I hear its your Birthday...its my birthday too

Ugh~ Okay that is so not the proper response...Yippee!!
But here is the thing..today I feel more ugh than yippee but mostly, most of the time it really is Yippee!!

I mean believe me, I, more than many, get the true value of a birthday.
This is because, when I was about 48 and a very insensitive doctor looked at me as we sat chit chatting about this that and the other thing and he said " well you won't have to worry about turning 50"
It was like a slap in the face and I thought at that exact moment "bull shit...I have every intention of living long enough to have have married kids and grand kids and see my all kids through school".

And I did.
So each birthday I would like to say to that guy...Thank-you...because I never...not ever... like to be told what I cannot do.

I am amazingly healthy all things considered. My heart at one point was so weak that it was an effort to breathe or eat or do anything much but sleep. It was a weird thing that took me in a minute from being really quite healthy to an invalid.

The reason never really discovered. Some theories..most actually... say it was the infection in my tooth that went straight to my heart despite the fact that I received dental care and took antibiotics. If so, imagine what would have happened without me doing that.
Others have said that during those years many people were infected with some sort of virus that attacked muscles, in particular heart muscles.
Well maybe... but I am not even sure it actually matters.

What matters is that I got better and I have already lived several years more than was expected.

I have lived long enough to see all my children except one get married and three of them have children and another one soon to have one.

I have lived long enough to walk away and walk back to the man who is one of the most difficult, but most worthwhile humans that I know. The walk away was imperative for both of us... the walk back was equally so.

I have lived long enough to discover a faith in God that has astounded this former atheist. Not just discovered and rejoiced, but discovered and felt the need to immerse myself in the belief and tell the story to anyone who cares to listen and most likely to some who don't.

I have lived long enough to have a job that is not a job so much as it is a calling. I have worked and worked hard for the last 4 years at The House of Concern and I cannot imagine doing anything else... At least not this second.

I have packed a whole lot into the last few years. A whole lot...and I have every intention in packing each subsequent year every bit as full.
I have plans that stretch right straight into my 90's.
Really.
I have plans to do the following..run a race..consider being ordained again...write a book...join the Peace Corps...be grandmother to many...and to enjoy each and every year of my life.
How freaking great is that!

So, the fact that I get senior discount sometimes when that young blond twit is at Dunkin Donuts and I really should not yet..that only bothers me for a minute..okay maybe two...and then I think.."sweet 10% discount".

The fact that I just realized that I could move into senior housing does not bother me...much.

The fact that I just realized today that I am a mere 4 years away from free admittance to the State fair will not bother me...this year.

I have a hard time reconciling myself to the fact that I am not young anymore. I still feel young. Well most days...recently...after I started trying to run...I thought perhaps I was actually 100.

However, since I have never ever run in my life..I think that is to be expected.
Not even as a kid did I run. My mother would say "run outside and play" and I would shoot her a disdainful look and grab my book and drag myself out into the yard and plunk myself down in the lawn chair under the tree. That was my extent of "running".

I am not athletic. Yet I really want to see if I can mange to run a 5k. I will start with a 3k and they call that a"fun run"...not sure who is having fun..so far not me...but I am committed to at least trying.
I might be last but since I am not even supposed to be alive well that's still something..right??

So, well I've forgotten most of why I was in a bad mood...I think it had something to do with a disagreement with one of my kids but this has made me remember that this too shall pass and as the husband always says to me...
"it will all work out in boom land baby"
and so it will.

happy almost birthday to me!!

"Its bitter bad..heartsick sad.."

"If you do me wrong I'll put your first and last name in my rock and roll song"...
Ah,Melanie.I loved that song.

Now... If she was like the woman I just read about..and I am sure you MUST have heard about it...then putting the guys name in her Rock n Roll song was seriously tame stuff.

This woman was really really pissed off...she took her husband...drugged him..cut off his penis and then... she threw it in the garbage disposal...and turned it on.
SHE TURNED IT ON!!
THAT'S PISSED OFF.
Also... kinda crazy.

