26 and counting...

It has been a rough couple of days. Work is busy.
Wait...Make that... WORK IS BUSY!!!

There were 26 families in for food today...today between 9:30 and 3:00...26 of them.
Oh and then there were the 5 others in for other things..gas money, (no I am not supposed to do that anymore and I did), the woman who needs beds for her kids...the woman who needs a bed for her bad back...the woman who needs help with her rent as she is almost two months behind and the woman who just...as she said...needed to hear someone nice and get a hug.

I could say i don't get paid enough but the truth is I often am fairly sure that I get paid too much.

I get paid for being kind and listening and giving food.

The giving food part is actually often the least of what we do.
Its the part I can track..I can tell you how many came in for food in August( 306 families) and by the way today one of the largest single days ever...I can tell you how many were families and how many were single and how many were what age.

However,I don't actually keep track of how many pep talks we give, how many tissues we hand out, how many people invite us into their lives, how many hugs we give or are given.
Those are the things that makes this a job worth doing and indeed makes it a job that surpasses all others for me.

I have looked around for other jobs. Jobs that pay more...that have benefits..you know that stuff.
I do not get paid a lot, more than the people who work with me but that's not saying much.

I have worked most of my life in Human Service fields and I am 56 with NO Pension..No retirement...and I would have no health insurance except I am married to a guy who has it.
That isn't great and I know to some that is a definite lack of "success".

People who are called to this sort of work do it despite the lack of money, despite the lack of long term security, despite the endlessness of the job, and despite what is often a lack of respect by those who have "real jobs" that make "real money".

Here's the thing...
We actually work on a hug a meter. You tell me how many CEO's of major companies get hugged during their day? Virtually none I bet.
Too bad so sad...
Would I like to be more financially secure at this point in my life? You bet.
Would I change anything that i have done up until this minute? Not really.
Sure If I could wave a magic wand people, all people, would get paid enough to live and live well.
Not rich necessarily..but well.
You would have money for food, for your home, for your family.
Nobody needs to roll in it. Personal opinion? Many of the problems today are due to unmitigated greed. People hoarding money and stuff. To what end? Who knows?

You really can't take it with you.

I worry often about "the state of the world"...I thinks that means I am getting old.

My dream? To live in a world where resources are shared and people, all people, look out for one another.

We aren't there yet.

Probably not in my lifetime...but who knows?

You see those of us who work in food pantries and the like, we are hopeless optimists. We actually believe that " the sun will come out tomorrow".
Oh,We have our moments where we whine, and falter, and grow weary and then...
then we get our hug a meter filled by someone and off we go again.

Feel free to join us..any food pantry, nursing home, literacy group,lunch program, senior center, boys and girls club, big brothers big sisters, the list is endless.

And indulge me a bit a moment of corniness...I have had a long couple of days...
You won't make money but you will get rich.

All My Children

I watched my first episode of All my Children in January of 1970...I was 14. Tonight, I watched my last episode...I am 56.
Now that my friends is a helluva run.

I cannot think of much else that has been that much of a constant in my life.
My Dad...my friend Lynn and my cousin and friend Amy and my sister Lisa. That's it.

Like I said...It is an impressive run.

I have not always watched every single episode..things like kids and work got in the way..but I kept track and I knew the basics of what was happening.

It was at times my deepest and darkest secret.
I consider myself intelligent and progressive( for lack of a better word) and being a devotee of a Soap Opera did not exactly fit in to either category.

But, while I could not say that "everything I needed to know I learned in All My Children...I will say that there were actually quite a few things.
For example...even beautiful,rich folks, have problems..make mistakes...and are insecure. Money does not buy happiness and family is all important.

It may have left the impression that one could indeed undergo..birth, major surgery and death and still look gorgeous but hey..it is freaking TV!

I have three favorite movies..they are:
1. The Wizard of Oz...2. The Godfather...3. Serial Mom.
So, What do all these movies have in common?
In a word? Family.
The preservation of family against all odds.
If you never watched these films they all had this in common...extreme measures are taken to preserve family.

All My Children was much the same.

Yes, they made bad choices...Erica Kane married 11 times( I think... I might have lost track) but she was a mother who would have died for her girls...end of story.
She did not always "get them" but who the hell actually always "gets" their kids. She did not always agree with their choices but again..who does?
They made bad choices with their partners..she made bad choices with hers but again...who hasn't...who doesn't?

I have decided recently that I am not that crazy with my kids growing up, being married and having their own lives.
Yes, I know the very fact that they have done so means I did my job.
I still don't love it.
That's no disrespect against any of my son/daughter in laws...they are fine..good..maybe even great but...I still don't love it.
I am not great at sharing what I love and I love my kids...no matter what...end of story.

