Today was The Seneca Meadows Second Annual 5k "Run for Hunger". It is a fundraiser for House of Concern. The entry fees are a contribution to our food pantry and people were asked to bring canned goods also.It was a huge success!

It was a beautiful morning and while hot now, it was comfortable then. Okay, admittedly it was probably a bit easier for me to feel comfortable as I was sitting under a tent with a stop watch at mile 2 . I have to  say that all the runners looked hot.

So my job was to yell out their time for the racers as they flew by me. The first guy was by in 11 minutes. Two miles in 11 minutes! I was impressed. He did end up winning the race which did not surprise me as by that point he already had quite a lead.

Anyway,all and all it took about 34 minutes for everyone to go by me. That was amazing to me. In 34 minutes in that heat I wouldn't have been much past the 1 mile mark.Actually pretty sure I would have been laying on the trail in a big heap. Heart patients don't love the heat.

So I waited for the jeep to come and retrieve me because I was not walking back. I mean since they were giving money to House of Concern  they most likely did not want to kill the Executive Director so I figured they would be along. 
 After awhile I hear on my little radio that everyone is in and the guys would be around to clean up. So now I am wondering if I should remind them to get me as I did see the people from the water station near me walking back but I am not pushy and  very patient and I figure that they will remember  me eventually.
Then I hear "Okay I think we have everyone"...So then i speak up and of course they came right out and all was well.

BUT, it occurred to me as I was sitting there waiting for them that this is part of the problem for food pantries in the summer. 
Everyone gets busy.
There is always so much to do at all times for most people. So things get forgotten. Like food pantries. Its way easier to think about them at Christmas or Thanksgiving.
I reminded myself that sometimes you need to announce yourself.

Occasionally you need to remember to shout out  "Wait...don't forget me...I am here!"

So this is  my shout out to all of you no matter where you live.

The pantries need you more than ever now. School is out and so more families are coming in for services.
Think about it... If you are used to your children getting breakfast and lunch at school and now you have to provide that all week it means your grocery bills are going to shoot way up. Unfortunately your income does not.

I was speaking with a  woman  on Friday that is  now providing care for her granddaughter and she said " I work 40 hours a week and I have never had to ask anyone for help but I lost two weeks of work settling my granddaughter in and I don't get paid when I don't work and Wow,forgot how much that 12 year old girls eat!"
I hear many many stories like that.
At the House of Concern on Friday we had 5 new families and most said the same thing...kids are home and the paycheck just doesn't go far enough.
Here are a few facts for you...
In July we had 340 families in for food.
That broke down to 945 people that we try to help feed for a 5 day period.

We receive Foodlink but we had still needed many many trips to the grocery store and we spent.. just in the month of July...$3,800.99 on food.
August 1st we already spent $869...so we are off to another expensive month.
As I told one of the board members..its gonna be a very long summer.

So my thanks to Seneca Meadows for a wonderfully timed fundraiser and also The Cayuga Nation for the Mini Golf tournament they held two weeks ago.Great job and I am sure a huge amount of work. You have no idea how much it helps.

My thanks to all the runners... as you all ran by my thought  was thanks be for helping stock our pantry shelves. I truly said a little prayer for every one of you.

Thanks to all of you who always remember your local pantry.
We need you... we count on you...we would not be able to continue without you.
It is always a community effort.

"There ain't no good guys, there ain't no bad guys...

There's only you and me and we just disagree".
Ah..would that it were actually all that simple.

My sister and I are in a disagreement. Now I write this knowing that she will probably not read this and most likely nobody will tell her to read it. Not that I would say anything any different if I knew she would read it.
This is not a piece where I try to tell you that I am right and she is wrong.
I will tell you we disagree but I will also tell you that there is no good/right answer.
We have spent the last 7 years of our lives dealing with parents with Alzheimer's/ Dementia.
Parents...plural...the freaking jackpot..BOTH of them.

I am the one who has lived close to them, I am the eldest and I am the one who has had the most hands on work to do. That does not for a second mean that I think my sister has not suffered every bit as much as I have. She is still their child.
Anyone who has had this experience of watching a parent lose all sense of who you are, who they are, what anything is, knows that it is a really horrific experience. I have likened it to Night of the Living Dead.
That has never been anything my sister wanted to hear and the fact is that she has always tried to will them into knowing "stuff". Maybe its because she was not around like I was.  But really I tend to think it is more her personality. I am probably more of a realist. She has always been the one who figured if you think hard enough about what you want then it will happen.
I might think that is true to a point but not with Alzheimer's or any sort of Dementia.
NOBODY gets what they want.
All the positive thinking in the world does not change the reality.
The reality is that the whole thing SUCKS.