As mad as I have been at certain men in my life ( and I have been seriously pissed) I cannot imagine being anywhere CLOSE to that angry.
I mean that's even beyond the Lorianna Bobbette mad.

You remember Lorianna right? She cut her guys junk off and then threw it in a field. There was however a chance of recovery with that act and indeed there was a recovery and surgery.

Not an option for this other guy.
YIKES.
Yeah... he should have been so lucky to have been married to a Melanie type...or even a blogger.
People who write are able to purge themselves of an awful lot of anger.
Thanks Be!
I have written so much that no eyes except mine will see but that is part of the process for me.
Who knows how seriously crazy I would be without it. Still...I must say not even in my writings at my very very worst moments did I ever think up what this woman actually did.
Okay... maybe part of it... but the garbage disposal!!??!! Nope.
That's kind of the point of no return.

I like writing because I can edit.
I can censor myself.
I can revisit.

That woman should have had a hobby..writing..acting...running...anything...
Being married is tough but seriously, if you find yourself looking at your husband...thinking about him and the garbage disposal and its not in conjunction with him fixing it...get help quick!

There is no do-over when you grind up his do-diddly do.
Not for you and definitely not for him.

Writing has kept me sane for years. Okay...Okay...saner.
I have had moments that I could have done something really crazy and then I wrote about it and thought about it and wrote about it some more and then I didn't do it.
Usually.

Writers... are often thought to be a little eccentric but I always figure that is actually a case of "just think what they would be like if they didn't write?"

Life, Love, hard hard hard.
We all need something to take the edge off of life. God...Family ...friends..all good...crucial even...
But sometimes when life gets truly difficult we need to tap into something that takes us from what is our driving crazy of the moment.
Writing does it for me. Its different for everyone.

So men, if you make your woman mad..really really mad and she has no outlet...you might just want to try to make nice very quickly...or sign her up for a writing class..or at the very least... dismantle the garbage disposal.

MHS...its a national epidemic!!

This my friends is a very important PSA.

MHS... Mistaken Hotness Syndrome.
Formerly affecting primarily men and women over fifty...it is spreading wildly and uncontrollably and someone you love MAY be Next!!

Symptoms include but are not limited to...wearing age inappropriate clothing. This can range from wearing clothing that is meant for teens or wearing clothes that you wore when you actually were a teen..
Piercings on anything other than ears on anyone over 50. Buying Cars that are neither comfortable or practical especially if you are a grandparent.
Sudden purchases of any of the following: a motorcycle... a boat... an electric guitar( that they do not know how to play)...or anything that smacks of former glory days.


MHS used to be fairly easy to identify..Former Cheerleaders, football players and men over 50 who play rock and roll ( and the women who love them) these were the primary victims.

But...it has spread and the newest victims are younger and falling hard. This newest strain has relationship and career ending potential. Once merely a disease that caused embarrassment to the children of the victims...now it wreaks havoc on the victims, their families, and over worked paparazzi.

Consider two of the more famous recent casualties: Tiger Woods and Anthony Weiner. Both men who without Golf and political career respectively would not have been given the time of day by most women. Certainly, never ever by all the women that ultimately did give them the time of day( or night) or tweet.

But give them a bit of fame..a bit of power..and MHS grabbed them by the----- and did not let go until they cried SEX ADDICTION.

Now in my humble opinion that is a misdiagnosis.
Actually what I generally say when I hear that is the reason for a fall from grace is "sex addicts my ass" but be that as it may.

I will be kind and I will go with the fact that maybe, just maybe, they have been mistakenly diagnosed.
Dr. Diane says they actually have Mistaken Hotness Syndrome.

Women paid attention to these men and they started to believe that they were actually HOT. They believed it forgetting that they already had landed truly good looking, intelligent wives and they were willing to look like total jackasses and risk it all.

MHS truly makes you stupid.
It does NOT make you a sex addict.