FINE ...they get to grow up and right..I did my job.
But I do not have to love it...all the time.

But, back to All My Children...It had been part of my life for longer than many of my friends, It has been what I watched when I was a teenager...a young mother...a divorcee...a dying heart patient...a grieving daughter...a new grandmother...

This one show has seen me through almost all major phases of my life.

But now we are done...end of an era.

I hear it may end up on the Internet and my first thought was that it is not the same and therefore not worth watching.

However...things change..children grow.. relationships end or evolve or both...parents die...hair goes gray...families broaden..and nothing ever ever stays solid and unchangeable.

So..will I watch the continuing story of the residents of Pine Valley?
Probably I will...Erica and I go way way back and...
I don't ever turn my back on my friends.

What would you do if...

This afternoon I decided to spend some time relaxing after a very long and busy weekend/week/summer. So after church and after painting a whole wall....long wall, I decided we were going to head to the movies. A nice escapist film.
So what better to go to than Rise of Planet of the Apes. All I knew about it was that it was a prequel to Planet of the Apes. So far so good...a big summer movie. Not in the category of Tree of Life but I was not looking for that.

No, I was looking for escapism. Which I am sure, for many people, this movie may have fit the bill. For me...not so much. I spent a huge amount of time sobbing. Now if this was the husband that wouldn't be that surprising as he is a big cryer at movies but me...never.

But, this movie got me on several levels.

First, There is the fact that the Apes seemed so sad and so human and it broke my heart seeing them experimented on. Really makes me crazy to think about animals being used for science. Sad Sad...of course these apes did get their day but I guess you may have figured that...hence the title. But...i wept.

However, what really got me was the reason that the Apes got"smarter" I won't say smart as I firmly believe they are already smart...but that's another theme. No, what got me was that James Franco was doing all of this to find a cure for his Dad who had Alzheimer's.
Sigh~
Seeing his dad try and not be able to remember things and seeing the look that passed over the sons face as he watched was just all too familiar.
So as much as I loved the Apes and value their life, i have to say that I could 100% get how someone could try to make things better...even for a bit when your parent has Alzheimer's.

I am sure that I would do absolutely anything even a risky experiment in order to have kept my mom from what she went through for so many years and to keep my dad from getting any worse.
I would try it all. It is a truly insidious disease. I have often described it as being in a version of Night of the Living Dead.
The Zombies...alive, but nothing inside.

Sound cruel?...perhaps... but try watching someone you love sink to where they are scared all of the time and have no idea who you...their child... is.
It is a bad dream that does not end until your parent dies.
How fucked is that?

My mom suffered with dementia for years. The first time I noticed that something was wrong was on my daughter Stacey's birthday. My mom forgot her cake. My mom queen of all celebrations forgot her first grandchild's birthday cake. I still remember standing in the kitchen and feeling that cold chill of fear and thinking "oh God, something is so very wrong."
Yeah, one of those moments when you feel time stop.Even writing about it I feel my heart pound and I am transported back in time.

Of course that was just the first of many many chilling moments.
There was the first time i realized she had no idea who I was.
Eventually we got into a routine where I would ring the doorbell or knock and she would answer. I would smile big and she would smile back and say " oh look, its a pretty lady who is selling something...can she come in?" I would say.."yes Ma'am I am selling hugs and kisses, would you like some?" She would clap her hands and say"oh yes, yes indeed."
That went on until she could no longer answer the door.
My mom was a sweet and generous soul every second that she was alive. Polite to a fault.
She was easier than most with this disease. Most are so frightened that they become violent.
That's gonna be my dad. Yes indeed, I couldn't win a lottery but by God I have two parents with this disease. My Dad is actually diagnosed with Alzheimer's. My mom the diagnosis was Dementia. There are some differences but bottom line...they both are killers....a long slow death. Its a death for the whole family...it sucks you in and breaks your heart daily.
Again...no relief till they draw their last breathe. What kind of child wishes for that??
The horrible part is that you do...God help you...you do wish for that. Not just for yourself but for them. Especially for them. Put the people who raised you in diapers and God Help you...you wish for that.

My dad still knows who I am but he gets very confused very easily. Sometimes he gets me confused with his sister.
He obsesses endlessly. About what? Whatever.
Sometimes he is very childlike but often he is just very angry. And why not? Who the hell wouldn't be pissed? He watched his wife of 56 years go away and still live for years... and he knows that the same thing is happening to him, who the hell wouldn't be angry and scared?

