Community~

Community. When you hear that word what images come to mind? For me, I tend to think of a group of like minded people. I usually connect that with church. A while back someone pointed out to me that our community really does not have to be in any way church related... that it is a group that you have common interests and goals with.
Perhaps.. Like a book group could be a community or a writers group..they would fall into that definition.

Still...I tend to think it is more than that... which brings me back to church.

I have been involved with a couple church communities and a community of people who were following a call. There were deep and powerful bonds for me with each group.

My formation group was such a community. We were together for about 4 years. We explored our calls together..we learned together.. we worshiped together... we experienced upheaval and loss together as a group... as a community.

We had dissimilar backgrounds but we had a common goal.

My first experience with all of them was one that was memorable for me in so far as I felt so totally out of place and unconnected to the lot of them. Only one did I feel any kind of connection to and I was not sure if it was the fact that she " came to my rescue" or that I admired her no nonsense strength ..and her sense of style..loved that too. No matter, whatever it was a bond was forming and so began my entrance into this community of would be clergy.

It was a most interesting and cherished journey.

While going through that, I also was part of two really lovely church communities.

One was my home parish..Trinity Seneca Falls. They were my first true community. A group of wonderful people who literally nursed me back to health both physical and spiritual. I weighed a whopping 85 lbs when I started going there. I went because i felt called..I went because I figured i was dying and it would be nice to have a place to have a funeral..I went because I thought then and still think now It is one of the most beautiful churches you can see in this part of the world.

I went and they embraced me and they prayed for me and they watched as I got stronger and they supported my growth and they supported my call. They were my sponsoring parish and I was deeply and profoundly sad to leave them as my time came to enter into internships.

But leave them I did, never expecting that I would find another church that I would fit into as well as completely as totally... but I did.

St. Johns Marcellus was my home for a year and a half. It was there I learned that I loved to preach..I learned about all the duties of a Deacon..I learned that being "clergy" requires more than a love and faith in God. They were and are wonderful people with good hearts who despite occasional individual differences..love and work together. I was sincerely heartbroken when it was time for me to leave. To this day I profoundly miss them.

I have defined myself for the last year or better as a Homeless Episcopalian.

I have said that I am Deacon of the Church of Messy Lives. I believe both to be true.

I was not ordained because life got in the way.

It has not for one second quieted the call I hear.

The fact that I have found it impossible to be a part of any church, and especially the Episcopal Church is.. I believe.. something that i am to work through. It has brought me to my knees more times than I care to admit and yet faith and call remain stronger than ever.

I now believe that my call is to the community of Jesus and to the community of those who do not fit the prescribed molds. It is what I do everyday at work and it is my very distinct and personal call.

Eventually I will find a church community again. I have gone a couple times to St. James Skaneteles lately and I find some measure of comfort there but...

In the meantime...I pray...I read.. I write...I make food baskets.. I listen to stories... and I search for where I feel God is calling me.

Today, in the bulletin at St James, there was this quote by Alexander Graham Bell

" When one door closes another one opens; but we often look so long and so regretfully at the closed door we do not see the one that has opened for us."

Message received Lord..message received.

Amen

arggggggh!!!!

Well, 2011 is off to the races and here is the deal...in case you have not realized it there are times in our lives when we get to just sit back and look around and proclaim..life ain't fair.

What you say?? Not fair? No way??

What, pray tell, makes you say that on this lovely winter day?...well here's the thing...

I have Gout.

Okay..now I hear ya.."That's it?"

"Well Diane...That's too bad but ..really so what??"

I have weathered serious heart failure and intestinal problems that removed part of my intestines and Optic neuritis that resulted in some worsening vision and a droopy eye and spinal stenosis and arthritis and food allergies and...

So what??

Well let me tell you what...

Gout is an old persons disease.

Gout is for fat old Kings in England

Gout is for beer drinking young men

Gout is for people who eat lots of bad for you food..beef and pork and fatty stuff and fast foods.

That is not me.

And... Adding insult to injury...

the Doctor called me....a woman of " a certain age"...

and then he said.."elderly"

Are you kidding me??? I mean WTF???

I think I hate him. I might have said that to him.

I am pretty sure I told him to shut the F++k up.

Twice.

I am trying to date. Dating women are not ELDERLY.

Those broads don't date..they sit..they knit..I can't even sew a button...ask my daughter-in-law...Not even a button.

Brother.

I mean how does one present themselves to potential suitors..."Oh I would love to go out with you as long as my gout is not acting up!! "

I would not date me.

I sound OLD.

And I do not wish to date old folks so... pretty sure they do not want to date..me

Wait, lets get back to not fair...

How is it that someone who has had children that tried to smuggle hot dogs in their Jacket out of Wegman's and had children that got sweet cereal only for a special Christmas present..and was a vegetarian for 12 years and still has a really impeccable diet and truly does work out...How the heck does that person get gout??

Cause life ain't fair.

Sometimes, we do everything we are told to do and said thing still does not have the desired result.

For example...Both my parents... avid readers..crossword puzzle devotees ... didn't really drink or smoke,they ate well and got lots of exercise and yet both ended up with dementia.

Not fair.

But...

That is the way it goes...life is funny... life is precious..life is hard..life is too short..too long..life is all that and more but it really...often ...just boils down to that its just the way it is and sometimes...

It just is not fair.

Nor have we been promised fairness.

Certainly not by God..and hopefully not by parents or anyone else in influential in our lives.

We strive to do"the right thing" for the right reasons.

It is not an assurance of desired results.

The only assurance is that you get to look your self in the mirror and say.."I did the best i could"

Which is something anyway.

Right? Right??

And a deep and abiding belief in God does not preclude a feeling of injustice or just flat out crankiness...

He grants us Grace..Forgiveness and hopefully... peace of mind...even when

Marriages fail..Parents die...Bank accounts tank... Call get derailed...and Egos get bruised

But he never says it will be fair.

At least not yet...Justice will reign...but the promise is more universal than individual and that maybe is what is what helps us most...the reminder that it is not about"me"

And I do remind myself of that...

But

just for a few...I allow myself righteous indignation...

and I am pretty sure that is Okay too.