So friends heed the warning and be watchful..the signs are there. Please watch carefully, watch your friends, watch your parents, watch your next door neighbor and your priest.
Intervene while there is still time...because there is no known cure.

This has been a Public Service Announcement brought to you by The National MHS Coalition.

My name is Diane...

My name is Diane and I am a email..texting..Face Book...twitter...addict.

I know that might sound silly and relatively impossible considering I am 55 years old and a few short years ago I could barely turn on a computer and had a cell phone that was only for emergencies.
But it is the way of the world now for many it has become an integral part of life and for some it has become a problem.

Now in these 12 step groups they always want to know when your rock bottom moment came. Mine was the night I heard my fancy phone ( its an Android but I just call it fancy) ding and I checked the email and it was a work related email and I proceeded to answer it...which would have been OK if it had not been 3:00 AM...
3:00 AM!!!!

Okay, unless you are the President of the United States you probably do Not have a job that is SOOOO important that you MUST attend to a situation that very minute.
Trust me..they do not pay me anywhere near enough to be on 24 hr 7 day a week call.

Frankly I am just NOT that important.

Delusions of grandeur.. I think Face Book and Twitter and the ability for everyone to know where you are and what you are doing every single moment of the day and night gives us all delusions of grandeur.

Most of us really aren't that interesting. Does anyone really care how I spend my day? Perhaps the husband has to feign a bit of interest in my day but the rest of you don't.

I have seen couples who do a majority of their communicating on face Book..they make plans on Face Book..they keep track of each other on Face book and they even fight on face Book and THAT is truly dangerous. Once you do that you invite unwanted advice and you run the risk of putting things out there that should be private.

Private..you remember private right?
It is getting harder and harder to be private.
The thing is even if you are trying hard to keep off the radar there is always someone who is watching and most likely reporting and recording it all.

Big Brother is watching and he is all of us.

We are all so very interested in the latest gadgets and devices and we think we want them all... no we actually think we NEED them all and I have come to start wondering WHY?
Why do I need my Email and my facebook to come to my phone? Why do I need to never ever be off.
Because that is what it is... you are never ever off.

This is a real real danger for folks like me who are Human Service professionals and frequently have a bit of the "I must save the world" thing going on.
The stress that I was feeling was over the top many days and I think it is not that anything is THAT much harder or stressful...I think its because I had forgotten how to turn it all off.

If you feel anxiety when you have not checked your email/twitter/facebook account within the hour you too have forgotten how to turn it off.
If you have convinced yourself that people really give a shit that you just went into Wegmans..you have forgotten how to turn it off and...you are wrong..they don't.

We are losing the art of human contact and communication. It is as Orwell predicted.
The part that amazes me is that we have all so willingly stepped into it.

Now does that mean I am going to stop using all these various forms of communication? No. Just this morning I went to a great workshop about Social Media and Communication. It can be a most effective tool for people in Human Services who are frequently doing more with less and less staff. It works.

But it is again like anything else..
I love a good ( big)glass of wine in the evening... However, If I start having a good ( big) Bottle of wine in the evening that might just indicate a problem.
Moderation is always key...

So here is my personal plan for recovery..first, I no longer take my phone to bed. Period.
Nor do I have my computer in my room,or an Ipod or a radio or a Television or even a clock. I have a bed and books. If it starts to get light out and I hear the birds I figure it is getting time to get up..if my stomach growls I get up.
That did make me wake up at 4:45 the other morning but so be it.

I sleep longer I sleep better and I have started to dream again.
I have always been a woman who pays close attention to her dream life. You can't pay attention to what you aren't remembering and that is Much harder if you have nothing but broken sleep.

I start my day quietly and I end my day quietly.

Will I backslide? Probably. Do I still need to make adjustments? Yes.
But they say acknowledging that you have a problem is the first step...
So, I did.

The First Mothers Day...

There are good firsts and bad firsts. Today is both. Today is the first Mothers Day that my daughter is a mom and it is the first Mothers Day that my mom is gone. Both firsts have made a huge impact on me.