Hard for me though as I am the object of much of his anger. I have "taken his money", took his car, took his life away. Fair, no.
True? Well not really but you can see how he would focus on me. I did make it so i am in charge of his money and frankly now..he doesn't have enough to live month to month and so...I do it and its breaking me.
So when he starts yelling( and he does yell) about me taking his money...I am resentful and then I am guilty. There is a whole bunch of guilt that comes with this disease. Guilt for getting impatient, guilt for getting angry, guilt for wishing it would end.
Especially for that.

So back to the movie. It rang just a tad to close to home.
Not an escape film for me, for sure.

My dad is only going to get worse...I have been down this road before and it breaks my heart daily.

But the film also got me to thinking...what would I do if there was a trial med..a chance that I could try something to make my Dad better? What if it was not tested except on animals? Would I chance it?
Oh Hell yes! In a second. In heartbeat.

In the movie the Dad got better for a bit...not for a long time but for awhile.
I would take any any time that I could get. I would give my dad any amount of time that he could get.
A week... a day of being completely cured...I am in.
So stem cell? Bring it on. Don't even talk to me about how it might not be right. Tests on anything...go for it.

My hope is for a cure before I end up with it. I figure that my dance card is pretty much punched.
Selfish...not really. I hope it way more for my kids than for me. My parents illness has aged me in a way that nothing else has. I pray that will never happen to them.

I could pray that my Dad will have a miracle cure but see I know...That is just the summers latest escape film.
But of course as anyone who has had a parent with this disease knows...there is no escape.

There are moments and they will just have to do.

Its all you get...make it work.

let them eat cake....

The other day I went to a meeting of Human Service professionals from several counties. It was a meeting about developing a new program that would provide diapers and pack and plays for families in need. We were to explore if it is needed and if yes...how exactly would that look.
I went figuring that for the most part we were all for the most part on the same wave length.
Surprise!
We were not.
I detected something that I have been suspecting for awhile now. Here's the thing...times are getting tougher and people are getting harsher.
This is what happened:
I had a one on one with a woman...a nurse...that threatened to get downright ugly real quick. I went from 0 to 120 in about 2 seconds and I think...no I am sure... the anger was very evident.

This is what the woman said that torked me so...she said
"I am against just giving "these people" diapers for nothing. I am tired of handing people things without them having to do a thing."

Okay, now them is fighting words for me. First...as soon as you refer to anyone as "those people" you have me on the defensive...and subsequently the attack.
However, I tried to be open and see just exactly what she meant. So I said " oh really, please do be more specific."
So, she looked at me and said " well many of these people
( there is that phrase again)are irresponsible and use their money on things like cigarettes. If they can afford cigarettes and not diapers they should be turned into child protective."

Oh my Oh my...it took every single once of patience that I had in me not to leap across the table and choke her.
But I did not... I figured the board would have to fire me if I did that and I like my job.
I also did not say as I wanted to" you have no freaking clue what you are talking about."
But, i did say.."oh really? Child protective? So, you think when a family comes in and i can smell the cigarette smoke on them and the poop in their kids diapers and I have the diapers I should "teach them a lesson" by refusing them diapers and calling child protective?" She said "well why should we support their bad habits?"
Sigh~
But a fair question. The fact is I have more than once...probably more than once a week said very directly to people that IF they were to stop smoking they would have more money.
I do not condone it. However, I completely understand it.

Now to be fair I also actually understand what the nurse meant...it is hard to understand that someone would not see or worse does see the correlation between the amount of money they spend on cigarettes( or getting their nails done or going to McDonald's)and they still do it.

I think...we have a whole different ball game going on these days.

More and more people are falling through that invisible line that used to be middle class and falling straight...do not pass go... into poverty.

That does two things.
One,it makes it so the people who are now there haven't quite been able to let go of everything that is"a waste of money." Smokers are the most glaring example but there are others.
I figure that it is almost like "waving the white flag" to poverty. We give up...were poor. That's hard to wrap your head around.

The other thing is that the rest of the people who are slipping towards the edge or just sense that ever widening gap..are scared. They want to believe that this is something that most certainly can be avoided its just that people are "doing it wrong".
If that's the case then they won't ever be in that situation.

This month at House of Concern, the food pantry that I have been in charge of for over 4 years now, had 306 families in for food. That number smashes all previous numbers by a tremendous amount. We were barely able to keep the shelves filled. We spent... in 10 days... almost $2,000 on food at Aldis's. That's a lot of food.

