Good Bye 2009

Okay.... it has been a rough one that is for sure.

It has been a year that has left me weary and disillusioned.

As the song says...

My heart is battered and my soul is bruised.

It is not where I want to be but here I am and I suspect there is something for me to learn in all of it.

The betrayal of a man was easy. Not that I haven't grieved but it was not the first time that I have felt that sort of thing...first time in a long time, but not the same as the big disillusionment.

The loss of idealism is really hard. Now I guess bright women who are already 54 should not be allowed to be idealistic and if you are I guess that whatever happens is your own damn fault!

I really believed when i joined the Episcopal Church that it was a home for me. I thought that they meant "all are welcome" and I thought they were really looking for change... a way to connect to the people. It never occurred to me that it might not really be true.

Do not get me wrong I think they want it to be true but it is way easier to take your act on the road and embrace the people of El Salvador rather that have to deal daily with those right next to us who are in need. It is easier to surround yourself with yes men and women than to really embrace those who will tell you the truth. It is easier to concentrate on liturgy than messy lives.

The truth can be too messy and evidently the Episcopal church does not do messy.

They expect their clergy to be less than real people. They expect them to be... dare I say it... "Gods?" Messy lives... Real lives...They have no use for them.

Yet it has been my experience that part of what made me so very approachable to the people in the congregations that I served is the fact that I understand the lives they live. I have lived the life they live. I still am living that life. I know what it is like to have less than perfect lives. I am not perfect, my children not perfect, my husband not perfect. My life is sometimes hard and this year real hard.

However...

I do not believe that God, at any point, has forsaken me.

But I do believe that the Episcopal church did... on more than one occasion.

Maybe that is my lesson. My call is to God. My call is to Jesus.

My call is not to The Diocese of Central New York. My call not to Skip Adams.

Now lets be very clear... I wanted it to be. I spent 4 years and a whole lot of money that I did not have, to be ordained... I worked hard for what i believed in, for what I was called to... FOR Free...Deacons rarely get paid...

but my life was messy. My life did not fit their idea of clergy. I am not their idea of clergy.

I think it is probably good that all the disciples did not have to take psych evals and competency tests. i think it is good that all they had to do was "follow ". They may have not made it either!

My call may be to preach the Gospel everyday without needing the backing of any church.

I believe and I live a real life.

I live inside the church of Gray not black and white, no givens except ... you must love the Lord your God with all your heart and all your mind and all your soul. You must love your neighbor.

I guess that is really enough.

At the church of Gray all are truly welcome.

So now, 2010 almost here... what do I do?...

First and foremost I examine what to do with this call I still hear.

The Bishop may not hear it but it is still there and it will need to be answered.

That I am quite sure of.

Views on Faith from a homeless Episcopalian

Faith.

What is it? Who has it? And how the heck do you keep it in these most difficult times.

Today is the day when many of the churches are empty. Lots of folks did their "churchifying" on Christmas Eve or Christmas morning so to attend today just apparently does not seem necessary.

FYI...Churchifying is a made up word by the estranged husband but it certainly has a ring.

Ticket punched, magic words and elements that keep us in good with the big guy...all part of modern day religion but does that have anything to do with Faith?

Is faith about the church or solely about God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit? Is Faith about being part of the "right club" or is it about more than that.

What does having Faith mean?

Does it mean if we are faithful nothing bad will happen to us? Or is that a myth.?

Is it not a fact that those who have "bad" things happen to them are often looked upon as people who are not "doing it right?" People who are not faithful? I mean surely God will not hurt the faithful. Well, there was Job but that was then and this is now...right?

It has been my experience that you can have all the faith in the world and often all that will do is make you appear feeble minded to those who do not believe but see your struggles.

To believe, to have Faith even when life is good or at least not awful, is not easy.

There are many and is much that that tells us over and over that this is a foolish position to take.

To have faith when the world falls down around your ears and lands with a big fat thunk at your feet is really hard.

I have had a most difficult year. Illness, betrayal, financial problems, more illness, more betrayal, loss of a long time dream, death...it has been a rough one. I have lost faith in certain things. I have lost all faith in the Episcopal Diocese Of Central New York. I have lost faith in the Bishop. I have lost faith in many of the clergy.

I have lost faith in relationships and more often than I care to say in myself.

I have lost faith in organized religion.

I have not lost Faith in God. I have not lost Faith in Jesus. I have not lost faith in the Holy Spirit.

I do not know why that is.

I have a bumper sticker that says"Faith is not believing we know... it is knowing that we believe."

I lost much of what I thought that I was, a wife, a soon to be ordained Deacon, a member of a church community. Many mornings are hard to get out of bed.

But I do. I read a bit of scripture, i read something by Merton and when all else fails i repeat to myself the Merton prayer.

My Lord God I have no idea where I am going .

I do not see the road ahead of me.

I cannot know for certain where it will end.

Nor do i really know myself and the fact that i think i am following your will does not mean i am actually doing so.

But i believe that the desire to please you does indeed please you.

I hope that i have that desire in all that i am doing.

I hope that i will never do anything apart from that desire.

And I know that if I do this you will lead me by the right road, though I may know nothing about it.

Therefore i will trust you always though I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death.

I will not fear for you are ever with me, and you will never leave me to face my perils alone.

Faith.

It is not about The Episcopal Diocese. It is not about Lutherans, Catholics, Baptists. It is not about any group. It is ultimately about you and your God.

It is about what you do and who you are because you have Faith.

The Light shines in the Darkness and the Darkness does not overcome it.

Amen

Cookies, dates, and match.com

So there really were cookies in my mothers pants. It is not the sort of thing that anyone prepares you for. There was never a time that my mother, a proper librarian in the day, ever told me to expect this. I mean my mom was big on being prepared. She told me about men( well more or less and mostly less) she told me about money( do as i say not as i do) she told me how to shake someones hand upon meeting them( quite convinced it has gotten me many a job.) but she never said to me...." Diane there will come a day when you will spend much of your time taking food out of my pockets, from under my bed and yes even sometimes from my pants. I guess, in her defense, you don't ever think to say that.

For those of you who do not know my mom has Dementia. Full blown...don't know who you are...or as my dad used to say "does not know her ass from a hole in the ground".

Then just because the fates decided to see what i am made of... my Dad has Alzheimer's.

He still knows me but the short term memory is pretty much gone. Which makes for an interesting time with the two of them. Meals take a long time. Everything takes a long time.

Some days I start singing the "its 5:00 somewhere" song during breakfast. Well now do not judge...breakfast is long and between the thievery( she likes to take the silverware, and him the jelly...lots of jelly) and the occasional pointing out( loudly) how fat someone is, some breakfasts are long and thoughts turn to that nice bottle of wine that I have at home. Just thoughts so far.

Dating at 54 is interesting. Lots of guys my age look...old. Which indicates that I must look old too! I guess in some ways it is easier to meet people than in the past as there are things like match.com and E harmony. So you can see and get to know someone ( sort of) before the first meet. Of course they all cost money and being separated is already too expensive!

Match.com is the one that i chose. I actually used my Christmas money to give me 6 months. So we will see what happens. I know what i want. I want companionship. I want to go out. I do not want a relationship unless it is another friend. You really cannot have too many friends.

i need to be "in love" as much as I need another parent with Alzheimer's! YIKES!!!

So who is this blog for? Mostly me but if you have a parent or two with Dementia or Alzheimer's, could be for you. If you have 20 year relationship that is in the toilet..could be for you.

If you are a homeless Episcopalian... could be for you too.

More on that tomorrow.