My daughter becoming a mom has been a joy to me. To watch her and all she has gone through in the first 9 months of my granddaughters life has been exciting, funny, memorable, and poignant on many occasions.

She, who has asked for virtually no advice from me since she was about 3, suddenly... sometimes ...does. Which is nice...different..but nice.

Now don't get me wrong this is by and large her show all the way and my advice is not likely to mean squat a good deal of the time ...okay especially the advice that I may offer unbidden..but those moments that I see her actually heeding it..those are great!

Moms like to help.

We like to help when asked.

We like to help when not asked.

Actually, we especially like to help when not asked because that's when we see you are heading down the wrong way and truth to be told it is usually a path we mistakenly went down ourselves so we are just trying to save you the trip.

That's what moms do...try to save you from any unnecessary wrong trips.

FYI... We do that our whole lives not just when you are young and in our care.

Being a mom is tough work and It never ever ends. Never. Ever Ever....Ever.

You might think that it will get easier and yes in many ways it does get easier...and in many it gets harder...especially when you start having kids of your own because then WE start having grandkids and that just starts it all over for us.

I made my mom a grandma at a rather young age. She was in her early 40's.

It was not, for one moment what she expected from me or probably wanted for me and she knew how very unprepared I was for the job. She never let on that she was worried about it. She just jumped in and helped me.

She had a wonderful knack of helping me figure things out and then letting me think I figured it on my own. Considering how little I actually knew she probably had to spend many a sleepless night trying to figure out the easiest way to get me to know what I needed to know.

I didn't know much about kids because I was not one of those girls that did a lot of babysitting, I had a younger sister who I tried really hard to ignore, and I had declared at the age of about 7 that I was never going to have kids. Never. Ever Ever...Ever.

I was going to be a reporter and I was heading out in the world. No kid to tie me down.

So the mechanics of babies and kids I had ignored.

Diapers were cloth and involved pins and rubber pants and washing machines.

Bottles involved lots of measuring and boiling.

The little walkers that they sat in were death traps and my poor Stacey probably started walking at 9 months for fear of getting stuck permanently in her little yellow walker.

Motherhood in the 70's was not easy.

Probably less easy in the 50's.

So my mom helped me with all the basics.

A left handed diapering wizard, she taught me how to hold down a squirming baby with one hand and diaper..with pins no less... with the other and all the various songs and distractions that went with accompanied that.

She helped directly and indirectly. She jumped in feet first and she rocked my babies and read to my babies and took pictures of my babies and of course she loved my babies.

She adored each and everyone of her grandchildren with every bit of her being.

An incredibly easy going person, I remember her getting as angry as I ever saw her with one of the teachers at Herman Ave school because she felt that one of them had said a disparaging remark about her grandchild. That was it for that teacher. She was livid.

It was shortly after that she decided she should not be the librarian where her grandchildren were attending school if possible.

Probably a good idea.

My mom and I became friends by the time I was about 25. She called me one morning and she asked me to go to lunch and hear a speaker with her.

There was a slight pause and she said " they said I could bring a friend and right away I wrote your name down on the sheet...I hadn't realized that I thought of you that way until I did that"

I spoke to or saw my mom probably a minimum of 4 or 5 days out of every week...more often that not it was every single day..for over 55 years. Even when she no longer had a clue who I was and thought I was "selling something" we talked.

The last few months have been tough.

I sleepwalked through the first Thanksgiving and Christmas without her. It had been a matter of weeks since she died at that point.

Easter was a little tougher but mostly Easter was tough because May was fast approaching.

May is the month that I always considered my Moms own personal month.

May holds not only Mothers day but also her anniversary and her Birthday. It was her favorite month. She loved the green of springtime, planting of her flowers, opening up her windows and getting some"nice fresh air".

She would love today.

The sun is shining. the birds are chirping happily, the grass is a brilliant green, flowers are blooming and its Mothers Day.

