And the circle goes round and round...

My baby just turned 21. A child born several years after her first set of siblings and 7 years behind her closest siblings so not just my baby... their baby too. Baby sister but baby none the less.

Many of their friends had some of their first experiences with babies and toddlers with her. She was carried around a lot. They all liked to hold her.

Her oldest sister hardly put her down her first year. There was no "let her cry it out" in our house.

Her next oldest sister had a fondness for taking her out with the girls once she started to drive. Two or more teenage girls and a 4 year old bombing around town with the radio blaring.

Her brother and his friends liked to torment her a bit... but It was always good natured.

She was taught completely inappropriate songs like "Gin and Juice"..( was that the name?) and " Baby Got Back"..and "Enter Sandman".

She..who spoke little...did learn some serious swear words early on. Evidently, "the sistas" as she called them... thought that was VERY funny. I am reasonably sure one of the sistas..now a grade school teacher..and new mom...might have a different idea about how funny that is now ...but that is how life goes. Things change.

Change.

Lots of that in the last couple of years.

For example..I am now officially the parent of adults. All of them... card carrying adults.

Not sure how the heck that happened.

Nor am I 100% sure where I fit in here.

It is especially difficult with the married ones...feeling your way around that potential land mind is very tricky. Suddenly every motherly instinct regarding advice..or ignoring their wishes because you think ..well they are just kids and what the heck do they know...suddenly that is not Okay!

If they have children of their own that just ups the ante with the precarious position you may find yourself in.

No longer are you in charge.

Even if you think they need help...even if you think they are wrong...it is now their show.

Theirs to decide what is right ..theirs to do as they see fit. Theirs to make their own mistakes.

Difficult place for any mother to find herself in.

Some of us have more trouble than others.

Some moms... and I have seen them... ignore the fact that their kids are adults and they just do what they want! Can you believe it??

Okay, maybe once or twice I might have done it but by and large I have not been the butinsky type of mama.

Which is not at all the same as not wanting to be the butinsky type of mom.

There is no retirement party for moms...because there is not really an actual retirement for most moms.

I think it is kind of like being the former President. You are used to being in charge..used to people wanting and needing your help and advice..and all of a sudden your opinion no longer really matters. You still see the situations and you think "I know how to handle that" and nobody even asks what you think. The very people that you once had to tell why " you may not stick the scissors in the outlet" or why " you cannot wear your boots and bathing suit to preschool"...

these are the folks in charge now!

Once in awhile..when situations are delicate..you MIGHT be asked for your advice...but usually you are just brought out for show...but nobody plays "Hail to The Chief" for moms.

It is a little hard to get used to.

Don't get me wrong...There are several perks..free time...not having to cook..listening to whatever you want on the car radio...laundry once a week.

I also realize it is way better than having children that cannot function as adults. I thank God every day for the fact that my children grew up. No small thing at all.

So my baby is 21..and 28...and 33...and 35. The circle goes round and round...and so much sooner than they can possibly know their babies will be 21 too.

I pray I am here to see it and...

I will even hum Hail To The Chief for them.

The Valentines Trap...or Love Stinks,,,,

Valentines day is a day which is fraught with unmet, unrealistic expectations.

Right from the get go it is a trap designed to make you feel inferior and unloved.

As a child in grade school I would make the valentine "mailboxes" tape them to my desk and worry.

First, I worried because my mailbox was always messy...there were glue spots and nothing ever stayed where it was supposed to stay..the stupid hearts would slide off onto the floor and some kid would step on it and hand it back to me with a foot print on it.

Yes... ever since I was 6... I was sporting footprints on my heart.

Mostly i worried that nobody was going to give me a valentine or that if they did give me one it would obviously be one of the leftovers that their mom made them give out to "be nice".

Even back then kids were told to give one to everyone in the classroom but that didn't always happen.

There were ways around that whole thing and everyone knew it. For example you get one that was meant for a boy and had something like a stupid cowboy on it or an astronaut. If another girl gives you an astronaut you know that means" you are nothing to me and my mom made me give one to everyone." Sigh... I got a lot of cowboys and astronauts.

Which was better than not getting one at all. There was one girl in my class who would always say in her little sing songy voice " oh I ran out of cards and your a V so I didn't have one for you" Liar. I happen to have had the exact same box and I know there was 36 in a box and there are only 30 in our classroom.

