the perfect pie crust~

Making a truly excellent pie crust is an art form. It is not done distractedly or haphazardly or without intent. Good pie crust makers have patience. They have the understanding that even when you do every thing the same way..sometimes it just doesn't work out...and they do not hold that against the process or the pie.

My mother was an excellent pie maker. Although she made them all year round the day before Thanksgiving was her "Superbowl of pie making days" There was always 2 pumpkin. 1 cherry 1 apple, 1 apple crumb ( or crummy apple as she would call it) 1 mince and my favorite...pecan.

I would wake up the day before Thanksgiving and the process would already be underway...unlike when I bake, the kitchen remained amazingly neat considering all that flour that was flying around. Oh sure occasionally you might see a little flour on her apron( she always wore an apron) or perhaps her cheek but by and large it was an orderly endeavor.

I was extremely fortunate to be taught this process. As a very little girl I learned the secrets of good crust making... proper temperature of the water( cold)...How to add the water...

( a slow steady stop and go stream)...the affect of temperature and humidity on a pie crust, and

how to handle the crust..not too much or too little.. and finally proper rolling techniques...flatten with your hand and the quick short rolls in each directions.

Like I said, it is an art form.

Its interesting what the mind holds on to. For the last couple years I have found myself only dealing with what is and not what was. I dealt with all the day to day duties and responsibilities that happen when you have a loved one who has dementia. As sometimes happens In my effort to caretake I had to let go of my mother.

Recently I feared that I had lost all memories of the woman who was my mom. I really thought they were gone.

Two weeks ago I could barely remember that she made pies let alone the exact sequence.

Today ...I can hear her singing as she gathers her ingredients..I see the big yellow mixing bowl..I can feel the heat in the kitchen and I watch as the windows steam up...the wire are sitting on the kitchen table waiting for the pies as they get brought out of the oven...and then there are the pies... the amazing aroma as they cook in the oven and then their golden crusts and lovingly cut out designs or faces on them...

The nice elderly woman with dementia that I have been dealing with for the last several is gone and in her place I have found that my mom is back.

The pie making..piano playing..garden tending..party planning..storytelling...bookworm..lipstick wearing..jewelry loving...card playing...crossword puzzle expert..game show watching...walking partner...avon loving...sister..wife..mother..and grandmother is back.

And I have missed her and will not forget her again.

The Room of the Dead...

We all have one. ..A Room of the Dead that is.

It is a phrase I heard while listening to "The Dangerous Old Woman"Myths and Stories of the wise woman archetype by Clarissa Pinkola Estes, PhD.

I have loved this whole series of stories. Actually more than loved it..found it invaluable. Not a word I throw around too much.

So back to the room of the dead, it is described as the room we all have that is filled with all the things that are not good for us..or that are no longer good for us...perhaps, once upon a time they may have been but now.. they are not.

The room can be filled with people. It can be filled with our own self doubt and denigration.

It can also be filled with concepts that drag us down...things like:

Behave or Be A Good Girl Or Be A Nice Girl.

Now in and of themselves these are not actually bad things but nine times out of ten what they really mean is "Don't be yourself. Don't be full of life...Don't question my authority..Do what I want...Think what I think."

I am 55 years old and this very summer i had a man say to me " Be A Good Girl".

Seriously and at that moment I thought: Thats it , I am freaking done being a good girl.

I no longer feel the need to conform to any ones idea of what being good..or a girl..or a woman..is...ever again.

TA DA!! Wretched situation that gave me a much needed wakeup.

That stuff is all in my room of the dead.

It is pretty packed in there. Which is how it should be at this point in my life. If it were empty it would mean I still do not recognize that which is toxic for me.

People need to know this.

People should be cautious. Not frightened.. cautious.. huge difference.

Fright holds you back but caution keeps you awake.

We all need to stay awake. It is when we get drowsy that we are prone to make all sorts of mistakes..again and again. When we get tired we forget all the reasons something didn't work the first 85 times we did it.

And then, well then, we do it again.