She loved beautiful cards and good chocolate. She was most easy to please on Mothers day.

She was most easy to please every day.

My mom taught me many things in life...cooking? check! Sewing...not a chance...housekeeping...she tried.

The important stuff, of course, is none of that.

She taught me about unconditional love.

She taught me that loving and caring for a child is a full time, whole life experience. It does not end at 18 or 21 or when they get married or even when they have kids of their own. It doesn't end if they do things you don't like or don't agree with. It doesn't end if they make bad choices. It doesn't end if they move away.

It doesn't end...period.

My mom is gone and I talk to her everyday. I wonder what she would do in any given situation. When I recently made a fairly bad decision based on anger and fatigue, my first thought was how great it would be to call her and tell her what I did.

I knew she would have laughed( it was funny...awful...but funny non the less) and then she would have told me to own up to what I did and try to make it right.

Which I did.

Right now i know she would tell me get off that computer and "get outdoors Diane, It is a beautiful day!" She would then break into a chorus of "Oh what a beautiful Morning".

So..

"Oh what a beautiful morning. Oh what a beautiful day. I've got a beautiful feeling every things going my way!"

Happy 1st Mothers day to my Amanda.

Happy Mothers Day to Sheena and Laura.

Happy Mothers Day to my mother-in-law Ruth

Happy Mothers Day to all my friends...

But most of all...

Happy Mothers Day to my mom.. I miss you.. love you...and I am going outside now.

Marriage should be illegal...

"Marriage should be illegal" those words were said to me recently by one of my newly wedded children.

Then my dear one said " I have never wanted to choke someone til their eyeballs popped out of their head up so much in my whole life."

Yep..that's married life.

Those first couple years when you are with someone are filled with passion..and passion takes lots of forms... for example... wanting to choke someone til their eyeballs pop out is one form.

Not that I would not know anything about that sort of thing...Kim and I have always been level headed and rational.

Which is why the kids and their friends used to rate our fights in terms of most interesting..most exciting..most entertaining.

The one that comes up most often is the one where I was so angry that I picked up my daughters Big Wheel ,threw it and hit the hood of his van as he drove off. Which is made all the more impressive by the fact that I was a pretty good distance from the vehicle.

I also tried to run him over with my car.

He threw a cup so hard against the kitchen wall it left a hole...

Passion.

Eventually though you get to the point where you start to understand your partner..the things they will say..their reactions to life events..what torks the heck out of them.

Now most of the time those are the lessons that we can use to make life calmer, easier and productive...

Except for when we don't.

Except for those days when we just really want to make a point.

In the "old days" I would decide to make my always salient point by getting up earlier than the husband and playing music that he hated ...loudly.

The Indigo girls and Melissa Ethridge being the two best battle cries I could mount.

It was the equivalent of poking a hornets nest...or waving a red flag at a bull...or bombing a neighboring country.

It got things going.

Which we need to do sometimes in a marriage.

However, I have found these past many months that living apart from your love has its advantages when you are so sick of that person that you stare at them wondering" WTF was I thinking when I married you?? Why did I even date you?? For the love of God why did I date you a second time?"

Yes, If you want to have a "time out" two houses can be advantageous.

Most of us can't afford that...trust me it is not an economically good option.

Its a good option if one of you is a hobo...no offense to the Hobos of the world.

I can make my case about my husbands"hobo" ways with this story.

I have been doing lots and I mean lots of cleaning to make the move back into the house.

Last Saturday i decide I am going to clean the kitchen sink. I scrub and scrub for about 45 minutes(really) and finally decide enough for now..it is pretty good.

The husband comes home awhile later and he walks in the kitchen..looks at the sink..turns away..does a couple things comes back to the kitchen looks at the sink again and says nothing..third time he is back again this time he peers into the sink and has this funny look on his face..he turns and looks at me and says" Di, did you paint the sink white?"

'I just sigh and shake my head and say " no Kim..that's what it is supposed to look like."