However, it wasn't just getting the valentines that was a problem it was the giving of them that was an issue. I would agonize over who got what card. Would they know that the card means I like you but not I LIKE you LIKE you... I was very worried that I would end up with a bunch of boys thinking I LIKED them when indeed I merely tolerated them and I most certainly did not want them thinking I wanted to be their girlfriend. In addition, I also always had one boy that I did actually LIKE LIKE and I wanted him to sort of know but not really know and all of this makes the card selection from a box of 36 cartoon characters a very difficult task.

Can't give out stupid valentines...can't give out babyish valentines...can't give out old lady valentines and you sure as shit better not hand make them! My poor mom suggested we do that one year and I threw a fit to end all fits. It screamed poor kid and besides as previously mentioned I was not exactly "crafty".

I figure that the whole grade school valentine debacle was merely designed to get you in training for the more profound disappointments in the years to come.

It was during my teen year that I really got familiar with the Valentine trap.

It was the 70's... during which I spent much of my time in jeans and talked a lot about what we called back in the day "women's lib".

I was for it and Valentines day was meant to keep women subservient to a man. Giving a woman flowers and a mushy card or a box of candy or the stuffed animal with a big old red heart was a trap..a ploy..a way of clouding our mind and eyes to the realities of inequality.

Oh I really talked the talk.

During that time I had an on and off boyfriend. This guy was not a mushy kind of guy and we talked (well I talked, he listened ) about how it was a plot by ""the establishment to keep women down.

Brother, Talk about screwing yourself!

So while I was in my room writing tortured poetry, plotting government overthrow, and listening to Bob Dylan ,my boyfriend was free to totally ignore the day. He also managed to ignore my Birthday, Christmas and any other event that meant he might have to spend some cash but that's another story.

The year I was 16... he did stick a card in the paper box in front of our house. I found it the next day.It was kind of frozen in the envelope and kind of ripped when I opened it.

It had a cupid on the front of it that and inside it said " valentine..my heart gets jumbly , my words get mumbly..when you are near. "

I was surprised...I was flattered..I was confused...most of all I was...HAPPY!

I did like all this valentine mushy stuff..sound the freakin alarms..I want candy ...I want flowers..heck I will even break out a red dress and shoes...just give me more of THAT.

I still have the card today...39 years later.

You would have thought that I had learned a lesson from this revelation/

Well you would be wrong.

For years and years as soon as all the pink and red candy heart boxes show up in the stores and the advertisements for flowers..jewelry.. and candy engulf us..I would say over and over to husband number 1 +2 how it is a manufactures event. It is designed to make companies rich and that I do not need a holiday for some man to tell me they love me.

Which it is.

Which I don't.

Which is something that many women say once they are settled with a man.

What we don't say is...that knowing all that...WE STILL WANT IT!!

Listen carefully all my new son-in-laws and my son...if you have never paid attention to a single word I have ever said listen...

To all men in general...

It is good advice so you might want to write it down..." if your wife/partner says they do not want anything for Valentines day..that they do not need it...that it is stupid...

DO NOT BELIEVE THEM.

IT IS A LIE.

IT IS A TRAP.

We all want stuff.

We want the flowers at the work...because the office is just another 3rd grade classroom on that day. Whoever has the biggest..best..most stuff on their desk...WINS.

If we are not at work we want them at home.

It means somebody...who is not a thoughtless lug...loves us.

It means their is still a little bit of romance out there.

We want the grand gesture

If you take them to dinner on "the day" its even better. Sure it will be less crowded a day or two before..or a day or two after..and probably cheaper..but it Won't be Valentines Day and by God that is the day we really want to be taken out.

Now if you are a good cook and can make a great romantic ( no kids) dinner that is our favorite

( not yours ) and clean up the mess( very important) and can make the table look pretty

( no paper plates ) then you can also cook for us at home. It is acceptable especially on a work night.

We want romance and we want pampering and ( here is the kicker) those of us who protest the most..want it the most!

Those are the women who sadly expect a man to "just know"

I am here to tell you ladies that is an extremely dangerous and self defeating game..they don't know unless we tell them..and they sure don't know if we tell them its Okay to ignore it...they believe us. Silly Silly men..they believe us.

The advertisements do us all great harm..it is a set up..I was right as a teen..but it is what it is.

Nobody ever said being in Love is easy. It takes work. It takes learning the rules..even the unspoken ones.. Actually, especially the unspoken ones.

Now, my plans for this year is to play " Love Stinks" over and over while eating the box of chocolate I bought myself and drinking my favorite wine. The rest of you get busy. Men there is still time to do it right and women there is still time to make your needs known!

Good Luck and Happy Valentines Day!