You know all those things we really want but know in our heart of hearts are not going to work for us.. a job.. a relationship... All the things that end up being blood sucking and life draining instead of life giving. Its all there and when we start to get tired we convince ourselves that this time it will work.

Recently, I had a good friend talk to me about an opportunity that she has to do something that she wants to do very very much. Something that should be a wonderful fit for her.. Something she and I know she would be great at.

However, the problem is she was offered this very opportunity a few months prior and she turned it down because she knew it was going to suck the blood right out of her.

Now those are my words but the point is she knew it was not, as presented, going to work. No matter how much she wanted it... as it was... it was not going to work.

So... she turned it down and she was very very sad about it. It was a huge loss.

So here it is held up to her again. Over the last few months she has realised how much she really wanted it.

So the question is has anything changed? Is there any reason to believe it will work now other than the fact that she wants it to?

I think that is one of the hardest things to leave in the Room of the Dead...the things we really really want. The things we believe should work...if..if something...were different.

I have no idea what my friend will do. It is quite possible that she will bring this out of the room. If she does i will pray for her that she stays awake.. and aware and if it doesn't work that she without hesitation shut it right back up her Room of the Dead.

After all the door has handles on both sides for that very reason.

God does not give you more than you can handle...

Sorry to my youngest and very intuitive and introspective child...he actually has nothing to do with the sh@*t that comes our way.

Not my theology anyway.

See a loving.. a just God would not be a testing god.

That to me is more like a a God with a big fu*king mean streak.

An Eddie Haskell type God. You know..all sweet and helpful when people are looking but when somebodies guard is down..bam! the nasty trick hits them.

Yeah... not my kind of guy.

I think when people say this what they actually mean is that by your faith in God you can handle all the crap that comes running though your life.

That I can get my head around.

Today I threatened to have a nervous breakdown. I was not kidding ...I actually meant it for a minute. I actually felt it for more than a minute.

Having parents with dementia can really really make you feel like you too are not in your right mind.

Now my mom, she is just..in a word..."shot..or gone". Take your pick.

Not medical terms..not nice terms..but it completely sums up the reality of the situation. My mother does not exist any longer. Oh there are little tiny glimpses every once in awhile but mostly this is not someone I know and she most certainly does not know me.

That is an Eddie Haskell type of joke..trading in your loved one for someone you can not recognise... even slightly.

Then there is the fact that i have two of them with it.

My dad is to the stage where he obsesses constantly and continually about odd things. So much so that at times it takes every once of strength in me not to scream at him.." SHUT UP" Just please shut up.. So far..I haven't done it. So far I have held out and answered the question..the same question..over and over exactly the same way.

Today's obsession was about a reverse mortgage and if it is the thing for him to do..and where his SU hat was. His orange SU hat.. I did not know. I still do not know but I can pretty much put money on the fact that soon... very soon he will call me and once again he will say to me

"Diane..do you know where my SU hat is..the orange one?.."

Once again I will answer "no..No I do not".

Then he will say" oh I thought maybe you did."

See God would not give me two parents with this just to see how the heck I would do..how long it would take to crack.

Eddie Haskell yes..God No.

So what exactly does God give me? He didn't give me parents with dementia..he didn't give me a broken marriage..he didn't give me financial stress.. he didn't give me my laundry list of health problems..or my grand daughter with hearing problems or my daughter with health problems.

He did not. It was not... it is not a test.

How long before you "cry uncle: is not what the Great Spirit is looking for.

He gives us all something different. He gave me a great sense of humor..most days I can find humor in virtually any situation.

He gave me wonderful children and friends who listen to me when i

say "excuse me...nervous breakdown in the works"

He gave me the knowledge that life is short..love is good..and that it does not stop..even when the person you love does not appear to be the person you have loved for years...or when they are "shot or gone or really gone" life continues..love continues.

He gave me a strong sense of faith. Faith in my ability to withstand what life throws at me because I believe in the redemptive powers of his love.

So yes Emily..just flip it around a bit and you have it...God gives us the ability to handle whatever cruel cosmic joke lands at our feet. By his love we can withstand it all. That is the part to always hold on to.

Oh and he gave me you to remind me of it...

Amen