306 families, and 30 of them were brand new to food pantries. Most still employed, places like Wal-Mart, the Outlet Mall, area diners, most married families with children.

I believe one of the reasons for the huge number is that Seneca Falls did not have any kind of program for children that provided food in the summer months and that was crippling to the families involved.
My goal is to have something in place next year one way or the other.
I think that will help them and I think it will ease the burden on the pantries.

But mostly, I think we are looking at a shift. The rich are getting richer and the number of poor is increasing.

The middle class is vanishing.

So we all have some choices to make.
Many of us( like myself) need to stop living beyond our means. We need to develop a plan because when you totter along the edge sometimes you fall in.

We also each have to think about what we feel we are called to do.

For myself,as a child of God who is trying to live in to the kingdom, i feel it is my call to help those in need.
Period end of story.
Hopefully, I will help in many cases by making an impact beyond a bag of food, or a couple diapers.
And if that is all it is, well then my prayer is that God will keep me from growing cynical.

Oh and one more thing... if you ever hear me saying anything about "those people" you have my permission to slap me.

I hear its your Birthday...its my birthday too

Ugh~ Okay that is so not the proper response...Yippee!!
But here is the thing..today I feel more ugh than yippee but mostly, most of the time it really is Yippee!!

I mean believe me, I, more than many, get the true value of a birthday.
This is because, when I was about 48 and a very insensitive doctor looked at me as we sat chit chatting about this that and the other thing and he said " well you won't have to worry about turning 50"
It was like a slap in the face and I thought at that exact moment "bull shit...I have every intention of living long enough to have have married kids and grand kids and see my all kids through school".

And I did.
So each birthday I would like to say to that guy...Thank-you...because I never...not ever... like to be told what I cannot do.

I am amazingly healthy all things considered. My heart at one point was so weak that it was an effort to breathe or eat or do anything much but sleep. It was a weird thing that took me in a minute from being really quite healthy to an invalid.

The reason never really discovered. Some theories..most actually... say it was the infection in my tooth that went straight to my heart despite the fact that I received dental care and took antibiotics. If so, imagine what would have happened without me doing that.
Others have said that during those years many people were infected with some sort of virus that attacked muscles, in particular heart muscles.
Well maybe... but I am not even sure it actually matters.

What matters is that I got better and I have already lived several years more than was expected.

I have lived long enough to see all my children except one get married and three of them have children and another one soon to have one.

I have lived long enough to walk away and walk back to the man who is one of the most difficult, but most worthwhile humans that I know. The walk away was imperative for both of us... the walk back was equally so.

I have lived long enough to discover a faith in God that has astounded this former atheist. Not just discovered and rejoiced, but discovered and felt the need to immerse myself in the belief and tell the story to anyone who cares to listen and most likely to some who don't.

I have lived long enough to have a job that is not a job so much as it is a calling. I have worked and worked hard for the last 4 years at The House of Concern and I cannot imagine doing anything else... At least not this second.

I have packed a whole lot into the last few years. A whole lot...and I have every intention in packing each subsequent year every bit as full.
I have plans that stretch right straight into my 90's.
Really.
I have plans to do the following..run a race..consider being ordained again...write a book...join the Peace Corps...be grandmother to many...and to enjoy each and every year of my life.
How freaking great is that!

So, the fact that I get senior discount sometimes when that young blond twit is at Dunkin Donuts and I really should not yet..that only bothers me for a minute..okay maybe two...and then I think.."sweet 10% discount".

The fact that I just realized that I could move into senior housing does not bother me...much.

The fact that I just realized today that I am a mere 4 years away from free admittance to the State fair will not bother me...this year.

I have a hard time reconciling myself to the fact that I am not young anymore. I still feel young. Well most days...recently...after I started trying to run...I thought perhaps I was actually 100.

However, since I have never ever run in my life..I think that is to be expected.
Not even as a kid did I run. My mother would say "run outside and play" and I would shoot her a disdainful look and grab my book and drag myself out into the yard and plunk myself down in the lawn chair under the tree. That was my extent of "running".

I am not athletic. Yet I really want to see if I can mange to run a 5k. I will start with a 3k and they call that a"fun run"...not sure who is having fun..so far not me...but I am committed to at least trying.
I might be last but since I am not even supposed to be alive well that's still something..right??

So, well I've forgotten most of why I was in a bad mood...I think it had something to do with a disagreement with one of my kids but this has made me remember that this too shall pass and as the husband always says to me...
"it will all work out in boom land baby"
and so it will.

happy almost birthday to me!!

"Its bitter bad..heartsick sad.."