I rest my case.

I married one of the few men in the world who could make me appear neat.

See kids ...marriage is like that.

It changes you. You both grow..learn give and take..embrace new facets of your personality.

So what to do...if you are going to make it as a couple.., and you can't afford separate homes?

I would suggest the following...First, have a strong throwing arm... Second,figure out what really makes them mad and use that information wisely...And third, but most importantly,develop a killer sense of humor so you can tell the story without actually choking their eyeballs out of their head...

and of course it is all about the story.

The road from the heart to the head...

"Its a long and lonely highway from the heart to the head." That is a line from one of Kims' new songs. I find it very moving and very accurate.

When we fall in love our brain isn't really involved.

Well, think about it... we "FALL" in love. We do not step gingerly..we do not walk....we do not even run..its a freaking FALL.

If, by some chance our brain is involved at all then chances are it is not that gut twisting, moon eyed, can't get enough of you, kind of feeling.

Falling in Love is rarely rational.

People do some seriously crazy stuff for love.

Seriously. Think Romeo and Juliet...Maria and Tony( okay I know that's the same)...Elizabeth Taylor and Richard Burton...twice...

See its not always easy to maintain that level of crazy.

It often ends badly.

It often...well... ends.

The trick is maintaining it.

Which judging by the 51% divorce rate is not easy.

Yet, some people do just that.

I am sure you know some couple that have been together for 50+ years and still do lovey things..still look happy and goofy when they catch sight of their love.

They make it look easy.

There was a couple at church that were together for over 50 years. He was 3 years younger than her and he told me that the first time he saw her he was 14, they were at a church dance and he fell in love instantly. She said she saw him and thought well now I have to wait for that boy to grow up a little.

Bruce and Mary.

Mary also told me that in all their years together they had never had a fight, not one. Ever.

Which seems really hard to believe. Over 50 years with the same person and no fighting?

I asked Bruce how that could be and he said" well she rarely does anything I don't agree with."

So I asked and if she does?

He said..."I take a walk. I take a walk until I am no longer mad...sometimes its a long walk."

That's what all marriages need at times... a long walk.

I just got back from my walk. It was 17 months long.

So what did I learn during my walk?...I learned several things...I am pretty good with being on my own...the husband is not.

He did unspeakable things to the house in a relatively short period of time. Who doesn't know about dusting?? Or that you really need to clean the top of the stove once in awhile...or at least once.

Actually, I learned more important things than the fact that the man is kind of a Hobo...I already knew that.

I learned I can hold a grudge...a long long time.

I learned that forgiveness is a whole lot easier to preach about than to actually practice.

I used to preach really well about forgiveness and redemption...but as my friend Lynn's grandma used to say" its easy to be an angel when nobody ruffles your feathers."

My feathers were seriously ruffled and I wanted to make sure that NOBODY forgot it...evidently most of all me.

So, I replayed all that went wrong and did some wallowing and fretting and I decided how it should have gone down and I absolved myself from any wrong doing.

I became the innocent victim in my very own tale of woe.

So what did that accomplish? Well, it made me very self righteous. Yes indeed, righteous indignation that's a good substitute for love.

It also solves virtually nothing.

I learned that having an angry and a vindictive spirit is like being mired in the mud. The longer you are in it the harder it is to get out.

I learned...being "right" isn't actually as important as being happy.

My therapist told me that a very long time ago...like the first time I saw her...but some things can't be heard... they need to be felt.

I learned that connecting...really connecting on all levels with someone...is something that few people are lucky enough to have.

It is rare and it should be held in high regard.

I learned that we all have our own unique dysfunctions that we bring to a relationship. It is both the challenge and the interest in a good relationship.

As the song goes " there is a secret passage and a toll that is due...there are parts of me that are missing and parts of you."

But the most important thing that I learned was that I love my husband enough to put up with

( as my mother-in-law would so delicately put it) "the shit and the string beans" and that makes my very long walk worth every step.

I