So once again I have had to put a parent in a nursing home.
Not just a nursing home but a lock down facility. You know, like prison.
 You need a code to get in and out. They put a tracking device on them.
Probably not what they call it but  call it what you will, indeed that is what it is. And they aren't getting out. Its a life sentence.
Now as hard as it was with my mom, not nearly as tough as with my dad. She was very agreeable and frankly way to far gone to know where she was or to care.
My dad that is a whole other story.
He knows he is not home. He knows that there are people in the home that are... in his words," in bad shape" He asks me to " get him out of there."
But, he is not safe alone and he needs 24/7 care and...there is no money.

Money is a big huge factor with elder care.
Basically this is what you do...  go through every single cent that a person ever made in their whole life and then sometimes do a reverse mortgage and when it is all gone you put them in a nursing home and sell their home and the bank takes their cut and the nursing home gets the rest and then..well then its time for Medicaid.
It is outrageously expensive  to have any kind of elder care. Home care  or placement..the money flies out the door. I have known people who I am sure thought they were set for anything that happened, my parents, my aunts being a couple that come to mind but that just wasn't so.
They didn't know. I do not blame them. Used to be people just didn't generally live long enough for all of this to be an issue.
But now it is. Modern medicine keeps us going and going...but at what cost?
I mean really,what is the point of living into your 80's or 90's and not having a damn clue about anything that is going on? If you cannot tend to your own basic needs?
Walking Zombies.
So my mom is gone and had no idea who i was...thought I was the Avon lady for the last few years of her life...my dad is in a nursing home and knows he knows me but does not know why, often thinks I am his sister and soon very soon will probably not even know that much and my sister isn't  speaking to me.

Did I mention that sometimes life blows?
 Sometimes there are no good answers.
There is only what is the best  choice of a bad situation.
Thats what Alzheimers is, a series of constant  decisions between what is bad and what is worse. Sometimes, often,  the choices seem  pretty much identical.

I guess the good news is that I got my dad in where I wanted him to be. It is close to me. I can run in several times a day. It is the best choice of this particular difficult decision.
My sister will either stop being mad at me or she won't. I think at this point its way easier to be mad at me then to be mad at the fact that parent number 2 has Alzheimers.
I am to tired to be mad at anyone for more than a few minutes.
So thats the way it is.
No good guys, No bad guys, and nobody gets to be a hero.
It is just the way it is.

Demolition Derby

So tonight, while doing some suppertime bickering, the husband says to me " I often wish you were in better health so I could hit you" and I quickly retorted " I wish I had a gun so I could shoot you."

Love...It is not for sissy's.

The plain and simple fact is that the husband and I have a deeply complicated, frequently dysfunctional,and often hilarious relationship.

For example, the theme song to our relationship...something he wrote ( big surprise) is titled " Demolition Derby".
I truly like the song and the fact of the matter is some of the best stuff he has ever written has come when I left him...each time.

This last recording that was made is almost entirely about the cluster f--k of a couple crazy years we spent together and apart.
For smart people we have made some powerfully stupid decisions.

Our relationship started under a cloud and when you have that kind of beginning Nobody really expects you to last...and if you are being honest with yourself you don't expect it to last.

But its been 23 years now. It was 23 years ago that I met him and from the very very first sighting I was gone..done for..it was all over but the shouting.

I remember my very first Kim Draheim sighting. I walked into class and there he was sitting with his legs stuck out in the isle... wearing a long black leather coat..black beatle boots...sunglasses( in class, in winter!)...long hair.
I took it in and stopped breathing, acted nonchalant as I walked by and told my friend that he was obviously "full of himself" when she asked me if I saw him.

I saw him.
He saw me.

Love at first sight.
All that corny crap that neither one of us believes in.
But it happened. At the wrong time, for no real reason, and despite every single reason that it should not have.
AND..
It keeps happening.
I leave, I come back.
I get angry, he writes a song.
He gets angry, I convince him he is an idiot. ( kidding, sort of)

We are old now. Seriously,I really really never in my wildest dreams figure that this kind of crazy romantic drama would happen at this age.
However, since i was reasonably sure I would be dead by 40 I guess that is no surprise.