"If you do me wrong I'll put your first and last name in my rock and roll song"...
Ah,Melanie.I loved that song.

Now... If she was like the woman I just read about..and I am sure you MUST have heard about it...then putting the guys name in her Rock n Roll song was seriously tame stuff.

This woman was really really pissed off...she took her husband...drugged him..cut off his penis and then... she threw it in the garbage disposal...and turned it on.
SHE TURNED IT ON!!
THAT'S PISSED OFF.
Also... kinda crazy.

As mad as I have been at certain men in my life ( and I have been seriously pissed) I cannot imagine being anywhere CLOSE to that angry.
I mean that's even beyond the Lorianna Bobbette mad.

You remember Lorianna right? She cut her guys junk off and then threw it in a field. There was however a chance of recovery with that act and indeed there was a recovery and surgery.

Not an option for this other guy.
YIKES.
Yeah... he should have been so lucky to have been married to a Melanie type...or even a blogger.
People who write are able to purge themselves of an awful lot of anger.
Thanks Be!
I have written so much that no eyes except mine will see but that is part of the process for me.
Who knows how seriously crazy I would be without it. Still...I must say not even in my writings at my very very worst moments did I ever think up what this woman actually did.
Okay... maybe part of it... but the garbage disposal!!??!! Nope.
That's kind of the point of no return.

I like writing because I can edit.
I can censor myself.
I can revisit.

That woman should have had a hobby..writing..acting...running...anything...
Being married is tough but seriously, if you find yourself looking at your husband...thinking about him and the garbage disposal and its not in conjunction with him fixing it...get help quick!

There is no do-over when you grind up his do-diddly do.
Not for you and definitely not for him.

Writing has kept me sane for years. Okay...Okay...saner.
I have had moments that I could have done something really crazy and then I wrote about it and thought about it and wrote about it some more and then I didn't do it.
Usually.

Writers... are often thought to be a little eccentric but I always figure that is actually a case of "just think what they would be like if they didn't write?"

Life, Love, hard hard hard.
We all need something to take the edge off of life. God...Family ...friends..all good...crucial even...
But sometimes when life gets truly difficult we need to tap into something that takes us from what is our driving crazy of the moment.
Writing does it for me. Its different for everyone.

So men, if you make your woman mad..really really mad and she has no outlet...you might just want to try to make nice very quickly...or sign her up for a writing class..or at the very least... dismantle the garbage disposal.

MHS...its a national epidemic!!

This my friends is a very important PSA.

MHS... Mistaken Hotness Syndrome.
Formerly affecting primarily men and women over fifty...it is spreading wildly and uncontrollably and someone you love MAY be Next!!

Symptoms include but are not limited to...wearing age inappropriate clothing. This can range from wearing clothing that is meant for teens or wearing clothes that you wore when you actually were a teen..
Piercings on anything other than ears on anyone over 50. Buying Cars that are neither comfortable or practical especially if you are a grandparent.
Sudden purchases of any of the following: a motorcycle... a boat... an electric guitar( that they do not know how to play)...or anything that smacks of former glory days.


MHS used to be fairly easy to identify..Former Cheerleaders, football players and men over 50 who play rock and roll ( and the women who love them) these were the primary victims.

But...it has spread and the newest victims are younger and falling hard. This newest strain has relationship and career ending potential. Once merely a disease that caused embarrassment to the children of the victims...now it wreaks havoc on the victims, their families, and over worked paparazzi.

Consider two of the more famous recent casualties: Tiger Woods and Anthony Weiner. Both men who without Golf and political career respectively would not have been given the time of day by most women. Certainly, never ever by all the women that ultimately did give them the time of day( or night) or tweet.

But give them a bit of fame..a bit of power..and MHS grabbed them by the----- and did not let go until they cried SEX ADDICTION.

Now in my humble opinion that is a misdiagnosis.
Actually what I generally say when I hear that is the reason for a fall from grace is "sex addicts my ass" but be that as it may.

I will be kind and I will go with the fact that maybe, just maybe, they have been mistakenly diagnosed.
Dr. Diane says they actually have Mistaken Hotness Syndrome.

Women paid attention to these men and they started to believe that they were actually HOT. They believed it forgetting that they already had landed truly good looking, intelligent wives and they were willing to look like total jackasses and risk it all.

MHS truly makes you stupid.
It does NOT make you a sex addict.

So friends heed the warning and be watchful..the signs are there. Please watch carefully, watch your friends, watch your parents, watch your next door neighbor and your priest.
Intervene while there is still time...because there is no known cure.

This has been a Public Service Announcement brought to you by The National MHS Coalition.