Check Please! Or my year on Match.com...

Okay... it was not what one would call a success. I mean if the goal was to meet someone and have a connection be it a friendship or as they like to say in the profiles"something more". It was not.

First... let me say that most people are not on this thing to make friends no matter how much they say that it is an option. Its really not.

Nope, most fall into one of two categories.

Category 1...They are looking for the last great love of their life. They sincerely hope this person can be found through Internet dating.

Category 2..they are looking not to die alone. Now of course I can only speak for my age group...but there are a whole lot of people who are in this group.

Betcha thought I was going to say people looking for sex..that appears not to be the case..again not in my age group..unless we are being courted by youngsters.

But I digress and we will get on to the 29 year olds..I promise.

Dating in your mid 50's has a certain amount of yuck to it anyway. I mean most of us are just to flippin tired to be bothered most nights. There is a lot of work in dating and most of us just don't have the stamina anymore.

The profiles that guys put up crack me up. I have never in my life realised that so many men are interested in "cuddling on the couch" or walking on a moonlit beach".

I also was unaware that so many men are hanging out either in local bars in their jeans or dressing up for those"black tie" affairs. Who knew that central New York had all those black tie affairs and not to stereotype but in Clyde and Port Byron? Doubt it.

So about the guys.

Well, the very best quote that I have ever heard anyone say about online dating was by a woman who is dating a friend of mine. I would love to take credit for it but..

She said " Do you remember the Flintstones cartoon from when we were kids and do you remember Mr Slate? Every guy I date looks like Mr. Slate. I'd settle for Fred or Barney but all I get is Mr. Slate."

Oh... I hear ya sista ,I hear ya.

I have discovered that men have no idea what they look like. They have no problem putting a picture up that is 15 or 20 years old and I figure it must be that is what they see when they look in the mirror.

Well, its either that or they are all under the mistaken impression that I am blind, stupid and desperate or all of the above. Seriously guys, I am going to realize that you no longer have hair and that you have gained 25 lbs. So..why bother with false advertising. It really gets the date off to a bad start. When you walk in that room and you are looking and looking and then you see someone who looks like the dad or much older brother of the guy you are expecting..it is a bad sign for things to come.

Also... for whatever reason, some guys seem to feel that it is Okay to check me out from top to bottom like they are buying a horse. I have had dates where I half expected the guy to open my mouth and count my teeth.

And, it really is not Okay to say" Wow I bet you were a looker when you were younger" Not a compliment and for the record..I think I look better now!

I went on a number of first dates..very few second dates and even fewer third dates.

So lets look at the year in review.

On my very first date after having coffee in a Tim Hortons for less than an hour he says to me

"where do you see this relationship going?"

I thought he was kidding so I said" well my part of the "relationship" (and yes, I used air quotes) is going home.

Turns out he wasn't kidding and he said to me that he did not feel I could be a" serious life partner". Got that right buddy. So no second date.

Took me awhile to get back on the horse after that but I did and the next date was one of those where I walked into the restaurant and saw a man who was for sure a good 15 years older than he had said and he already had professed to being older than i figured on dating.

So my calculations are that he was about my dads age... mid 70's.

His first words to me" You are not dressed appropriately for the weather"

First words to me. My first words should have been goodbye but I am polite..(well I was polite not sure i am anymore)..anyway we continued with what may have been the fastest meal ever eaten at the Sherwood.

He criticised my choice of foods ( not enough protein)..my clothing ( not weather appropriate) .. my number of children ( too many)and my work( too altruistic).

He then insisted we walk before I get in my car as digestion works better with walks after meals.

I walked faster than i have ever walked in heels..I was a freakin marathon runner. Run Diane Run!

Check Please!!

Okay, so again I become somewhat gun shy but then i decided like the ad says" Just do it"

So i did.i became a serial dater. if they asked i went.

I went so often to Parker's in Auburn that my kids were worried that the staff would start thinking i was a hooker.

Some highlights: The guy who spent the first 15 minutes of our date telling me how much he hated his ex. While telling me this he grew red in the face and took a bottle of hot sauce pretended it was a car and showed me how he would love to drive back and forth over her again and again.

Nice

So I say " I detect a bit of unresolved hostility" And he says to me.." I am a nice guy but that bitch deserves to die." Alrighty then..Check please!

Then we have the musician who seemed okay..decent music..sweet..not the sharpest tool in the shed but..nice enough and we had one semi date ( he was playing) and then he invites me to where he is playing again and since it was home territory( Parker's) I figure why not. So I go and I am sitting next to a woman about my age and I am watching him play and this younger woman kind of dancing along with him and I realise that she is also his date and at the same time the woman next to me realizes the same thing. This guy was covering his bases. Three women..well who knows maybe more..

Check Please!!

Then there are the young guys. The guys who for whatever reason are attracted to women my age. Could be that whole cougar thing. Could be unresolved mom issues. The truth is I just couldn't bring myself to actually date them.

Online flirtations worked but when it came down to it..couldn't date guys that were younger than some of the clothes I own.

There needs to be some sort of a marker in ones life. Evidently that's mine.Who knew!

There was the guy that I had a successful date 1 and 2 and then when on date three I said I would not go to his apartment..he became very condescending and hostile he told me I was " not confident in my womanhood"

Nope..don't think thats it...

There was the guy I caught taking the tip I left for the waitress and when I called him on it he said" nobody tips me for doing my job" I told him in no uncertain terms what a jackass i thought he was and I grabbed my money( note my money) and put it in our waitresses hand. Check please!

There was the guy with the disgusting long fingernails..also way older than he said... who told me right away that I was " good enough to do" YECKKKK!!!

Check please!!!!!!

So one year..lots of dates...learning the Parkers menu well enough to work there...and while not a success...

I did get lots of stories and that may just be what it was all about for me anyway.

Because its always about the story.