But here we are...silly old people acting like we are 20.

It occurred to me tonight as I was trying desperately to explain to him my concerns and he was looking at me like I was from another planet...it occurred to me that we are destined to spend the rest of our life together.

It might not always be pretty but...
where else am I going to find someone with who one minute we will be talking about Bob and Tom, followed by NPR, followed by a fight about cat litter and then a heartfelt
" you should be kissing the ground I walk on" dissertation by me...into "hold the baby' I need to finish my blog...and he does.

Fact...he makes me crazy.
Fact...I make him equally as crazy.

So he vows not to hit..I vownever ever to get a gun and so it goes.

"The taste of blood and the smell of gas its a demolition derby and a love the lasts...forever...forever..."

And the password is...

Does anyone remember the game password? I have vague memories of the game. I know there were teams and a password that that one contestant tried to get their partner to guess on basis of the clues they gave them.

I play password every day. I have been playing for over an hour now. The problem is I have been playing with a bad partner...my computer. Lousy ass clues. My favorite food?? I have no idea what I said my favorite food was back in December of 09. At that point I was kind of down in the dumps so i figure it could have been anything..cake..cookies..wine...cakecookiesandwine...evidently not. None of those.

So in order to write my blog I have to remember my password and I don't. So then i start getting clues...Your favorite food..no...Okay your oldest childhood friend..got that ( yay! Lynn) but NO that is not enough and they still want the freaking food or the last password I signed in with?? Well shit if I knew that I wouldn't be playing password with you guys. DUH.

I hate passwords. Do you know how many stupid passwords I have?? Too many. I have one for AOL and one for GMail and one for my HOC GMail and one for my online banking and one for my work online banking and one for pay pal and eBay and don't forget Amazon and it goes on and on and on and sometimes I got to think really??

Does anyone give a shit what I do?
Do people actually sit around and try to get into my stuff?

I mean I can see the banking thing but what exactly are they gonna do with my blog?

Okay here's the thing, most of you know me and if I suddenly start writing a blog that is supporting Rick Santorum or Newt well you all can be pretty sure its not me OR that I have finally had that long awaited nervous breakdown.

I swear that my computer was getting condescending with me too. Kept saying "You just changed your password 1 hour ago"
Now that sounds a little condescending am I right?
Besides maybe I did but that was only because they made me and then I got busy and well..I forgot. YES IN ONE HOUR!!
Sue me.
Got lots on my mind these days.
2012 has been a little tough.
Now don't get me wrong some really wonderful things have happened..but none of it has come easily.

So, yes I am easily distracted and I have never been a detail gal anyway...so I get locked out of my various accounts pretty much daily.
Some of my well meaning friends and family like to give me tips..things like write the passwords down and put them in a safe place.

Can you guess the pitfalls with that idea?

First, I have to remember to write them down someplace that actually counts..not my calendar at work..with all the other numbers and phrases and pieces of a sentence that I am sure actually meant something to me at some point.

Also, not on any random scrap of paper as it will end up in one of my cavernous purses and be gone until I dump the purse and find like 20 different scraps of paper and stare at them trying to decide what they might have meant at some point.

Once I got a little notebook and diligently wrote all my passwords down and that was great...until I lost the book...which happened in less than 24 hours.

A few things have become glaringly obvious to me this year.

First, the brain can only hold just so much before stuff leaks out and stress aggravates that condition.
I admit I am leaking.

So for all of you whose birthday I may have forgotten or who I forgot to check on after your surgery or who had a special event I forgot...I am sorry.
You are not unloved you merely leaked out and chances are good I even thought about it in the middle of the night but then it slipped away by morning.

Second, the more kids you have and the older they get and the more their family grows the more there is to worry about..to remember and to worry about forgetting!

Third...Once your baby has a baby, you are old. Yes that,coupled with the fact that the more times than I care to say lately I have had people refer to me as
"adorable", that spells OLD.

You get to be adorable when you are a child or a quirky old lady.

Ah well could be worse.

It all could be worse...having too many people who you love...so many that you start to forget some of their events..that's not a terrible problem.

The password problem well I could just make them all the same thing...except for the ones that make me change every 90 days...ugh...

Perhaps the answer is tattoos.. all the important dates and passwords...all over my body.

It will be adorable.

Oh and by the way..I have absolutely NO Idea what the password was that I finally managed to sign in to this blog with...so might be awhile before I write again~