give me a moment and I will say he) and what she will be accomplished at. I daydream about first steps, first words, first day of school. I also get to daydream about my role... I will be the cheerleader, the defender, the one who will always be in this child's corner. Some people call it spoiling...

Nonsense.

I just tell them it is in the grandma handbook. Trevor has heard about the grandma handbook... his soon to be bride, Laura, knows it exists and they also know I make it up as I go.

Amanda and Brian will know it soon enough.

I have had a fascination with being a grandma that I honestly did not have for being a mom. I have decided that it has to do with the fact that i never had one. My parents parents were dead long before I was born. I was always quite envious of those who did have them.

My cousins had their grandma Laura who always smelled of lilacs and carried a handkechief that had embroidery on it. She baked cookies, she sat in rocker and she was big and comforting looking. Her house looked and smelled unlike any other house. It looked like a gingerbread house and there were all sorts of interesting things in the house. She made beautiful blankets for babies. She was also an artist that was not as typical for the time but she did it.

There was my friend Lynn who had Grandma Deacy and Grandma O'Hearn. Two grandmas and one of them even lived with her for awhile! One of my favorite sayings came from Grandma Deacy " Poor excuse is better than none" Even at a young age I knew that she did not really mean that a poor excuse was a good thing..and that it would be a saying I would want to remember and use some day...and I have.

So I had some Grandma envy.

Which makes the whole thing so fun for me now.

Because this is the thing about the grandmother hand book you write it a little different for each child and their parent.

Blaze was my first grandchild. It was hard for me to know my place. That boy has had grandmas everywhere. Both his mom...Sheena ...my stepdaughter... and his dad had parents who had been divorced and remarried and they also had their parents parents around. Grandmas everywhere. So I waited to see how much help was needed...what my role was... I worried for awhile that he would feel that every woman who was older than his mom was his grandma. He seems to have been able to figure it out nicely. So I have watched him grow...delighted in him and in his wonderful mother. I have watched them both grow.

Then there was my Maggie...

whose very existence I am pretty sure I felt before either of her parents.

Again... I waited, where is my place... this is not my daughter, what does she want, what will her mom want, and what does my son i want.

It was a dicey situation that has turned out the very way I had prayed for it to over and over for the four of them.

My role,

I worry, i spoil ,I love, and I watch them grow.

So now we have Amanda in the countdown. She and Brian have decided not to find out the sex of the baby. Everyone says boy and I am fine with that but... I have had girl on the brain along with a birth date of July 15th.

I am not the grandma that I fantasied being.

I do not wear house dresses, although I do fancy dresses these days. My perfume is Euphoria... I don't knit..hell I don't even sew buttons and have been know to scotch tape my hems...I used to bake but not so much anymore...I am separated and gone back into the dating world.

In my daydreams I would not have been a match.com grandma.

But like the handbook itself ...Grandmas change.

What does not change is how much I look forward to this and all grandchildren.

I love this baby completely already.

My arms are ready to hold and rock. I can almost feel the child there already and smell that new baby smell.

I watch my beautiful girl grow, I rub her belly,and I talk to my newest grandchild and I say see you soon little one, Mema is waiting...waiting to watch you grow.